Child's Soul

...

I'm hoping that soon someone comes along and gives you a real, nice, thorough review. I can't though. Because I have nothing to say. It had wonderful balance. To me at least. Beautiful word choice, and excellently phrased. One of my favorite poems I've read in quite some time.

I CAN tell you some stuff though. About why it was so excellent.

First off, your repetition was founded well. For example;

A...gratitude

That excerpt was from Child, you probably recognize. Throughout that paragraph, you began with A every so often. But you always made sure it was two lines paired together; two lines beginning with A. You also do this twice in Adult, and once in Elder. High five

Secondly, there was noun repetition. Trees, flowers, even the word Terra. (Except Terra needs to be capitalized )

Thirdly, your balance. Usually, with freehand poetry, I see lack of balance, and make it a point of telling them how. Well, a point of trying to tell them how. SO I feel that it's necessary to make it a point of telling you how yours was balanced.
Your line lengths were reasonable. None were too extremely larger or smaller than each other, so it kept excellent rhythm. All your lines were above five syllables. In each separate set, the syllable count was kept relatively the same.

I know this isn't my best review ever, and I didn't do a very good job of helping you out. Just know I really enjoyed it. Do me a favor; keep writing poetry.

This was a school presentation? +A.

~Sarah

Hey Kam!

I wanted to tell you that I love this. It really has that Native-American touch. As I was reading, I felt like I was listening to a tribe elder talk about his tribe's history. Anyways... At first, reading the child's story, I was a little unsure about what was going on. The repetitive The's and A's was kind of a drag, almost like I was hearing the same thing over and over again.

The ... own.

Maybe instead of "The" at the beginning of every one, try something like:

The ... own.

And maybe not so many short and point one line sentences. I love this poem, but it's way too... Cut off. I mean, instead of saying "This life is fun. This life is exciting and filled with joy." Maybe try something like "This life is exciting,[line break] filled with joy."

That may not be the right thing to tell you to do, but it would be how I would like to see it. Wonderful poem, Kam!

Hi, Kamas! *sparklethought*

This is a very neat poem! I find it very cool how you went through three stages of this person's life. Like... it's really cool!

I think a grammarcheck is in order, but you would do that anyway after reading your comments, ja? There were some typos here and there, it seemed like.

But anyway, to the point of the poem! Your description here was lovely. Your words all tied together and as someone said already, you kept a common theme of nature in your descriptions. Excellent job with this! One thing that did tug at my mind was how you just listed the descriptions. They were mostly independent clauses, a laundry list of descriptions. That could just be me though.

And I think the Adult part could use a bit more comparison to the earth. You said you were tying in the stewardship of the Mohawks to the stewardship of the Earth (or vice-versa), ja? I think you need a bit more earth in the Adult and less Mohawk. I could just be jabbering about nothing, but eh, haha.

I very much like how the structures of the Child and Elder parts are very similar. It's an excellent tie back to the beginning. Don't change that trait in your poem. I think that works marvelously.

I wish I had something more constructive to say. It's a very unique poem, and I'm not much of a poet to give you much more, haha. Good luck with your poem! It's in pretty good shape!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey there Kamas! So... I do believe I have warned you that I have not reviewed poetry in a very long time, but, at your request, I am glad to be here. So, a forewarning that I'm rusty at this. But I will do my best.

This poem was beautiful; I really enjoyed the Native American touch, as has been mentioned above, and some of the lines were pure brilliance. You have a way of arranging words that just makes me beam with admiration from time to time. The 'Child' part was most lovely and the 'Elder' part beautiful, but in the 'Adult' part there were a few lines that felt awkward--like you were trying too hard, if you know what I mean. So, that being said, I'm just going to go through and point out a few parts that struck me as awkward/might need a grammar look.

A ... sought.

Hmm, the 'true happiness sought' sounded forced to me. Also, you are focusing in on a single man here as a larger metaphor, but due to the singularity of the child, would 'the' be a better article than 'a' for the child's soul? Just try reading it a loud--it might just be my personal preference, but I thought I would point it out.

