The Origin of Halloween, Part I

On the thirty-first of October that year, the village of Hallow was blessed with the coronation of a new king. The young man who inherited the throne was only sixteen; he had taken over for his deceased, and much hated father.
However, the people of Hallow loved the young king. It seemed too good to be true, when, right after his coronation, he announced that there would be a fantastic feast that evening that everyone in the village was invited to attend.
The townspeople had gone wild, for they were extremely excited to be dining in such luxury, especially in the presence of the King!
When the banquet arrived, the townspeople, dressed in their finest outfits, were shocked to see such a lavish feast. There were many dishes of made of pumpkin – pumpkin pie, pumpkin sweet rolls, pumpkin bread - as well as many other deserts, from chocolate tortes to fruitcakes.
“Why does the food consist entirely of sweet items?” A townsperson asked the King.
“I never enjoyed regular food,” the King replied simply. “This is a celebratory day, where you don’t have to torture yourself with the taste of non-sweet foods.”
The townspeople didn’t mind, but they began to sit down and eat nonetheless. A half an hour later, they were still eating, as the food was absolutely delicious. However, much of the food has disappeared, and the king soon realized that there would be none left for him to enjoy later. That was when he sat up and made the grand announcement.
“Please,” he pleaded, “Stop eating.”
The people stopped and looked the King, disappointed and puzzled.
“We must converse our recourses,” the King said, laughing nervously as he took in the angry looks. “We don’t want a food shortage to befall Hallow. I need some food to enjoy later!”
“You could always get more,” yelled an angry townsperson.
“You’re absolutely right,” said the King with smile. Soon he had come up with a glorious idea. “Who wants to continue eating?”
The crowd cheered in approval, and began to pick up their forks.
“Wait,” said the King. “I have made a decision. There is not enough for all of you, and I have decided to hold a contest that will determine who shall get the remaining food.”
“What exactly will the contest entail?” a dinner guest asked.
“You die,” said the King, having only a vague idea, “Or you get the treats.”

Hi Brynn, I'm Meg.

One problem with your story is that it's all tell and no show. Your story so far is basically, "This is the king, these are the people, they had a feast..."
Kinda boring, right? Dive deeper and show us the story.

1. Describe the setting - are there rolling green hills and thick forests? Or is it a sparsely vegetated land with mountains in the distance? Picture the scene in your head and try to put that same image in the reader's mind.
2. Describe your characters - so the king is young, right? That's a good start. Is he handsome? Or is he a spoiled glutton? And the peasants, are they starving and dirty? Or are they just simple townfolk?
3. Action and emotion - give some life to your story! Add some action here and there, even if it is simple gestures like the crowd of peasants bustling into the castle or the king's servants serving the desserts. As for emotion, explain to us why the peasants were excited about dining in the castle. Tell us why the king wants the people to hold a contest instead of letting them eat.
4. Transitioning from scene to scene - slow down! Your story is at too fast a pace right now, jumping frantically from one scene to another. Slow down, and let yourself focus and build on one part of the story before moving on to the next. You don't want to overload your audience with information, but you don't want them to not get enough!

These are just some questions and pointers to help you think a bit and hopefully expand your mind when you're writing.
Questions? PM me!


Meg

Bonjour, Elinor! This was pretty good, but as Meg stated above, you have a few things you need to work on. I didn't find much grammar errors, so you should be happy. Although, you definitely need to work on showing not telling. It gets slightly redundant. "He did this, he did that." Describe what the main character is feeling, as well. Is the main character the King? If it is, then let us get into his mind. Why does he want to keep all the food for himself so much? Is he sinister? Or just crazy? As Meg said, describe the setting. Where are they? What's it like there? Reading this story, I felt like my Dad was telling me a bed time story but didn't want to. Just practice on detail, and you'll be great! Sorry if this seemed harsh.

Keep writing! Good luck!

-Kate

P.S. If I didn't explain something very clearly, please feel free to Pm. I will be happy to help.