YelP-Need Help, What do you think?

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[Untitled]Experimenting in New York

“And frontal nudity, does it bother you?” the young man asked with careful annunciation.
“Well not really, I am a twenty four year old college student. I have seen plenty of nudity,” she replied with a playful prose.
“I understand that you have already indicated so in your written application. Also on record, I want to verify again today during our first interview that it is not in our interest to ask you to expose yourself in order to satisfy the thesis of our experiment.”
“Good to know, I was somewhat worried…”
As Charles, my friend and interviewer informed the young female applicant of our standards, I thought I noticed the slightest and most subtle twitch from his left eye. “Perhaps a wink?” I wondered. Although this gesture could prove to be minutely compromising, but mostly tickling, I saw no need to report the incident into my official note.
“It is also imperative to the experiment that we video record each and every session. Including this first discussion, we will hold all tapes in a secure file.
Will you please state for the camera whether or not video recording is alright with you?”
The young blonde spoke quickly, “Sure, no problem. It won’t exactly be a first time for me to be behind the camera.”
After she gave consent I noticed an unmistakable wink from the female’s violet shadowed left eye. Once Charles began questioning our young applicant named Katrina, I saw a change in Katrina’s deportment. If the twitch of Charles’ eye has been received as a ‘wink’, had the gesture of attraction flipped a switch in Katrina’s striatum(a). More specifically did the comprehension of this unspoken communication via wernickle(b) alter the young female’s state of mind and mannerisms? Would this gesture consequently manipulate the experiment’s true outcome? My mind began to wander off, “or did the wink simply trigger pheromones from Katrina’s amygdala(c) reflecting notions of a sexual yearning? Perhaps this could become a side experiment and reveal insight into the female inner conscious...”
“I’m sorry, I don’t believe I even know your name, Mr.?” Katrina’s timely words brought me back to the matter at hand. Now smiling, she began to move suggestively as she asked Charley's name.
“Unfortunately the outcome of the experiment could ultimately be jeopardized by formalities of a platonic relationships.” I could see Charley fighting to hold back a grin as he continued to say, “However, I suppose referring to me as ‘Doctor’ wont hurt.”
Charley is as dedicated to this project as I am. Our friendship has endured six previous jobs we struggled through together. We sought profits everywhere from lawn maintenance, to the restraint industry, as well as numerous failed ventures we concocted for financial gain. The two of us share the same hard work ethics and understand that this endeavor is the ‘crème de la crème’ of all our projects.
“Katrina will you now look into the camera. Right there,” Charley instructed, pointing to the dimly blinking red light just below the one-way mirror that I stood behind without intrusion. I watched as the two young college students sat casually conducting the interview.
My presence was surely known by both parties. Although my identity only known to one. Charley continued, “and recite why you believe we should choose you for this experiment,”
“Well.” Katrina began to clear her throat and regain her professional composure she started the interview with. “I know that my English and journalism major here at the University of New York, as well as the extensive research with communication modules...”
In my official report I noted: ‘English Major’, ‘Efficient ability at presenting writing and oral reports on Feelings’, with feelings underlined twice.
“Pertaining mostly to the process of creating new theories that influence the current standards of communication…” she continued. “…during the five years I have studied here at the prestigious NYU. ‘I have excelled intellectually with world area studies,’ in the words of Dean Lapiner. My academic goals are engraved in my mind and have not faltered because of outside influences.”
As observer, it is my responsibility to interpret, oversee, and jot notes that I deem relative to the experiment. Being a dutiful stenographer, I found it relative to describe Katrina’s physical appearance. I believe such details will prove to be applicable when comparing future applicants. My notes read:
Subject. Test: (01.01) Katrina Osterman. Height: 5’9 Weight: (Shit, I forgot to ask) Maybe: 145lbs. Young female twenty-four years old with blonde hair and green eyes. She wears small black-rimmed glasses with rectangular lenses. Her vernacular and physique gives me the impression of a high maintenance ex-competitive cheerleader. She is sporting a classy white button-up blouse with the sleeves rolled up right before the bend in her elbow. Her nice black skirt walks the line of being ‘mini’ and ‘modest’, not completely hiding her lean thighs. Her calves are ‘ stunning’.
Even out of conditioning they were monstrous. My mind began to drift once again. My note taking had completely seized. I guessed her belly to have once been V-shaped and sculpted. Evidently the five years here at New York U. and being recognized by the dean hadn’t prevented studious Katrina from indulging on a little booze.
She sits with excellent posture. The kind of posture only taught at boarding schools for etiquette.
My very astute eyes were also drawn to her busty breasts. Perhaps even more stunning than her tone calves, Katrina’s bosoms wee remarkable. She had the ability to steal my attention away from the world outside my mind.
Charley’s voice finally broke my stare and brought my attention back in time to hear his closing words. “Thank you very much Mrs.…” Charley gazed down at his notes pretending to have forgotten the busty blonde’s name. “Katrina O. Right! Your participation has been delightful. From here my partner and I…”
Charles likes to give the impression of inferiority. He spoke as if our roles in the experiment are equal. It is true Charley has been my partner every step of the way. However, my dear friend Charley is my subordinate in this project. The experiment we are conducting is my brainchild.
“…we’ll discuss your application further. If we collectively agree that your participation would be a right fit for our experiment, we will be in touch.”
“Don’t blink. Don’t Blink. Don’t Blink!” I started murmuring to myself in hope that Charles wouldn't spoil the professionalized interview.
Charles and I both know she would be a perfect candidate for the experiment to come, after all Katrina O. was our only applicant thus far. However, I wanted to maintain a somewhat professional and mysterious face to the process.
Although, I believe that Katrina knew she had landed the volunteer gig. She had performed the interview swimmingly and chosen a scandalous business attire that was yet tastefully brought to life with the black-rimmed glasses, athletic calves, and her wonderfully busty breasts.
“Thank you again Katrina. It has been a pleasure,” Charley stood up and reached out his hand in a warm and appropriate manner.
As she accepted and smiled, he asked. “Do you have any questions for me before you leave?” She reached down for her black leather portfolio that laid atop the table they had just sat at and started to say, “well just one, could you enlighten me of the exact thesis of the experiment?”
“No, I can not. At this time it is of the utmost importance that we don’t disclose the objective in order to gather accurate results,” Charley replied.
“Right, of course,” she once again said jovially. She smiled and turned on spot, walked toward the door without a further word and left.

