Alone

This is an old one that I wrote around two and a half years ago, and it's pretty much what got me into writing poetry. _________________________________________________________________________________________

The streaks on my cheeks
No one can see
I wear no mascara
So I cannot bleed
I suffer in silence
And scream in seclusion
Optimism is
Your greatest delusion
You condemn me to limbo
To pain but not death
My body's a shadow
There's ice on my breath
From my misery
You fashion a thorn
Pierce it through my heart
And I'll bleed out your scorn
I'm all alone here
No one hears my scream
No one to take back
All the nothings I've seen

You are fond of writing the dark side of humans are you? I like it. I also like writing dark poetry for it seems so real compared to the usual "my heart's a flutter!" poems.

I really like this line

I'm all alone here
No one hears my scream
No one to take back
All the nothings I've seen

A poem is only as good as the ending. I like this.

Hey Springs! Your poem is alright, but it definitely needs a lot of work. You wrote this two and a half years ago, so I'm not going to be too harsh.

springs616 wrote:The streaks on my cheeks

^
This is a good opening line; you should probably but a semi-colon after 'cheeks' so the transition between this line and the next is a little bit smoother.

No one can see
I wear no mascara

^
This part is confusing, especially because it follows your opening line. How does not wearing mascara relate to the streaks on the narrator's cheeks? In fact, you should probably elaborate on what those streaks are. Are they blood? Bruises? What? If you're more specific, the reader will be more likely to sympathize with your character.

So I cannot bleed
I suffer in silence
^
What, wait? Like the transition from the first line to the second, this transition between the second and third lines is too confusing. It's almost as if the reader is reading a whole bunch of little poems. I'm sure that you found a way that they were related when you were writing this, (I often do when I write things) but it didn't quite rub off that way. What you need is to find a way to make these related.

Let's say that the streaks on the narrators cheeks are blood. She suffers in silence because she gets teased by other other girls for not wearing mascara. The blood on her cheeks is from fights she got into. Of course, you can come up with whatever you want, but just try to make sure it's a little bit clearer to the reader.

And scream in seclusion
^
Should be a period after 'seclusion.'
Optimism is
Your greatest delusion
^
This line is a pure work of art. You really capture how negatively this girl thinks, how there is nothing good left in the world. I do have one question, however. Who is 'you' in this poem? Is 'you' a physiatrist, or a parent? Does it matter?
You condemn me to limbo
To pain but not death
^
Comma after limbo, exclamation mark or period after 'death'. You can chose either, but I think the exclamation makes it a little more effective.

My body's a shadow
There's ice on my breath
From my misery
You fashion a thorn
Pierce it through my heart
^
and pierce it through my heart. And I'll bleed out your scorn

I'm all alone here
No one hears my scream
No one to take back
All the nothings I've seen

That's that. Throughout your poem, I saw two things you really struggled with. The first one, which I'll excuse since it was the first poem you ever wrote, is grammar. You don't really seem to understand that poems have to have grammar in them, but I'm sure you've learned that by now. However, on another note, I saw no spelling mistakes; great job!^^

The other thing that you struggled with was description and scene transitions. I'm sure I covered it enough in the first part of my review, but I will say that a good thing to do is read your poem. Pretend you're a reader, and you know nothing about it. I do that all the time with my stories, and it really helps.

PM me if you have questions.

^I think that it goes like this:

The streaks on my cheeks
No one can see

I wear no mascara
So I cannot bleed

I guess it lacks spacing, so much so that some find it difficult to know which line connects to which.

Yeah, anima9 took it the right way.

The streaks on my cheeks
No one can see
I wear no mascara
So I cannot bleed

Here, the first two lines are one sentence and the second two lines are the second sentence. I suppose this is the kind of confusion that putting in punctuation would alleviate lol. The streaks are tears, which can't be seen because she doesn't wear make-up, and the fourth line is drawing a metaphor between bleeding and the way it looks when one is crying with mascara on (as though they were bleeding black blood).

Oh, and also...

From my misery
You fashion a thorn
Pierce it through my heart
And I'll bleed out your scorn

The punctuation on that would be like...

From my misery,
You fashion a thorn.
Pierce it through my heart,
And I'll bleed out your scorn.

I'm using an unspoken "you" as subject for the first clause in that second sentence. I know that's a little risky, grammar-wise, but anything else would make a run-on sentence and disrupt the rhythm.

Wow, this is amazing.

I wear no mascara
So I cannot bleed

is my favorite line.

Artistic to compare mascara to bleeding.
But, what if mascara was, and no rain.
Would that be a drought?

I really like it.
It really expresses alot.

I actually thought this poem was quite brilliant. Sad and depressing, yes, but utterly wonderful besides that.

springs616 wrote:The streaks on my cheeks
No one can see
I wear no mascara
So I cannot bleed
I suffer in silence
And scream in seclusion
Optimism is
Your greatest delusion

This was a wonderful handful of lines, and your rhyming scheme is impeccable.
I don't know what else to say, except I slightly enjoyed the lack of punctuation. But that may be me and my lust for grammatical anarchy.
Lol. Keep writing and rhyming,
EMpress

Hey there!

Despite the whole sadness and dark side of the poem, I did enjoy it. Your rhyme scheme is kind of flawless, which is nice, and the rhythm impeccable. Obviously your grammar could use some work, and you don't need to capitalise every line, but that's been pointed out. I especially liked your description of the thorn. Nice job!

~Amy

Hi!

I'd have to say this is one of the better dark poems I've seen lately. The rhyme scheme is good, your spelling is good, and even though it wasn't punctuated, that seems to sum up the chaos the narrator is clearly feeling inside. You keep it to the point and don't go off on tangents and you keep it descriptive without choking the reader with flowery adjectives.

I don't really have any nitpicks.

I hope to see more of your work.