Chapter One
This was it. This was the moment I had been dreading for so long. It had finally arrived, and I wasn’t ready. How exactly would one prepare for this moment? There really was no way to prepare for this moment. I felt the pain coming, though. It was creeping into my mind and would soon dominate my whole body. I closed my eyes, trying to prevent the oncoming tears. I knew it wouldn’t help, but I had to do everything I could from making this harder than it had to be. I waited; it was almost unbearable to wait. This moment would make a big imprint in my life, would change my look on everything. I was almost anxious to have it done and over with.
I listened to the rhythmic beep that was beginning to lose its pattern. I counted each beep, treasuring every one of them. My breathing accelerated when they missed a beat, and slowed a little when they picked back up. The minutes ticked by, and with them went the beeps. The time in between each began to lengthen, and after a few more minutes, turned into one long note.
I slowly opened my eyes to look at the monitor. The monitor that now had a green line across it. Nothing else, just a line. I listened to the high-pitched sound it made. I couldn’t do anything else. The thought of losing him was incomprehensible. He couldn’t be gone. Jason couldn’t have died.
He had promised. He had promised when he was first diagnosed with cancer he would pull through it. He would survive, and he would always be here. He wouldn’t leave me. That was his exact words. It was a promise he shouldn’t have made. A promise he couldn’t keep. It was a promise now broken. He was gone.
I stared at his face. It was ashen and emotionless. His mouth was a straight line that creased his face. His forehead was smooth; no more lines from the pain that caused him to scrunch up his face. His eyes were closed, the eyelids covering his beautiful green eyes. I remembered them so well. The way they would flash when he was angry, the way they would crinkle around the edges when he smiled. I remembered how they would soften when I would kiss him, when I would make him laugh.
I stroked his light brown hair. It was so soft under my fingers. I flattened it against the pillow, wishing that he would smile the way he did when I would do this when he was still alive.
I moved my fingertips to his cheek. I traced along it very gently. I could feel the tears coming now; they were stinging behind my eyes. It was finally sinking in. He was gone, and he wasn’t coming back.
The tears began to leak down my cheeks. I let them run freely; I didn’t try to wipe them away. I leaned over a little and the tears fell onto the blanket that covered him. This made me cry harder, and I let the sobs break free.
I allowed the sobs to rock through me for a while. I don’t know how long, exactly. But, finally, after a long time, I got a good enough hold on myself to get a doctor down to Jason’s room to take care of him.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” the doctor said when he came through the door. I didn’t look at him, just nodded. He came to my side and looked down at Jason. I could feel the tears coming back. Without another word, I left the room.
I walked down the white hallway of the hospital. The only sound was the thud of my shoes on the floor. The fluorescent lights glared down and lit the whole hall. It smelled like any other hospital. So sterile, so clean. I loathed the aroma. It was the first thing I noticed when I first came to the hospital with Jason. It reminded me of every trip we made here. Most of these trips brought us bad news. They led us to this day. I felt like I had a right to hate them.
I walked through the hallway in a trance. I was now searching for someone. I walked through the twisting hallways, finally reaching my destination: the waiting room. I scanned the seats until I found my sister. She was sitting in the farthest corner, reading a magazine. I shuffled silently over to her, casting my shadow across her magazine. When her light disappeared she looked up at me.
I must have looked as horrible as I felt. My eyes were probably red and puffy, and my hair must have been all over the place. I had been spending the last few weeks in this hospital, after all.
She stood up and stared into my face. I could feel it change. It was morphing into my crying face. I knew because I heard a sob break through my lips. Without saying a word, Kylie wrapped her arms around me ans squeezed. I sobbed into her shoulder.
