A feast fitting for a wolf. (Historical Horror.) Part 1.

Hello!

This is my first story to submit here, hope you'll like it. Anyhow a short summary would be clever, no? The story takes place during WW2, it revolves around my character Zevian - an ancient vampire who claims he was around to see Jesus crucified and the death of Gaius Julius Caesar.

The whole concept to why I made Zevian was that I'm so terribly tired of these "good-guy vampires". They are beasts and vile animals, and I'd like to keep them this way, although Zevian is very noble - in a wicked manner.

Anyways, I'll post the story in the next "box" so just scroll down and enjoy part 1

~A feast fitting for a wolf~

He held the tarnished goblet in his pale hand; he twirled it and shook it hard enough to make its content drip onto the floor. Thick red drops fell like summer rain.
Zevian smiled and dropped the goblet, it hit the ground with a heavy thump that send a ringing sound throughout the small room.

The ancient vampire rose from his chair and knelt down to pick up the goblet.

“Master, do not dirty yourself like that. Allow me”, spoke a distant voice.

Zevian chuckled and settled back in his chair. He poked at the empty goblet with his naked foot and sighed, he had never felt such melancholy over discarded blood – it meant nothing to him, however, blood was not hard to find, but to find good quality blood was a rarity.
Women these days had no idea what the meaning of purity meant and it annoyed the vampire to the bones. During his human years, such things had almost been law, and now – it meant nearly nothing.

“I apologize for my delay. There were some refugees trying to break inside”, Zevian’s new servant was a young Jewish man with dark locks and jade colored eyes. He kept his eyes lowered obediently. “I have removed them as you wished, Master.”

“Hmm, removed? Did you kill them, or simply chase them away?” Zevian asked while playing with a strand of his hair, it had once been thick and lustrous but now it hung down like a rag and the brilliant crimson tone had fallen to a pale white.

Adam looked up, his green eyes hidden by an overgrown bang. “Would you have wanted me to invite them? I’m sorry, but you told me…”

“-I told you to keep me well-fed, boy. Do I look pleased to you? I pray not. For I feel a sickly need to rip your throat open just to gulp down that thick disgusting liquid you call blood. Yet I cannot do that now can I?” Zevian shook his head with displeasure. “You are useless, boy. How I wish Jaro was still with me, at least he had some competence.”

No answer came from Adam as he knelt down to wipe up the blood with a dirty rag. Silent tears trickled down his face; Zevian caught him by the chin and raised the boys head to meet his gaze. Crimson met jade and the ancient vampire smiled, it made his nose wrinkle slightly – another hint that Zevian was not feeling well.
Zevian dug his fingernail into Adam’s flushed cheek, a thin line of blood made it’s descend upon the boy’s face. The ancient vampire leaned closer and ran his tongue up the latter, tasting the sweet liquid he had lacked for so long – the blood of an innocent human.

As the vampire once more settled back into his chair and allowed Adam to get back to work, the young servant could already see a change on Zevian’s face – already he appeared ten years younger than he had been a few seconds ago. It was frightening as well as amazing.

“Adam” whispered Zevian, even his voice sounded younger and less hoarse. “I’m very thirsty, will you be a dear and go find me something for dinner? Lately I have had this maddening urge for a redhead, find that please.” The vampire suddenly laughed. “Perhaps I can wear her hair as a wig to match my former color!”

~ End of part 1 ~

Hey Saylyn! I don't think we've met- welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, and I will be your reviewer today (I'm here to avoid studying.)

Just to tell you- it's fine to put your story in the first post, in fact, it's the usual thing done. If you want to put an author's note at the beginning or the end though, feel free! So, now, onto the critique!

I. NITPICKS

He held the tarnished goblet in his pale hand; he twirled it and shook it hard enough to make its content drip onto the floor.

Okay, although this is lovely ornate language, it's not the best thing for a starting sentence. It's a bit of a run-on as well. Try to think of something catchy to start us with, this is sort of myeh-ish as a beginning line. The second one is better.

that send a ringing sound throughout the small room.

sent, and I don't think the word "sound" is necessary.

“Master, do not dirty yourself like that. Allow me”, spoke a distant voice.

"Allow me," spoke a distant... trouble with dialogue punctuation? Here's an article from the YWS KB, by our very own Demeter: topic44898.html It's just in case you want to revise it, this is incredibly useful.

and jade colored eyes. He kept his eyes lowered obediently.

try, "jade colo[u]red eyes which he kept lowered obediently," or "dark locks. He kept his jade eyes lowered obediently." Show, don't tell.

made it’s descend

its descent. Remember, he's, she's, it's, but his, her, its.

Alright...

II. PURPLE PROSE

Your writing here is pretty good, in fact, great in some places, but I was aware that you were overdoing it a bit as well. Purple prose means you're putting in loads of adjectives and adverbs and changing short words for big ones. It comes off a bit like Christmas Pudding, nice, but over-rich.

Read through it and see if there are sentences with too many adjectives and adverbs- adverbs especially. Don't be afraid to use "normal" words like said. Remember, sometimes, less is more!

III. OVERALL

Overall, this was pretty good! Basically, I would definitely read that article and learn your dialogue punctuation (or re-learn, as the case may be), and my main advice would be to relax. Stop trying to impress us, and write as it comes naturally. This'll help get rid of purpleness, as well as aid your sentence structure, which could use some work as well. My advice (as always) would be to read, and see how professional authors do it, and play a game of spot the difference.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Thank you for the review, I appreciate it dearly ^^

Actually once I read through my own text while looking at the sections and things you pointed out - I can only agree. I have the tendency to add too much, but it's mostly 'cause sometimes it feels like I'm giving too little, if you understand.

I also noticed the grammar errors, that's how it goes when you're a fast writer, haha

I will try and improve myself for part 2, hope you'll stick around for that

I'll definitely stick around for part two! This was very good. I agree with Stella on most parts, but I'm also glad to see you did actually read over your work again! Post part two soon, I am really looking forward to it! Well, that's all, bye-bye!


XOXOXOXOXOX
Summer Night

Thank you Loveless I'll be occupied with some tests at school this coming week but after that I will work on part 2, it will have some action, yay!

I like this, its very good. Stella covered it all I think, PM me when you get part 2 up, I'm interested to see how you will continue this. Bad guy vamps...yes we do need more of those....

Good job!
~Shaard

For those who want to read part 2, check this out topic54806.html