In the Crib of your Love

In the Crib of your Love
Melvin D. Banggollay
Tabuk, Kalinga, Philippines


In the crib of your love I see
Happiness so warm and free
Like a bird singing a melody
Of sweetness of heaven's glory.

In the crib of your love I behold
A touch so warm a million fold
That charms my heart to unfold
The magic of my tongue untold.

In the crib of your love I feel
A love so sweet that can heal
Every pain that my heart unveil
When I turned my love unreal.

Your heart is a crib of true love
So willing to share all you have
Only to show your magical charm
For this foolish heart in your palm.

I thank God for blessing me
With a woman like you so lovely
For If I am with just anybody
I'm sure ,I would not be happy.

Mod: No all-caps please!

I am sure ,I am not happy today.

This is the only major thing I'd like to point out. Would've fit nicely had it been something like

For sure, I would not be happy.

It rhymes and follows the rhythm quite nicely.

Well Mr. Melvin, you surely have improved on your sentence formation and whatnot. This piece is beautiful. I'd like to think you were inspired when you made this.

I'd like to see more of your works. Just follow this type of sentence construction and you'll be receiving no more corrections from me!

Whoa. Wonderful, this is--honestly flawless. I think the only thing might be what anima9 pointed out, though instead of changing it to what he/she said, I would think something such as: "For sure, I would not be so happy" I think it fits more, but that's just me. Great work, though, Mr. Melvin. Your sentences' formation is great. This is a beautiful poem ^_^, really great. I hope to see more works of yours in the future!
Tata!
-Mizzle

Very sweet, it made me think

This is a good piece, and the title/first line is very nice and attention grabbing. But the biggest thing I love in this is the AAAABBBB(etc.) rhyme scheme. It's a very unique and, like the title, a very attention grabbing. To sum up my thoughts, it's attention grabbing. Did I mention it's attention grabbing?
That's all I can say about this piece; it's attention grabbing, and it makes it enjoyable to read.

Keep it up!

Hi Melvin I honestly can't find anything wrong with this piece. I loved the consistency of your rhyme scheme. And the imagery was lovely and very original. Although I do have one question: Why is there only one period per stanza? It would flow better if the reader knew where to stop or if you cut them out all together.

Hope I helped *stars*
~peanut~

Hi, I'm Grin, Narrative stalker extraordinaire

Your rhyming scheme is good, which is refreshing since usually rhyming seems to be a little difficult to do in narrative poetry. My main issue is punctuation - this needs commas, lots of commas. It could use a few semi-colons, too, and ending each verse with a full stop is taking away from the flow and breaking it up.

If you change that, I'm struggling to find anything else to complain about. Normally I find it too easy to get the nitpicks, but this time I really can't. Anything I would have said has been said. So, to sum up, well done!

Hope I helped
~Grin

This was amazing! It was so sweet and beautiful, and I didn't catch any mistakes other than the nitpicky stuff that's already been mentioned. I just really loved it, especially the first stanza! It was so beautiful and it really drew me into the poem. You really did a fantastic job!

~Becki