The Institution

3 posts

How much refining?

  • A lot No votes
  • Quite a bit No votes
  • There are some good parts in it 67%
  • I like it 33%
  • I love it No votes
  • Scrap it all No votes
  • Write it from the parent's view No votes

Total votes: 6

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Gender Female
Points 9593
Reviews 216
The boy had never said a word in his life. He had never heard one, either. He didn’t even know what a word was.
He communicated in hand signals. Tap the left palm with one finger twice, and you get water. Tap it with two fingers twice, and you get food. Tap the right hand with one fniger, and you get let outside. Tap it with two fingers and you get let inside.
The boy thought that his life was simple. He had friends, he had food, sunshine and shelter. He never had to do anything for himself apart from play on the beach or order the staff. That’s what he thought life was.
No one had ever heard of The Institution before the twentieth of December, twenty-twelve. No one had heard of it for a long time after, either. That was the day that the world ended for two thousand and twelve children, world wide. The Experiments had begun with the New Milenium, and The Experiments would begin again with the ‘end of the world’.
They disappeard without a trace. Parents woke up to find their children missing, and a sealed envelope in their letter box. The note read:
Congratulations;
Your Son or Daughter has been chosen for The Experiment. Feel proud to know that they will recieve everything they ever need; an education, friends and a once-in-a-life-time experience.
At The Institution, they will have the time of their life, and be able to enjoy the wide range of activities that we offer. We have sport, art and recreational areas, all available for twenty-four hour use on our ten thousand square kilometre island.
What’s more, The Institution is entirely free! That’s right, your child can enjoy this great opportunity without you having to pay a cent.
You may be pleased to know that everything has already been taken care of, and your child is already on their way to the institution at this very moment!
We appreciate your co-operation with The Experiment.
Remember; your child is in a safe place now.
Yours sincerely, A.S.
Later that day, eachletter and envelope dissapeared without a trace. The parents remembered nothing about having a child. The Experiments had begun.


Please can you comment! I would like to know what you think; akward parts, weird parts, parts that you think I could make better! Also, I would appreciate it if you clicked an option on my poll up the top. Thanks. (I'm not too attached to this peice; just a rough draft, so you can comment on it how ever truthfully you want! Thanks again!)
Last edited by asxz on Sun Nov 22, 2009 2:40 am, edited 3 times in total.
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet




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Gender Male
Points 1763
Reviews 8
Hey,

I like this story quite a lot. It starts of very well because suspense was established.
I think the letter was a bit awkward, though. Some of it was unnecessary like: "All we ask is that you do not go to the police, or tell anyone about The Institution". That line makes The Institution seem weak/vulnerable and I think it would be better to give it a more dominant/powerful guise. Maybe make the letter much shorter - you might only need the first paragraph of the letter. I think that explaining that the letter blew itself up and that the parents' memory of their child was erased should be put after the letter and not in the letter itself.
I don't think you should put it in the perspective of the parents. I like the way it is.
The worse thing I can be is the same as everybody else.
A.S.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9593
Reviews 216
Thanks! I appreciate your votes guys and gals, and I'll go and edit it now! Thanks for the feedback Laurence Branson! I knew that the letter was awkward, and I tried to change it around a bit, but couldn;t think of how.
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet



maybe the backs are the stories we made along the way
— soundofmind