Flowers ... past.

I just want to say I love this part. ^_^ Is tree supposed to be plural? Also, it might be a nice touch to use some musical term in 'tradition's past' so the humming is more aural.

The... sticks.

Watch out for noun-pronoun agreement. Maybe intentional, but it jarred me.

The ... assistance.

'altered to the unfamiliar' sounds awkward to me. The second line also sounds awkward. Try reading these aloud? Again, I know poetry gets some leeway with word arrangement gymnastics, but those two parts sound unnecessarily awkward. Also 'they cold bites'? Is it 'the cold bites'? 'Cry out' also sounds a little strange. Why not outcry?

Anger ... more.

LOVE it.

Games ...past

I guess the way you use 'sought' after the things being sought works, but every time I come across it, it strikes me as awkward sounding.

The...forgotten.

Really like the river running with disgust. It's = its? There are multiple times here where you use it's and it should technically be 'its'

Okay, so, those are a few of the places where I had to pause and reread the line a few times due to awkwardness/grammar stuff. As Jabber said, this could use a once over for tense agreement and grammar. Also, read it aloud. There is a lot of word arrangement freedom in poetry, but too much of that and the poetry loses its flow. I feel like there was a little of that here, so just go through and take a second look at some of the awkward sections. Also, the 'Adult' part drags for me a little. The 'Child' part rings with this sense of beginning and the opening of a story. The 'Elder' part sounds weary, in rhythm and word choice. The 'Adult' part is sort of lingering and neutral, but, due to the devastation that is occurring there, I question if it should be. Maybe play with some chaotic rhythms and accelerating pacing? It is up to you, but tis an idea.

In any case, a beautiful poem. Thank you for leading me here to read it--it was wonderful. Hope that helped! Nice job and keep on writing! PM me if you have any questions.

The...grasses

First of all, the term "honey sweet" is cliche and boring. Secondly you use this term more than once, and although I can see where you might have been going for a kind of epic Greek metaphor, I don't think it works. Thirdly, you used the word sweet too many times throughout this piece.

Bounding ... elsewhere

I hate the usage of the word "frisky" but I love the use of the word "refurbish".

Deer ... tumbleweed.

This needs to be one sentence and I don't like the image of a tumbleweed. Cliche.

A ... gratitude

I question your use of the word Terra in all three stanzas...

The ... sticks.

Really didn't like this line... I suppose because it reminds me of Pochahauntus and the "savages" song... Do without this. I think that the mention of the white man destroying everything is a tired, worn-out image/topic.

--

Anyway, enough with the nitpicks.

I will say that this is goes above and beyond the average YWS poem in meaning, heart, description, and voice. But looking at this with a critics eyes, I found the diction a tad boring and I felt that the way you went about writing stanza two -- Adult -- practically ruined this set of poems for me. In regards to that section -- It held no poetic voice, there was no attempt at utilizing poetic techniques, and I did not get the impression that this was being written about Indians or from the POV of Indians except for the mundane references to "fire sticks" and the like.

On the other hand, I enjoyed "Child" and most of "Elder". I think child has the makings of a top notch poem, if you tweak the language a little and dive deeper into the mentality of the indian, into the spirit of the west. I think that that's probably my main beef with this piece. It's too sterile. It doesn't feel like a western poem. it doesn't feel, or smell, or taste like a poem about indians...

There were several passages I enjoyed here. You are one of the few poets I've met who also regard the english language as a flexible, bendable tool. You have managed to say some things here in a way I haven't heard them before. However, you inbred those little gems with lots of cliches, and I think you know what I'm referring to. I suggest that you use more similes and metaphors and focus more on using sensory images to advance your message than by using hollow words and phrases.

Also, read some stuff by Cormac McCarthy. It's a good example of the spirit of the west that I was talking about.

-Kylan