TigerGate

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So this is my book that i have been working on, called TigerGate. This is just the prologue. I figured i could put it on here, couldn't hurt anything. Keep in mind, it is just a draft.


Prologue
Shaari ran, desperate to get away from the men following her. Clutching a bundle to her chest, she threw more power into her run and sped up; trying to reach the safe haven she had created to protect her while she was in this strange land. Though the enchantments were weak here, they provided just enough protection against the dark ones who hunted her.
Taking a corner, her hood fell back to release her silver hair, which splayed out behind her as she hit a dead end. Wheeling around, she ran out of the alley she had turned into, berating herself on the ground she had lost for that mistake. Behind her, she could hear the sound of many feet, pounding in a rhythmic thunder that filled her ears and put a cold knot of dread into her stomach.
She thought about her mission in this dimension, to find the talisman, and then the one who could use it to bring peace to their people. She had thought that it would be impossible to find one person in this crowded and bustling dimension, but ever since she had been united with the talisman, it had seemed to be leading her, pulling her in the direction she needed to go. But then Targon’s men had found her and now she was embroiled in a race for her life and the safety of her people.
Targon was the one who had caused all of this in the first place. As King Elmore’s right hand man, he had had the trust of everyone in the kingdom, and more then a few followers who were loyal only to him. But his position wasn’t enough for him. He had grown greedy, and wanted the crown for himself. And so he gathered around himself thirty individuals. The most loyal and strongest of all of his followers, these thirty would do anything he told them too.
They attacked the King in his throne room, where he had only five of his elite guard around him at all times. Targon thought that this would make it easier to defeat him. But it didn’t. The elite guard was specially trained for attacks such as this, and the King was an excellent swordsman. They beat Targon back, reducing his followers to fifteen in the process. The King banished Targon for his betrayal, and ashamed and defeated, Targon swore that he would one day return to take the crown and the kingdom away from Elmore.
Now Targon was back, no more than thirty years later. He had built himself a kingdom across the mountain range of Shaleara and ruled like a tyrant, allowing no one to leave once they had entered his boundaries. The one way out, and also the only way in, was a small pass through the mountains, called Maienar Pass. The pass was guarded day and night by Targon's soldiers, allowing no one to leave, no way of escape to the poor souls trapped under his rule.
Shaari rounded a corner, almost to her little haven, when she pulled up short. There before her stood two huge men bearing Targon's crest upon their blazers. They had hidden their armor under clothes like the ones people wore here, but they were still distinguishable by that crest. They sneered at her, and she realized that the whole time she had been running, thinking she was getting away, they had really been forcing her into a trap. It had been well thought out, but she still had a few tricks up her sleeve.
Holding the bundle in her hand, she whispered a few words of power over it. Though she had hoped to be there to explain things to the person it had chosen, she would have to make do with knowing the talisman would get the One to their land, and then someone else would get the job of training him.
The bundle lifted up, floated for a moment, and then zoomed off over the roof tops.
“Good luck” she whispered.
Turning to face the men, she relaxed at the knowledge that she had completed her mission. It was the only thing that had mattered, and now it was done. One of them hit her hard on her temple; she fell to the ground, blacking out instantly.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
Last edited by TigerShaard on Sun Nov 22, 2009 2:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. - Conan O'Brien




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Hi there! I'm Irish, Welcome to YWS! :smt003

So, this was AWESOME! for a first post! I loved it! The suspense and the feeling you put into it, as well as adding the history behind it. I really liked that :D

I saw a couple things though:

But then Targon’s men had found her. Now she was embroiled in a race for her life and the safety of her people.


I would make this one sentence. Like "But then Targon's men had found her, and now she was embroiled in a race for her life..." I think it would sound better. Just a suggestion :wink:

And so he gathered around himself thirty individuals.


That sounds a little weird to me, a tad repetitive. Maybe change it to something like "And so he gathered thirty of his most trusted followers.." something like that?

The pass was guarded day and night by Targons soldiers, allowing no one to leave, no way of escape to the poor souls trapped under his rule.


I think you mean "Targon's"?


There before her stood two huge men bearing Targons crest upon their blazers.


Again I think you mean "Targon's"?

Other than those easy to fix mistakes, it was incredible! I really loved it! I hope to see more!

Again, welcome to YWS and if you have any question, I'd be more than happy to help!

Hope to see more!

-Irish :elephant:
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey

Teacher: What do we, in the U.S enjoy from places like Mexico?
Student: Wait, legally?

WARNING: This user carries a spatula.




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That was really good. I only caught the same things Irish did, so I didn't really want to put them here, since it was already said you know? But I am excited about this. I love how you didn't just start it like, "Thirty years after this and this," you know...it was great how you explained it later. Great job!!!
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf




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Thank you!! These make me happy, I didn't think anyone would like it. I will post Chapter one now!!
I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. - Conan O'Brien



For according to the trollish philosopher Plateau, "if you wants to understan' an enemy, you gotta walk a mile in his shoes. Den, if he's still your enemy, at least you're a mile away and he's got no shoes."
— A Blink of the Screen by Terry Pratchett