Bombings

WARNING this includes the London Bombings I strongly urge you not to read it if it's a bit close to home.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to think or feel. Cara sat beside me weeping uncontrollably her eyes raw and red. Yet I didn’t say a thing I was frozen to the spot. ‘How could people do that?’ I questioned myself anger welling within me. It was the first emotion I had felt since hearing the news. Guilt churned my stomach as I paced around the room not making eye contact with Cara. I think I feared I would do or say the wrong thing. Due to the cloud of confusion that engulfed me, meant I wasn’t sure. ‘It must have been terrible’ I thought turning on the TV again. Which intern got me a glare from Cara seeing as she had made a point of turning it off moments before. But whilst she might not have known it. It was for her benefit that I did it as she needed to face the reality of the situation. And ignoring it would only wound her deeper. It was all I could think to do and it distressed us both immensely but I new it was a good call on my part. She needed to see it wasn’t just her suffering but others to.
“Ten bodies have been found so far but the death tool is expected to rise some people have managed to walk away with minor injuries but few are that lucky.” Said the pretty blond TV reporter.
“See they may be fine” I retorted feeling slightly optimistic “there’s the chance they walked away.”
“No they haven’t they would have called they new I would have known they were on that bus they wouldn’t let me stress like this”
“Many people would have been calling maybe the mobiles and lines were overloaded and they couldn’t get through.”
“No I can feel it they’ve left me I just know” she said and for the first time since our knowing of the London tragedy we made eye contact. “I can feel it in my heart it’s as though my soul has been ripped out of me. Anna you’ll never understand.”
“Your right I wont but I trust your senses.” I said tears welling in my eyes as I made my way over to give her a hug. I had finally plucked up enough courage and it seemed to pay off I could tell she appreciated it.
“They’ve gone I’ll never see them again it could be ages before they find their bodies what happens about burying them?”
“I don’t know Cara I honestly don’t know I haven’t a clue whats going to happen about this tragedy. All I know it theirs more to come and it could be us next.”
“Don’t say that” snapped Cara getting to her feet how could you say something so horrible?”
“Don’t get feisty with me i’m merely facing reality as each day were closer to danger. Every time our government meddles in other countries business were in danger of terrorist attacks. It’s awful but I believe inevitable.” I said back equally as annoyed.
“Get out I wont listen to such nonsense” Cara yelled spit flying out of her mouth her face red and she was shaking.
“No” I said “you cant be alone not in this state I’ll look after you”
“No you will not look after me I can do it myself so get out” she screeched throwing a vase in my direction causing it shattered at my feet.
“Fine be like that” I yelled leaving the room abruptly and accidently running into Cara's aunt on the door step. “Sorry, watch her and don’t mention your views on terrorism she’s kicked me out.” I said abruptly before walking home.

Hmmm...

A few things.

First paragraph: please, please, please add more paragraphs.

‘It must have been terrible’ I thought turning on the TV again.

Add commas after terible, and thought, please!


“Ten bodies have been found so far but the death tool is expected to rise some people have managed to walk away with minor injuries but few are that lucky.” Said the pretty blond TV reporter.

You don't capitalize the said in this cermstance, I think, because the period is within the quote. I might be wrong though. Am I wrong? I know Jacqui always nails me on this..

“See they may be fine” I retorted feeling slightly optimistic “there’s the chance they walked away.”

Comma after fine, and optimistic again. Whenever you don't finish a person's quote it looks like this.

"Its a big world out there," whispered Miranda, smiling sweetly, "so be carefull, okay?"

Yah, yah, yah, randomness. But the punctuation is my point.

Comma thing again.

“No they haven’t they would have called they new I would have known they were on that bus they wouldn’t let me stress like this”

This one needs some serious revisiting. Here's what I might do.

“No, they haven’t. They would have called. They knew I would have known they were on that bus, and they wouldn’t have let me stress like this.”

All sentences need a punctuation mark at their end.

“Many people would have been calling. Maybe the mobiles and lines were overloaded and they couldn’t get through.”

^^^ I fixed that one aswell, by adding a period and a capital letter.

“No I can feel it they’ve left me I just know” she said and for the first time since our knowing of the London tragedy we made eye contact.

