End the pain

Something I found while going through my journals. It's just a short story, tell me what you think of it. Enjoy!
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The whole world was shaking. No; not the whole world, just me. Shaking violently. Why the hell am I shaking? I wanted to scream the question but I couldn't move, couldn't talk, just shake. It felt as if there was an earthquake inside of me, as if someone set off a blender on my insides. And, oh, did it hurt? Hurt like hell! My insides felt like they were crumbling and bumping into each other. And, hell, I just realized how terribly cold it is. So cold it's stinging. The cold, it hurts more than the shaking. Someone, anyone, please, end this. End me!
It's quiet; too quiet. An eerie ominous silence. Am I the only one here? Where is 'here' anyway? So many questions, no answers. Come on Kasen think. Think! What happened?
The last I remember I was running away from something- no, not running away, running to something. No! Running to someone. Who was I running to? A girl I know, but her name I can't recall. El-
A sharp stab of pain cut off my thoughts. I'm on the border line of death. Come on die! Push towards the darkness! There's no more pain in the dark. It's not that far away! Oh, it would be so nice in the dark. No pain, no worries, no shaking! If only I could push towards it, just a little bit further, but I can't. Fuck! I can't even die.
How long will I have to endure this pain? Minutes, hours, days, weeks, years? What did I do to deserve this? I've always been a fairly good kid. I barely got in trouble, I never lied, why me?
I hear footsteps in the distance. I want to call out, to scream for help, but my lips are sewn shut. Figuratively or literally? I wouldn't know.
"This way," a voice screams as the darkness advances on me. No Kasen! Don't die now! Help has come.
A feel a warm presence drop beside me, it's warmth doesn't chase away the cold though. If anything it makes the cold worse.
"Oh, Kasen," someone sighs as something warm is placed on my forehead. That voice, I know that voice. Elana! The darkness advances further. No, I beg silently, no, please don't! Something shakes me, but it's an external shaking. Elana's voice pierces my ears.
"He's not breathing," I'm not?," Kasen, please, wake up! Please!" Something hot and wet drops on my cheeks. Tears perhaps? The darkness pushes down on me and my pain fades away. Death is near.
"Kasen, sweetie, don't die!" I can feel my life slipping away.
"Kasen! Oh god, don't die!"
I'm sorry.
"I love you!"
I love you too. Something shakes me again and the tears fall faster onto my face.
"Don't die!"
Goodbye. And everything goes black.

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That's all! Hope you liked it!

Woah! Before I even review, please rate this accordingly! The f word makes this at least 16+.

Bonjour! I am Kate. This story was so sad! I want everything to turn out okay. Consider writing more? *begs*

Nit-picks:

LoVeLeSs wrote:The whole world was shaking, no, not the whole world, just me.

It would be, "The whole world was shaking. No; not the whole world, just me.
Another thing you could do to make this sentence sound better would be to take out the second 'whole'. Repeated words don't flow well together.

LoVeLeSs wrote:Why the hell am I shaking?

I love how you use italics here! I often use italics to describe what exactly the main character is thinking, too.

LoVeLeSs wrote:It felt as if there was a earthquake inside of me and it hurt!

Instead of telling us it hurts, show us how it hurts. What hurts? Is it a burning pain? Or a deep punching pain?

LoVeLeSs wrote:It's quiet, to quiet, an eerie ominous silence.

It would be, "It's quiet; too quiet. An eerie ominous silence." Again, repeating words doesn't flow the best, but that's just me. You can keep it this way if you like.

LoVeLeSs wrote:Am I the only one here? Where is 'here' anyway?

Maybe put these thoughts into italics?

LoVeLeSs wrote:I want to call out, to scream for help, but my lips are sewed shut.

Literally? I wouldn't think so, but maybe you should clarify this a little more.

Overall, this is a pretty good story. I would watch the exclamation marks, though. Too many can make the reader be put off by the sudden screaming going on on their head.
Also, are you going to finish this? I hope you do. PM me with any questions.

Keep writing!

-Kate

Sorry! I usually don't bother to rate my work. I guess I should. Hope this is better now.


XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Summer Night

And sorry Dreamy! Didn't mean to throw out the 'f-bomb' like that without warning my viwers. Sorry.

Hi, I'm just going to go through all of the nitpicks, then I'll review. OK, here it goes

LoVeLeSs wrote:
It felt as if there was a earthquake inside of me, as if someone set off a blender on my insides.

The part where you said a earthquake. It should be "an earthquake."

LoVeLeSs wrote:It's quiet; to quiet.

It's quiet; to quiet. The "to" should be turned into "too".

LoVeLeSs wrote: So many questions. No answers.

So many questions. No answers.This is a suggestion that I would say, "So many questions, no answers."

LoVeLeSs wrote: I hear footsteps in the distance. I want to call out, to scream for help, but my lips are sewn shut. Figurativly, literally? I wouldn't know.

Figurativly, literally? Figurativly should be "figuratively." And, this is another suggestion that I'd say, "figurativly or literally?" Because it gives the reader a better understanding of the sentence.




Well, that's all I have for the correcting part, but the story is a very good one. I like how it started out exciting, and ended sadly. You also made the reader (at least, for me you did) want Kasen to live. Good job, and keep it up!

Fixed it! Hope it's better now.

Hi Loveless! How are you today? ^.^ I'm Kat, and I shall review this now. Please have in memory that I have slacked on reviewing for a few weeks now x)

I. Details

The cold, it hurts more than the shaking! Someone, anyone, please, end this. End me!

Nothing technically wrong in this, but in my opinion it's too much of exclamation points. I think this deserves a more dramatic voice. All the previous 'hells' can tell me that your MC has a more exuberant way of expressing the dislike of a situation, but this part, for me, could do better without the exclamation points, more like a lament.

The last I remember I was running away from something, no, not running away, running to something.

Right here, it's a simple mistake that could be fixed with just reading the sentence. Now, read the sentence. Does it look good to you? Well, to me it doesn't, at least in the first part. This should be phrased as something of the sort: 'The last thing I remember was of running away from something - no, not running away, running to something'. I actually made a change of punctuation, just because I think it sounds better. It's like she's cutting her thoughts, replacing the ones before by the more recent discoveries. Am I making any sense? xD

Oh it would be so nice in the dark.

Comma after 'Oh'. It's an interjection so.

Fuck! I can't even die.

Uh-oh. This means rate your work! It's extremely necessary. Please click edit your post and rate it, so that our younger members don't stumble across this and read this kind of language.

No, I beg silently, no please don't!

If you put the 'no' and the 'no, please don't!' in italic, it would be more effective.

"He's not breathing,"

Oh, it's a guy! Funny, I thought your MC was a girl up until now xD

II. Voice
I really enjoyed the tone of this. It was easy to read, and I could relate to some thoughts in some way. For example, just your tone on the first paragraph was what actually caught my attention and that's a really good thing. Also, the confusion of the thoughts and opinions was very realistic. Like that question between the other person's talk was great.

III. Plot and Characters
Hum. It sounds interesting to me, but I'm not really sure on what it is about. To start with the death of the main character can be risky, since the death of a character will have more impact once the person starts to like and relate to a character. In a piece this short, it might not do so well. But, as I can you have posted the second part, I'll shortly be seeing if you pulled it off
As for characters, I can't really say much since this is a short piece to base a character of, but you let me now enough for this part of the story. You didn't make them flat, but unknown enough.

Okay, so hope I've helped, and I'll be moving on to the next part!
Questions? Pm me ^.^
- Kat

Typos! Instead of "boarderline" it's actually "borderline."

Okay! Now the story! It seemed really... flat. We really didn't know about any of the characters or what their relationship was with each other or anything. We just knew that one guy wanted to die because he was in pain, and even that's vague. We didn't know the main reason of the death, which is sad because we didn't even know if it were an accident or self-induced or whatnot. So we never had a chance to know the characters.

If you want to flesh out the story, the best way would be to introduce the way he died. That way, it can give us an idea of why Elana is acting the way she is with him and give us a context of the pain and how serious and urgent it is.