Hero - edit

The following is the prologue to a story I would like to write, I have never written any fantasy but I read a bit so thought I would try my hand. Reviews fair and harsh are welcome.

Hero - prologue

“Kill her!” the shrill voice echoed. Her white face turned in its hood, spotting the dark shapes coming from the sky. Fear gripped her from her chest as her eyes grew wide, her pale mouth fell open, and shadows swarmed down around. The hood of her robe fell as she spun around with long brown hair whipping her face. The shadows circled in.

She clutched at her chest, feeling beneath her robes for the pendent. Her heart slammed into her cold knuckles as she clutched the precious thing. The shadows moved closer and she was beginning to drown. The air became thin and light was fading.I can't die and give up the sclithe.

She tensed her entire body, a summoning spell was her last chance.“Aspardo!” she screamed. The magic’s effect was sudden; A hero fell from the sky with a sword in hand he landed on one knee with head down. He pushed off the hard earth with his gauntlet then stood with legs wide apart in a battle stance.

“Cantra flamarda” his sword began to glow then light shined from the edges of the blade. His thick brow sat, partly covering his eyes as he glared at her. He was cool, the darkness was overwhelming yet he was collected.
“Get out, run, just get the sclithe away” The old hero’s face was scarred and his black beard was full. The bright sword swung wildly and the creature’s shrill cries echoed as he collected three with one blow. “Run now!” he called as he threw his tall sword around. She charged through the gap with her head down and the hero’s footsteps were close by.

More dark creatures swirled high above, descending from the stormy clouds. Their ghastly cries echoed across the land. She ran hard still snatching at the pendent. She ripped it from her chest and, as she ran, she snuck a look back at the hero, his face was contorted and his arms were torn back in a crucifix, his sword slipped to the ground and the glow faded to a slick steel. She winced, it's over. He was consumed in the darkness, his face became white and his mouth open and dark. A sorrow dawned deep in her chest, she had summoned her keeper here to certain death. She raked a loose sleave across her eyes collecting tears. Firmly clutched in her hands was the amber pendent.

“es tarrago, es carde, es sharma… es tarrago, es carde, es sharma…” She chanted louder. Es tarrago, es carde, es sharma. The cries were daunting and the swarm closed in again. White smoke was escaping between her fingers. Es tarrago, es carde, es sharma. The darkness closed in. The smoke was taking form, a full sword was shaping in her grasp. Es tarrago, es carde, es sharma.

“Kill her now!” the same shrill voice rung loud as though the scream came from her own mouth. She continued running but the air was growing thin again, the darkness was closing in. Suddenly relief washed over, her shoulders rolled back and her head lifted. In the sky ahead, she could see Maav, her brother, soaring on the back of Argo. She stopped for a moment, salvation. She let a smile spread.
“Maav!” she cried, “Down here.”

Maav pulled up and sat soaring. His eyes were white and empty. She stared at him frowning with confusion. He pulled his bow from his shoulder drew back a single arrow and whispered “ecix.” Her mouth fell open and her eyes suddenly grew wide and teary. The sound was hollow like a spade into soil. She looked down at the arrow in her chest.

She defiantly eyed the smokey sword. “es Tarrago, es carde, es sharma, enchantargo esis!” Her last breath resonated. The enchantment was complete. The sword became whole, real, for a moment. Then, like sand through her grip, it faded away. The arrow pressed in deeper as she fell forward. Her eyes closed and she smiled, she had won, the Sclithe was now with its rightful owner, her mission was complete.

Hey, I'm really drawn in by this story. A few of your sentences fell awkwardly, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I love that you kill the character most of the prologue follows. It gives the reader a shock and pulls them in.

Hey, I loved this.

I immediately wanted to know more, to read the next line. So far, trying your hand is going great. Please write more!

Tanya

Wow! I didn't see that coming! This is really good, but it sometimes has a couple sentences that don't flow very well. I can't give you an example because my computer's being stupid. >.< It's very good, laid out well, and is all around great. I'd go back and maybe try and make the sentenes flow a little better.

-Rach

Hey there joshuapaul! Tis WD again. Glad to see you're dabbling in some new genres. As has been said, you write very well. You have a very good grasp on the English language; there are just a few things I'd like to point out.

1. Grammar

I know, you've seen this mentioned before. It keeps improving every piece you write, but just keep an eye out for it. Because I get the feeling you've been working at improving your grammar, I'll go through and just point out one or two things, kay?

