The Silent Killer. CHAPTER ONE

“RUN!” I roared
“NOT WITHOUT YOU!” she roared back,

Then it hit me.


Beep Beep
Ugh, The alarm is annoying.
Beep Beep
I look at the clock 6:30 AM.
Why would it be anything, I wake up everyday to this.
I have other ideas today.
I pulled the plug out of the socket and went back to bed.

When I woke up in the morning, I checked my phone, six missed calls and three text messages.
Typical.
Naturally I expected them to be from my crazy in love ex. Everyday it’s ‘I still love you’ or ‘I miss you, I love you’ or maybe when she had a few beers inside her it would be ‘Meet me in the tub, Not pants necessary’ Yes, things like, It gets worse.

I didn’t get a single one from her today., Hmm, Maybe her phone was broke.
It was my boss. You’d better be in today or I will kill you!”
Hm, I could get in a cell for that.
Nah, what’s the point?
I’d get funny faces at work and my bloody annoying ex would text and say ‘Baby you’re a hero!’
But, I wouldn’t be, Must block her number.

Back to the point, another text read ‘DO YOU WANT TO BE FIRED?!!’
Well, Yes, to be honest, I hate my job, Come on, I am a assistant in a 24 hour shop.
Not the best thing ever.

Another text read ‘You have two hours.’
Huh, No death threats, Weird.
But It was sent a half hour ago.
I’m going to go to my boss and tell him to stuff it.

Yeah… Like that’s gonna happen.


Copyrighted (C)



Ok, this is all I have wrote now, But I'm thinking of putting The crazy ex pregnant and he will find out later.
He will get a promotion.... But later will find out its a stupid mistake x x

That sound ok? x x x

I don't know what to put on yet.... Any Ideas?

Or any cool quotes? x x x

Hello! I'm Kate. I see that your new, so your excused, but you are suppose to review at least two stories before you post your own.

This story has potential. It is pretty confusing, though. The beginning sentences don't really make sense. You need to explain what is going in further detail. What does the character look like? How old is he? What's his name? I'm not sure if you meant to do this or not, but since this isn't a poem, it shouldn't be structured as one. Use paragraphs. You had grammar errors, but they aren't that too big.

Advice: Read books in the same genre you want to write, but as you read, pay attention to how the author explains certain things. Like, settings and appearances.
Also, there are a lot of good writers on this site. Browse around! Reading will help you write better. Trust me. I wrote this in a rush so sorry if it doesn't make sense. PM me if you have any questions.

Keep writing!

-Kate

wonderingkate wrote:Hello! I'm Kate. I see that your new, so your excused, but you are suppose to review at least two stories before you post your own.

This story has potential. It is pretty confusing, though. The beginning sentences don't really make sense. You need to explain what is going in further detail. What does the character look like? How old is he? What's his name? I'm not sure if you meant to do this or not, but since this isn't a poem, it shouldn't be structured as one. Use paragraphs. You had grammar errors, but they aren't that too big.

Advice: Read books in the same genre you want to write, but as you read, pay attention to how the author explains certain things. Like, settings and appearances.
Also, there are a lot of good writers on this site. Browse around! Reading will help you write better. Trust me. I wrote this in a rush so sorry if it doesn't make sense. PM me if you have any questions.

Keep writing!

-Kate

Ooops. Sorry.

And I was thinking to describe the character later on... It's my style of writing.

okay, so I get what you're trying to do. You're trying to make the character a depressed dude, right? All of the simple "been there, hated that" one liners make that obvious. I got into the tome while reading that, so good work if that was your mission!

I would highly suggest against using the same word twice in dialogue tags (you know, that think tyou put after someone says something , like 'he said'). Get rid of the 'roared' from one of them, and replace it with somrthing else. Anything. Trust me, it just sounds weird.

“RUN!” I roared.

“NOT WITHOUT YOU!” she roared back;


Then it hit me.



Beep, Beep.

Ugh, the alarm is annoying.

Beep, Beep.

I look at the clock; 6:30 AM.

Why would it be anything else, I wake up everyday to this.

But I have other ideas today.

I pulled Past or present tense? you switch... the plug out of the socket and went back to bed.


When I woke up in the morning, I checked my phone - six missed calls and three text messages.

Okay, so you woke up... again. 'When I finally dragged myself out of bed' might do better, in my opinion.

Typical.

Naturally I expected them to be from my crazy in love ex. Everyday it’s ‘I still love you’ or ‘I miss you, I love you’ or maybe when she had a few beers inside her it would be ‘Meet me in the tub, Not pants necessary’ Yes; things like that, and it gets worse.

I didn’t get a single one from her today... Hmm, Maybe her phone was broke.

It was my boss. "You’d better be in today or I will kill you!”

Hmm, I could get him chucked in a cell for that.

Nah, what’s the point?

I’d get funny faces at work and my bloody annoying ex would text and say ‘Baby you’re a hero!’

But no, I wouldn’t be. Must block her number.


Back to the point, Another text read ‘DO YOU WANT TO BE FIRED?!!’

Well, Yes, to be honest. I hate my job. Come on, I am a assistant in a 24 hour shop.

Not the best thing ever.


Another text read ‘You have two hours.’

Huh, No death threats, Weird.

But It was sent a half hour ago.

I’m going to go to my boss and tell him to stuff it.


Yeah… Like that’s gonna happen.

Alright, that's over with the nitpicks. I would highly recomend that you read over your work, to check for grammar and spelling mistakes, be ause if someone has to do that to a very lengthly story, they might not bother and no one here would ever imporve! So read over and filter out the most of them, and then people will be happy to make the small stuff work for you.

I think this could work as a prologue, not a chapter. No offense, but it's quite short. You would do well with this as a prologue, because it intorduces the mood of the character, and it's only a small snippit, so you could start the first chapter when he's in the car, rushing to work and let the reader experience how his mood changes when he see's people, places, things.

My favourite part of things is describing, and I find it's quite easy for me, even if it needs to be worked on to make sense. I would be more then happy if you took a glance as one of my short stories I wrote recently (Don't worry, it's short) and looked at how I described the mood. You may notice that nothing much pannes, but it's just something that I was thinking ab out, and had to write down, so if I do end up expending it, then I will make something happen.

ANyways, that's only if you want to, and I'll provede the link soon! I think you might also benefit from reading other people's work in your same genre, and taking a skin over some of the writing resources that this site provides. You can get there by clicking 'writing resources' on the header, which is what I call that thig which has 'YWS' 'My YWS' 'Read/write' and the like...

Here's the link!
OH! and one nmore thing! You don;t have to pu a copywrite on this; YWS is for writers, adn nice ol' Nate has done that for you. Anything you write on this site is automatically yours!