Road Narrows (2)

Here's the next part..I hope to have the third part up by the end of next week...or sooner.
Tell me what you think,
~Poem

“Who was that?” She calls up to me.
“Some kids from school.” I yell back. The wind gusts in my face, and I look back to see Annie’s smiling freckled face.
“Keep your eyes on the road!” She squeals. I laugh and whip my head back around to look at the few other bikers ahead of me. I glance around at all of the houses on the sides of the road. They are all bleak and grey.
I think back to when Mother would tell me stories of the past. "The golden days" is what she would call them. The stories were wonderful, full of color, and freedom. When there weren't any wardrobe laws, and boys and girls were actually able to go to the same schools. Yeah right, I snort.
"Noah," Annie asks, "Who were those boys that you were talking to earlier?"
I take a large breath, drawing it out slowly. "Just some kids from school." I eventually reply.
"I haven't seen them before." She states.
"Oh, really?" I lie, "They just moved here last month."
"All of them together?"Her tone is harsh and accusing as she interrogates me. I curse silently to myself, and start to pedal harder. We speed up, passing a biker in front of us.
"Hey Noah!" The biker calls, "Slow down, we wouldn't want an accident." I glance back to see Mr. Bolevart, my English teacher, on his bike smiling at us. I reply with a sheepish grin then turn right onto Daisy Street.
Again, all of the houses are identical, with their yards perfect. Grass cut to the right length, and trees in the right spot. All of the garbage cans are exactly three feet away from the street.
Except one.
I pull into our driveway, where leaves litter the ground, and cardboard is used to patch up a broken window. The bike slows to a stop, and Annie hops off to open the garage door.
She has to tug on the handle before it would spring open. I wheel the bike in to rest against the wall, where various tools and other illegal items used to be hidden in the paneling.
Annie can’t stop talking about her volleyball game. It was their fifth game and they haven’t lost one yet. Her anxious chatter follows me into the house where Mama stands quietly over the stove. Smoke starts to billow out of the pot in front of her.
“Hey!” I cry out, and rip her away from the stove. She doesn’t put up a fight as I move the empty pot to the unheated side. I turn off the old dial stove, and turn to yell at her, “What were you thinking?”
She cowers and a small tear starts to drip down her cheek. Cooling down, I start to realize what I have done. Closing the space between us, I wrap my arms around her frail body.
Annie, standing a few feet away, comes to join in the hug. “You know what?” I say, “How about I make dinner tonight?”
“Okay.” Mama mutters, and totters off into the other room.
Annie asks, “Where’s Grandma?” in a worried voice. I shrug as I look through today’s rations. A few cans of soup, and five servings of cold cereal for tomorrow morning. Sighing, I dig through the grey drawers to find a can opener.
I feel a tap on my shoulder, and turn around to see Annie waving the opener under my nose. “Thanks,” I say as I spin to face the stove again.
She hums as she exits the kitchen. I add the correct amount of water to the condensed soup, and then I too walk into the small living room.
Old magazines litter the faded green couch, and I sweep them off to the side to clear a spot for me to sit. Picking up one of the yellow and black booklets, I realize how old they really are. The once shiny and sleek covers have resided to flimsy, rough sheets.
Glancing at the top of the page, I realize that this is one of the last issues that National Geographic ever printed. The date reads, November 2nd, 2021.
“You know,” Granny states as she sits down on the chair on the other side of the small coffee table. “That was the Magazine that made all the difference.” Her grey hair springs loose from her loose bun as she adjusts her button-up jacket.
I nod, having heard the story before. “Weren’t they shut down, because they were the only ones telling the truth?”
“Yes,” She sighs, “That just goes to show-” Vicious knocking at the door muffles the rest of her sentence. Annie comes rushing out of her room, with an ancient typewriter in her arms. Panic engulfs her as the door starts to open, and she flies back into her room, shutting the door behind her.
“Residence committee,” The man at the door calls. “We have received word that your property has not been in proper condition for…” He glances at his clipboard, “One and Twenty days. International regulation allows a forty day lapse in the perfection of property. This is a warning that you have Nineteen days left to meet standards. Any questions?” Granny stands, dumbfounded, and glares. The man raises his eyebrows, and exits the house.

Didn't see any grammar problems! Well written, and wow a twist near the ending with NG magazine and the international regulation! Nothing else to say really, I still want to read on. You sure have me interested now!

This part could have been a bit longer but it's fine! PM me or use my thread when you update it!

Logan.

Eek, Poem, I'm so sorry for the delay! Here, finally, as requested.

First of all:

Punctuation Within Dialogue Tutorial. Check this out. Your punctuation and capitalization are off during the speaking parts, for example:

“Who was that?” She calls up to me.

“Some kids from school.” I yell back.

Should be: "Who was that?" she calls up to me.

"Some kids from school," I yell back.

So, I don't really have many nitpicks-- just some overall observations and suggestions.

When Annie (whose age I'd like to have a clearer indication of, by the way) and Noah come home from the game and find Mama at the stove, that doesn't turn into the high tension scene I thought it could be. I have the feeling that you're trying to get across some characterization there, or let readers know what's going on with this family, but you don't develop the scene enough. One second she's letting a pot billow steam, possibly boil over, and then she lets a tear fall. But then...it's over?

I think that little bit had a lot of potential to really show some drama in the family, and some emotion between Mama and her children. Try to explore the scene a bit more, and give it more than two tiny paragraphs. Describe Mama's expression as she stares into the smoke, and then show us what Noah thinks of the whole situation. Is he used to this? Has this ever turned truly dangerous, maybe with a fire? Just explore the situation some more instead of breezing straight through it.

Also, when did Granny appear, and where from? I felt as if she kind of just...was suddenly there. They were asking about her, and then she magically appears.

And lastly, this man at the door. I like the news he brings, but again, you rush through the encounter. Show how Noah and Granny react to his words, besides just glaring at him. Describe the man a bit, maybe, and let the readers into Noah's head for a bit to see what his arrival means to the family. Are they surprised? Have they been waiting for this to happen?

Basically, three words: expand, explore, and develop. You've got a good foundation and smooth writing style, but your pace is moving too quickly for us to appreciate the scenes we're only getting short glimpses of. Describe! Let us see emotions and reactions!

^_^ PM me for anything.

~Evi