Her white face turned in its hood[,] spotting the dark shapes coming from the sky.

Comma should separate the clause from the sentence. This also goes for the sentence 'she clutched at her chest, feeling beneath her robes...'

“Aspardo!” she cried. The magic’s effect was sudden,(new sentence/semicolon here) a hero fell from the sky with a sword in hand. He spoke.
“Cantra flamarda” his sword began to glow then light shined from the edges of the blade.

'A hero fell...' needs either a new sentence or a semicolon. Also, the 'he spoke' ending at the first paragraph and the words beginning the second paragraph is awkward. You could easily get rid of 'he spoke', start with those words and maybe add one more sentence grounding the reader in the hero to make it clear who is speaking.

There were a few other spots, but the mistakes I saw were either of the sentence with no comma before the clause nature or the run-on sentence nature. If you want me to go through and pick out each mistake, just PM me or something, but I'll spare you the grammar nazi, because I think it's best if you learn to pick those things out yourself.

2. Parallel Sentence Structure

Someone mentioned above that your sentences at the beginning sounded awkward. They did sound a little strange. Here, take a look:

“Kill her!” cried the shrill voice. Her white face turned in its hood spotting the dark shapes coming from the sky. Her eyes grew wide, her mouth fell open, and shadows swarmed down around her. The dark creatures came closer. She spun around but was surrounded.

She clutched at her chest feeling beneath her robes for the pendent. She was beginning to drown. The air became thin and light was fading. Her eyes watered and her vision blurred.

Take a look at those sentence beginnings. Subject-verb paralell sentence structure, oy. Watch out for that. I know you're trying to keep a snappy pace because there's action happening here, but a snappy pace doesn't mean you have to stick to the short, sentence-verb structure. That structure is nice when well-placed and subtle, but writing an entire beginning like that makes things sound a little awkward, in my opinion. The trick to speeding up the voice for action is avoiding 'slowing down' the prose. Avoiding focusing in on unnecessary things. You can still use clauses and compound sentences; you just want to make sure you are on topic and you aren't using massive sentences.

3. The Fantasy Miconception

The last thing I want to address is something I like to call 'the fantasy misconception'. Some writers, and not necessarily you, have this idea that fantasy is all about mystical creatures and elaborate plots and characters can take a backseat as long as the races/places/fantastical elements are awesome. I think Hero has a mild case of this right now. Writing in fantasy does involve a lot of world building and surprises and otherworldly interventions like your Hero, but that isn't really enough. I don't think you're completely ripping off the characters, but here it sounds like you are placing lots of emphasis on the other language, the appearance of the hero and the mystical dark creatures, enough that your character seems more like a puppet you're taking through a made-up world than a person. And, as you know, the most powerful thing readers connect with in a book is the characters.

Right now, your main character seems very distant. Yeah, she dies, but, if you want her to have a lasting impressiong on the reader, she needs more vibrant characterization. So does your Hero. I don't really know whether you want to characterize Hero or leave him a caricature. It depends on your story, but right now Hero is described by appearance and a tiny bit of dialogue. Your main character has a lot of action, but very little personal response and distinguishing action. Characterizing in action scenes is harder than characterizing in calmer settings, but it follows the same principles. Specific verbs, personal reactions (especially the visceral stuff for action scenes), facial expressions, other body language etc. You can still mention this stuff in an action scene as long as it's interspersed without slowing things down.

When it comes down to it, the characters and their place and reactions to the world around them are what make fantasy so exciting. Great fantasy novels have a good dose of fantasy, but they drag the reader in by making characters relateable and intriguing. So don't forget your characters in all the world building and languages.

All in all, this piece shows lots of potential. If you keep trying your hand at fantasy (or anything else, really), I will be sure to find and read. Hope that helped! Nice job! Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions.

Wow! Is the first thing that came to mind. Your descriptions made my bones tingle as if the story were real. I liked it, and even thought it is bordering cliche, with the "darkness" consuming her, I feel like you will break out of it when you continue on. I would like you to post more! I want to see what happens.
~Classy

WD thank you! you are amazing... will PM if I have any concerns and just to clrify the Hero is a caricature, he is of little consequence or significance to the story, just a device to show the power of the dark creatures and to buy the MC a little time. Anyway all advice taken on.