Death City: Nobody Likes Routine

Ok, so this is just the beginning (and first draft) of a stroy that I'm writing. I came up with the idea a long time ago, and over the summer I wrote it. I tried tidying it up a little, but help me some more if you can! Oh, and by the way I chose the last name Muerte because it means death in Spanish! so, review, tell me how you likes it, and tidy it up a bit! I know it needs it!
----------------------------
Death City: Nobody Likes Routine

Chapter 1

The velvety twilight looking down upon Natasha Willard was breathtaking. It was as if her artist of a younger sister, Fauna, had decorated the sky with the most vivid and beautiful of mauves, the brightest of red-orange from where the sun still faintly beamed, and the deepest sapphire imaginable that looked as if it had its own texture.
Natasha gazed at the heavens with desire for just one more night here at Death City. I mean, Natasha loathed Death City with all her heart and soul, but if she could pack the sky in her suitcase and bring it wherever the heck her and her family were going early tomorrow morning, she would. And what Natasha loved the most about those gorgeous skies above her in Death City, was that they showed absolutely no resemblance to the people who lived under them: Dead. No, the skies were most definitely alive. Natasha could see that if no one else in this wretched city could.
Natasha sighed heavily (an unnecessary thing to do) thinking of the reality of that statement. This city really was so wretched, so desolate of people who weren’t freaks about the rules and regulations of Death City. For Heaven’s sake they had the rules carved in stone and plastered in the middle of town so that everyone and anyone could see them, just like the ancient Romans did.
Natasha thought that was stupid, because people--humans passing through the town could possibly see the laws if the town elders (whom looked around 50 because that’s when they stopped aging) hadn’t directed the humans to go around and away from the center of town and onward to wherever the outside roads took them. You see—Natasha didn’t know where it took them, she’d never stepped a foot outside of Death City. There were only two citizens who had ever had the nerve of leaving Death City and breaking the number 3--and very last—law, they fell in love with a human. Their names were Nellie Muerte and her father, Damien Muerte. By now you’re probably wondering what the laws of Death City are, well here they are: Rule Number 1- You shall not tell humans passing through of our city’s truth. Rule Number 2- You shall never leave Death City. Rule Number 3- You shall never fall in love with a human. The penalty for breaking any of these laws—is decapitation, the only way to kill a Death City native.
And that is exactly what Natasha and her family were going to do early tomorrow morning—break law number 2. Hopefully they wouldn’t get caught. If so…
Natasha shook her head rapidly, No, don’t think like that, she told herself. No one will get caught…you’ll see. She thought.
Natasha took one last longing glimpse at the gorgeous sunset, and lifted herself up off the verdant ground. Tonight she didn’t have time to watch the sky until midnight like she usually did, no. She had to pack her things for the big journey.
She sauntered herself all the way through her backyard, taking note of the things around her, smiling at all the memories (these lighter than the other memories) each item brought back to life.
The old swing set: Natasha remembered being pushed on those swings when she was only 5 by her older brother Sam whom thought he was so strong, being 7. She remembered after swinging, her brother was abashed to admit that he also needed her help swinging. Natasha smirked as she relished that awkward and hilarious moment.
The sandbox lying on the grass next to the swings- Natasha recalled the summer of when she was 9, playing in the sandbox with her younger sister, Fauna, who then was only 6. She remembered that they would try to make sandcastles in that sand like they heard human children did on beaches, since they could never go to one. Each time they thought they were getting close to actually building one, it usually began to rain or one of them accidentally knocked it down, both resulting in an epic fail.
Natasha closed her soft brown eyes, seeing all these memories replaying in her head—and then she turned to the back door to let herself inside her house.
Coming inside, she heard rattles and bangs of objects coming from down the hall to the right, and up the stairs.
She closed the door firmly behind her, and proceeded down the hallway to find her mother scurrying around her room, contemplating on what to bring with her.
Natasha raised an eyebrow as she saw her dad doing the same thing—she thought it was only her mother who worried.

------------------------

Review and BE HONEST! can't talk anymore, bye bye!

I think the story has lots of potential, and in that I think it's very good. The grammatical errors are a bit frustrating when reading, also some general comments:

"It was as if her artist of a younger sister, Fauna, had decorated the sky with the most vivid and beautiful of mauves" - the word "artist" is jarring there, take it out, rephrase it, do something with it.... maybe just leave it out the sister reference altogether, you don't have to introduce every character in the first sentence.

"This city really was so wretched, so desolate of people who weren’t freaks about the rules and regulations of Death City." - I really don't like this line, it may be just personal preference, but I feel that you use the words 'Death City' way too often. Try using something else - vary it, otherwise it gets a bit tedious and repetitive. Also, the word "freaks" here doesn't really work, in my opinion. It sound so 'sulky, adolescent slang'. Try: "...who weren't so obsessed with the rules..." or something similar.

Oh, and on the point of the 'rules and regulations' - only three? The way you talk bout them before you would swear there were hundreds!

"I mean, Natasha loathed Death City with all her heart and soul, but if she could pack the sky in her suitcase and bring it wherever the heck her and her family were going early tomorrow morning, she would." - I don't think "I mean" goes well here. What about: "That's not to say Natasha liked the city; she loathed it with all her heart and soul, but if she could pack the sky in her suitcase and bring it wherever the heck her and her family were going early tomorrow morning, she would."

"Natasha shook her head rapidly, No, don’t think like that, she told herself. No one will get caught…you’ll see. She thought." - again this is really only a personal preference but I think that "Natasha shook her head rapidly, no, she refused to let herself think like that. No one will get caught…"

"She sauntered herself all the way through her backyard" - get rid of that "herself", maybe: "She sauntered back through the garden to the backdoor". Also, I don't think the word "sauntered" really works here, it's too nonchalant for a character who seemingly has such difficult issues weighing on her mind.

"Coming inside, she heard rattles and bangs of objects coming from down the hall to the right, and up the stairs." - I don't really like the words "rattles and bangs" here, though that's just my opinion, maybe you could try some more specific onomatopoeia, perhaps with direct reference to the objects being moved to create the sounds.

Other than those few comments I think it's pretty good, could definately use some tweaking, but basically a good idea. Keep writing!

I think daisy got most of everything but there's one section that bothers me that she didn't get.

a_kittens_claws wrote:There were only two citizens who had ever had the nerve of leaving Death City and breaking the number 3--and very last—law, they fell in love with a human. Their names were Nellie Muerte and her father, Damien Muerte. By now you’re probably wondering what the laws of Death City are, well here they are: Rule Number 1- You shall not tell humans passing through of our city’s truth. Rule Number 2- You shall never leave Death City. Rule Number 3- You shall never fall in love with a human. The penalty for breaking any of these laws—is decapitation, the only way to kill a Death City native.

I thought that describing the rules here kind of threw off the flow. They weren't call for here...maybe a little earlier when you're talking about the rules themselves and not the fate of these two people. And giving both Nellie and Damien a last name is a little redundant. You could say "Damien Muerte and his daughter, Nellie." or "Nellie Muerte and her father, Damien."