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(A:inner brain)(B:section of cerebral cortex that interprets communication)(C:Section of Brain related to emotional storage)
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Well this is a story i am writing. I am very excited about it. Any criticism at all would be greatly appreciated. I want to really nit pick, I think I have a problem with my tenses. Overall, I have tried cutting down on unneeded sentences, I just don't have the heart. I like it all, so help me out with the flow please and Thank you!
Last edited by teo on Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:49 am, edited 4 times in total.
M a t e o




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Hi Teo!

As I read this, I felt myself desperate to read more. I loved it. *Thumbs up for making really want to continue reading* I like the intro, the way it subtly talks about the experiment, and leaving us guessing as to what it is. :D
I think your explanation of scientific terms between the story is distarcting. I would suggest you to put up these things before or after the story (Although it is more painful to the reader this way, the text doesn't look right if explanations are present. (It's my personal taste. That's all.)

Katrina’s timely words brought me back to the matter at hand. Now smiling, she began to move slightly suggestively and asked Charles, “I’m sorry, I don’t believe I even know your name, Mr.?”

I think here, you need to put her Katrina's words first before ssaying "..words brought me back to the matter at hand."

I watched as the two attractive young college students sat casually conducting the interview.

Does this mean, he finds Charles attractive too?
[/quote]

I found it relative to describe Katrina’s physical appearance. Which will prove to be applicable when comparing future applicants. My notes read:[/quote]
I don't think 'which' should start as new sentence. Or if I'm wrong, forget this.

“Don’t blink. Don’t Blink. Don’t Blink!” I started murmuring to myself.

I don't get the point of this sentence.

--------------***--------------
So, on on the whole, very interesting read. Do continue this story. And on tenses, keep working on them. (It works, as mine used to be terrible.) Good Work!:)
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Thank you so much for this review! I couldn't agree more on your critiques :)
lavabubblingout wrote:Hi Teo!


I think your explanation of scientific terms between the story is distarcting. I would suggest you to put up these things before or after the story (Although it is more painful to the reader this way, the text doesn't look right if explanations are present. (It's my personal taste. That's all.)

I agree, I wanted to give the idea that the narrator over analyzed etiology. I think a sub-text in my writing will do very well at portraying this idea. In fact I really like the idea of a sub-text. Thank you :)

Katrina’s timely words brought me back to the matter at hand. Now smiling, she began to move slightly suggestively and asked Charles, “I’m sorry, I don’t believe I even know your name, Mr.?”

I think here, you need to put her Katrina's words first before ssaying "..words brought me back to the matter at hand."

Done, It helps with the flow, Gracias.
I watched as the two attractive young college students sat casually conducting the interview.

Does this mean, he finds Charles attractive too?

Hahah- More so katrina :wink:

“Don’t blink. Don’t Blink. Don’t Blink!” I started murmuring to myself.

I don't get the point of this sentence.

I edit it a little, maybe it helps to clarify my idea?

--------------***--------------
So, on on the whole, very interesting read. Do continue this story. And on tenses, keep working on them. (It works, as mine used to be terrible.) Good Work!:)
~Lava


Thank you again Lava. I am glad you enjoyed it. I have been working on the second part for awhile. I'm spicing it up with a little more drama. It promises to be very attention getting.
M a t e o



Don't be sad bc sad backwards is das and das not good
— LadyMysterio