Help me

Why can't I be perfect?
Why can't I love anyone?
Why do I never get what I want?

Did God make me imperfect?
Did God make me loveaphobic?
Did God make me impossible?

I want to run away
I want to cry
I want to live
I want to die

Is God really there?
Are you there, my Father in Heaven?
Do you really watch over me
Day and Night?

Am I imperfect in your eyes?
Did I do something wrong?
How can I leave this guilt behind?
Help me, Father in Heaven
Help me, God, Help me
Help me, my Lord

My my my! This is really nice poem. For second there, I actually thought you were asking for help.

Why can't I be perfect?
Why can't I love anyone?
Why do I never get what I want?

Did God make me imperfect?
Did God make me loveaphobic?
Did God
Did God make me impossible?

I want to run away
I want to cry
I want to live
I want to die

Is God really there?
Are you there, my Father in Heaven?
Do you really watch over me
Day and Night?

Okay, the first thing I can say is that the infinite amount of repetition is going on in this poem. Although, I know that repetition is done to emphasize the point, but the you have repeated the words 'Did god' and it, to me' feels a unnecessary to add 'Did god' to all four lines. It seems rather more apt to write 'Did god' in the first line and say the others without those.

And another things is,

Did God make me imperfect?
Did God make me loveaphobic?
Did God
Did God make me impossible?

When you didn't say anything in the 3rd line, was in intentionaly done or by mistake? Might be because I'm little less-experianced in poetry.

Last thing is that, there is no word called 'Lovephobic' although it seems the only right word that seems to fit in that line.

Well, that's all I can spot/see. Good luck.

I really like this, it has a real urgancy about it. I like the first part very much especially the first line.

Forestqueen808 wrote:Did God make me imperfect?
Did God make me loveaphobic?
Did God
Did God make me impossible?

I don't think this section needs the extra 'Did God' for some reason. Might be something to look at. Also I think to improve the whole thing you could try and make it flow more rhymically. Speak it slowly outloud and see what you could do to make it read better. In some parts (more in the last part) you need to arrange the words so the syllables sound more like a poem. I'm not really sure how to describe what I mean, so sorry if that doesn't make proper sense.

I think it captures a feeling very well, I know I've been there. Keep up the good work x

Hello. =D

I thought that the repetition in this was rather effective in some parts, and the rhetorical questions gave an almost mystery, confusion into the piece. But overall, these techniques were far overused. Each stanza really just says one thing, and it's bloated until it no longer works. A task for you: keep saying the word "writer" over and over again. Eventually, it won't mean anything - it'll just be sounds, and that's what's happening here.

I'd recommend one of two options for going about developing this. Firstly, you cut down on the repetitions and link the ideas together in some other fashion. Write down what you wanted to get across from every line that you've put in here, and think of different ways to express them. For instance:

I want to run away
I want to cry
I want to live
I want to die

That's all very generic, but the rhyme's there and it flows fairly well. We've all had moments like wanting to die, or run away - run away from what? - but we need to see some other side to it. Otherwise, it means very little to us. There's a story behind every word. Right now, you see, it's just those words, words that you're telling us and wanting us to empathise with - but we can't.

The second course of action I'd suggest would involve developing what comes after the repetitions and linking them together, perhaps through semantics and figurative language or simple with rhyming, or alliteration. Little techniques like these. I won't go too deep into them - it'd be better if you spent some timing thinking about it.

I find the religious aspect rather daunting. It feels like it should be the sole of the poem, but it's not. It's too tacked on and not properly explored. How can God help? What do you want to happen? We can't really relate to the character in narration simply because we're almost expected to understand what's going on in his/her head.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like some more thoughts on this, or have any questions. Sorry if I've been too vague, but I hope I've helped somewhat.

Best
Blinky

Hi! I only have time for a quick review. Here goes:

Overall, this was very good. However, you use an extra "Did god" in the first stanza, which is unnecessary.

You don't rhyme the poem except for in the middle paragraph. I actually liked it, but typically steer clear of that.

That's all for now!

Hi Forestqueen808,

This poem is bad, very bad. No matter if one is new to poetry or not, one should realize that "Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I love anyone?" is absolute garbage should be cause for shame because of the arrogance involved, not proudly put into a poem and showed to the world.

Most of this is self-absorbed and does not help the reader to relate, which should be one of the primary goals of poetry. Yes, literature is for the author, but unless you're planning to keep it in your personal journal forever, then tailor it so that other eyes will see and understand. This poem does not accomplish that. Talk about reasons for your sorrow, rather than just "God made me unlovable". Give examples. Make connections between this and other similar instances.

Help me, Father in Heaven
Help me, God, Help me
Help me, my Lord

This part especially makes no sense. Why did you repeat yourself? Are you trying to expand the number of lines you have so that it looks like a "real" poem? Only use one idea once, and that applies especially to the above quoted lines.

I am not even going to bother talking about imagery. Right now, you need to worry first and foremost about not boring the reader out of his mind and ridiculing your selfishness at the same time; the way to do this is through showing him what you mean and how you mean it.

Hope that helped,
Galerius