Nighttide Chapter 5: The Lost

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I'm almost ashamed to call this a chapter. It's extremely short considering my so called promise in the last chapter I submitted. I will, make the chapters longer I swear. I just was having some writers block and decided it would be best to end it then force it to continue. New chapters inspire me. I kind of despise this chapter in a sense. I feel it's badly written. I assume to get brutal reviews. Later I might connect this to Chapter 5, of trash it all together...we'll see. Opinions on this would be nice.


Chapter 4
The Lost

She wrote on the back of the note her mother left. Her thoughts were scattered; if she didn’t write them down she feared she would forget. The paper was small, so there wasn’t much room to write. Placing the note back in her pocket, she decided she needed to try to learn to use these powers of hers.

“Okay, last time I just put my hands forward and…” Nothing happened. She stood still with her hands out in front of her. “Come on, do something!” She was talking to herself, which wasn’t a good sign. Anya kept trying, putting her hands to the side then quickly throwing them forward. “Maybe they are emotion based or something. I was pretty terrified when I saw him coming…Great, now I am talking to myself.” She tried once more.

A boom shot through the air, right past Anya’s ear. She paused. “What was that?” She knew it wasn’t her. Looking around she could see no one, just desert and pavement and the tiny blur of the city in the distance. Paranoid she continued to walk toward the city. “I am not trying that again.”

“Ouch.” Anya sat down on the road, taking off her black and white converse. She turned her shoes upside down and jingled them around a bit. A rock fell out, and hit the ground. “Stupid rock, how did you get in there?” Her patience was growing thin. Even something as slight as a rock was annoying her. She continued to walk staring at the city in front of her which was growing bigger with each step. Memories of her past flooded her mind.


“Don’t be pouty Anya. You’re going to love this place.”

“Yea somehow I doubt that.” Anya gave her mother a glare from the passenger side, crossing her arms.

“I’m sorry, I know you didn’t want to move here but we had too.”

“Right, you just keep saying we “had” too but I’ve yet to hear even the slightest reason.”

“I really am sorry you know. It’s for your own good. Maybe you’ll understand when you’re older.”

“I’m almost fifteen Mom I think I am old enough.” Her mother smiled at her.

“Honey, you have no clue what the future has in store for you. You’re going to do amazing things.”

She almost understood why she said that now. It would only make sense to assume her mother knew about her powers. The note is definitely proof of that. Taking it out of her pocket, she read it again. Her mother was always telling her how special she was. How one day everything in the world would make sense again. Again. That was the key word. Her life was normal other then the exclusion of her farther. She didn’t know anything about him, and now she didn’t really care too. Her mother always told her he had run off when she was born, something about not being able to handle it. Her life before she was moved from the town she grew up in, and into a tiny suburb of a busy city; there her life was never normal.

“Andrew! Give me back my pencil.”

“Don’t be such a pushover. Take it from me. Don’t ask.”

“Seriously, I need to take notes in my next class.”

“Anya, you need to learn to be a little tougher. You’re not going to be able to sail through life on a paper airplane.”

“I know, and I wish you would stop telling me that because it’s getting annoying.”

“Be tougher Anya. Take the pencil back or you’re not getting it back.” Andrew taunted her with it.

“Give it back!” She swiped the pencil from his hands and pushed him to the ground. “Oh no Andrew I’m sorry!”

“Don’t be, you just stood up for yourself.” He smiled.

“…Thanks.”

“Now, you better get to class. Miss Holly won’t be happy if her only fifth grade student is late.”

Anya collapsed face first into the pavement. “I can’t do it. I can’t go any further. The heat is just too much.” She was giving up. Her body was exhausted and her feet were blistered. The sun beamed down on her back. The smell of hot concrete filled her nostrils. “I wonder what Andrew is doing right now. Probably wondering why I’m not answering my cell.” She laughed, which was interrupted by a violent cough.

“No silly. I’m right here.” Her head shot forward.

“Andrew!” She looked around, but didn’t see anything. Suddenly gallons of water were poured over top of her, soaking her clothes. Shocked, she stood up and paused for a second. “What the…hell.” Anya looked up, nothing was there. It’s not that she wasn’t happy about it, but the fact it came out of nowhere bothered her.
It was surreal. She had the same feeling as before, when she shot the lighting. This time it wasn’t fear but of excitement. Andrew, her best and only friend in the world spoke to her. Hallucination maybe, still it saved her life. Checking her body she was no longer tired and her feet felt great, regeneration again? She almost smiled at the thought of this. Water, Lighting, Regeneration. Powers she had only read about or seen in movies. Her emotions were in fact the source of her power.

Her clothes were drenched, and her skin chilled. “Awesome.” She thought sarcastically.
“Least it’s hot out here.” She pulled her jacket around her more, finally using her common sense to zip it all the way to the top. The city was clearly in front of her. A billboard in front of her read

Welcome to Oxford, Arizona. “Home sweet home.”

Chapter 5
The United States Crisis
Last edited by Derek on Mon Feb 08, 2010 3:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hiya, Doe! I'm back again with some thoughts!

First, I must say I have figured out why we lack description in the other chapters: You rush them! You said so yourself you had trouble with this chapter, but I think you did a much better job here with the description/explanations than you did in the other three. You should be bored more often!

So anyway. Back to this chapter. I suggest putting the flashbacks in italics so that it's easier for the reader to notice, "Oh, hey, we're in a flashback!" Just a thought.

At one point, Anya suddenly was sitting and then suddenly standing--I think that part could be better described. It was giving my mind a work out trying to follow Anya and where she was! (And not just at that part of the chapter.) Give a reason as to why she decided to sit, even if it's just seeing Anya sigh and collapse to the ground before taking her shoe off.

Now, I think one way to lengthen this chapter is to dwell more on her trying to use her powers again. You had some great dialogue with her. We were getting to understand her character much more. This is your chance to clear any possible questions the reader may have of her. You did some of that, and you can definitely do more. She'll be thinking about a lot during her journey. Have her create hypotheses as to what is happening in her life, give more hints about her mother, etc. She'll have a lot to think about, so don't be afraid to make this chapter all about her thoughts.

I liked how you ended the chapter with seeing the road sign. But on that subject, I'm going to hvae to admit something to you: Because of the lack of description so far, I still hvae trouble picturing all this in modern society. I keep forgetting that there are cars and road signs and such. I don't think I'm the only one either. Hopefully that's motivation enough for you to get some description in! Like I said though, this chapter was much better at that. Still could be improved, but much better.

You also need a grammar check again. I think Ranger Hawk comes around with an excellent review, so they might touch on that for you; but definitely go through and edit the grammar after you've fixed everything else.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
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