“No I can feel it they’ve left me I just know” she said and for the first time since our knowing of the London tragedy we made eye contact. “I can feel it in my heart it’s as though my soul has been ripped out of me. Anna you’ll never understand.”
“Your right I wont but I trust your senses.” I said tears welling in my eyes as I made my way over to give her a hug. I had finally plucked up enough courage and it seemed to pay off I could tell she appreciated it.

I think this bit would be more dramatic if you divided it into a few more bits.. Try something like...

“No, I can feel it. They’ve left me. I just know,” she said. For the first time since we learned of the London tragedy we made eye contact.
“I can feel it in my heart. It’s as though my soul has been ripped out of me. Anna, you’ll never understand.”
“Your right, I won't, but I trust your senses,” I said, tears welling in my eyes as I made my way over to give her a hug. I had finally plucked up enough courage and it seemed to pay off. I could tell she appreciated it.


Darn it, I have to get off. I'll be back, Tazy!

Ok! Jennafina is back!

And sorry about being harsh. I'll try to chill a bit for this half.

Where we left off:

Next line. Sounds fine exept for punctuation..

“They’ve gone I’ll never see them again it could be ages before they find their bodies what happens about burying them?”

Should be:

“They’ve gone. I’ll never see them again, and it could be ages before they find their bodies. What happens about burying them?”

Also, the last sentence sounds forced. Maybe, if you have the time, you could replace it?

Next: Again, punctuation...

I did it again, here.

“I don’t know, Cara. I honestly don’t know. I haven’t a clue whats going to happen about this tragedy. All I know it their's more to come and it could be us next.”

“Don’t say that” snapped Cara getting to her feet how could you say something so horrible?”

I think you forgot to put the quotation marks back on once you started finishing Cara's quote. In my last post I mentioned this. Heres another example of the same thing.

“Don’t say that *comma*" snapped Cara *comma* getting to her feet *comma* *quotation marks* how could you say something so horrible?”

“Don’t get feisty with me i’m merely facing reality as each day were closer to danger. Every time our government meddles in other countries business were in danger of terrorist attacks. It’s awful but I believe inevitable.” I said back equally as annoyed.

Please don't take ofence, but I think you might want to rewrite this aswell. Here's what I'd do, but you don't have to do ths same.

“Don’t get feisty with me, Cara. I’m only facing reality as each day were closer to danger. Every time our government meddles in other countries' business we're at risk for terrorist attacks. It’s awful, but I think inevitable,” I said back, just as annoyed.

Next one: Just switch it arround a bit, and it will sound more natural.

“Get out. I won't listen to such nonsense,” Cara yelled, shaking, spit flying from her red moulth.

Also, do we need the spit detail? It vilanizes Cara. Up to this she's been a charecter to pity. If you want to make her hatable, start from the begining.

Continuing quote thing again..
“No,” I said, “you can't be alone; not in this state. I’ll look after you.”

To the end: Nothing but punctuation.

"No, you will not look after me, I can do it myself so get out!” she screeched, throwing a vase in my direction and causing it to shatter at my feet.
“Fine! Be like that,” I yelled, leaving the room abruptly and accidently running into Cara's aunt on the door step.
“Sorry, watch her and don’t mention your views on terrorism. She’s kicked me out.” I said, abruptly, before walking home.

Good suprise ending. Cara's aunt is the relative the girls think is dead, no? Very unexpected.

Tazy, the dialogue is good, but the punctuation is something you might want to practice. Good luck, and keep writing!

I'd really study footage of the London bombings if you're going to go anywhere with this. It was pretty good; I got the plot and all but it was really flat- and pretty stereotypical.

The footage would be especially helpful to you since I don't think there has been a terrorist attack in Australia recently, so you probably wouldn't know what it feels like. (If there has, and I'm just being stupid, you may skip the next part. ) I've been through 9/11- it was really far away, but it's still close to home, since it's your country and people you know are involved. Everyone's freaked and you're freaked and nobody is doing anything right- your entire life is momentarily messed up. Both your narrator and the already-stressed Cara are going to be a little whacked at the moment- Narrator probably wouldn't be able to think so clearly.

If you can get your hands on news tapes, really watch the reactions of people around. If you can get your hands on a documentary with survivors and the families of people who have been closely involved, I would strongly urge you to watch that as well. Be creepy and take close notes. Best of luck!