BlackRise (Updated!)

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I awoke, panting; Another nightmare to add to the list- every day it just gets worse and worse. This has been going on every since I met him, Andrew; I looked around the room nothing but pure darkness. I sighed noticing there was no moon out tonight. I reluctantly pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep only to wake up to another nightmare.
...
I locked the door behind me as I headed off to school. I placed my keys securely in my front pocket. I already missed the bus, my father was off at work, my brother had a hangover, and my mother she had died when I was little due to a physiological disorder or in other words committed suicide. I have to walk four miles to school.
"This is ridiculous."
I took out my phone from my tight pocket.
"It's 6:50, great." I said aloud. I didn't bother rushing; I knew I was going to be late anyways. A few minutes passed. I was finally out of the noisy plaza and into the calming neighbourhoods. I still had a long way to go. I don't mind. I walked in the silence of the early morning. My curly hair danced in the breeze. The smell of sweet flowers filled my nostrils. I walked into a section of gorgeous Oak tree's lining the brick wall of the high standard neighbourhood I had now entered. All of a sudden I got an urgency to glance up and I did. In the distance I could see something dangling from one of the far Oak trees. My pace quickened.
It was large. As I got closer I could make out long blond hair, short arms and legs.
"It's a body of a child." I whispered in utter horror.
I ran towards it. The girl looked around eight years old. Covered in bruises and cuts the little girl hung lifeless from the tree, swung over a thick branch. I was afraid to touch her but I had to make sure she was dead. I raised my hand to her chest. I held my breath. No pulse. I grabbed my phone and dialled 911. All of a sudden a hand was upon me, squeezing my neck with no mercy. My phone dropped.
I could hear the 911 operator on the other line. I tried to speak but couldn't catch my breath.
It was the girl, she had jumped down from the tree. Her small hands were wrapped around my neck. I tried to push her, hit her; anything but I was too shocked to even move my body. Her eyes were hardly visible. Only hollow black holes. I stared into them in interest. Her white face so small, so innocent?
"Ha. He hasn't told you yet? That's great! I might be dying but at least I can have one last try." She said her voice so innocent but her words so disturbing.
"I can't believe you guys are that close and he keeps his secret from you." She laughed.
"St...op." I managed to say through harsh breath's. She giggled as if she were playing with a toy.
"I can't say his name but let's just say he's the guy your in love with."
She smiled.
I couldn't breathe. All of a sudden her grip loosened and loosened.
"No, no! Not yet!! I'm almost done!" She yelled.
I watched as her body started to dissolve as if being swallowed up by fire, slowly crumbling down, her body being dragged by the breeze.
"I'm not the only one of my kind you'll encounter!" She roared as her mouth slowly crumbled away. I watched the rest of her body vanish. All that was left was a pile of ashes. I stumbled onto the floor, gasping for air. I felt dizzy and weak. I couldn't get up. Everything was spinning around me. As if things couldn't get any worse I began to sob.
"That poor little girl."
I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.
...
When I woke. I was lying on the floor besides a pile of ashes. I guess I really didn't dream what happened. I grabbed my phone and quickly scanned through my call log. The last call I made was yesterday. That can't be I called 911 today, I heard the operator. I know that happened. I still have the red hand marks around my neck and ashes to prove it. I must be going crazy? I gathered up my thoughts as I opened my book bag.
"I'm not going crazy. I can't be." I shook my head in fear.
I pulled out my lunch, just a small sandwich and threw it over the brick wall, keeping only the plastic bag. I used my hands to get all of the ashes into the bag. They were hot so it took me longer than expected. I stuffed it into my book bag. Then without warning I burst into tears.
"What's wrong with me?" I yelled.
I buried my face in my hands. For the next few minutes that's all I could do, cry. I finally got the courage to stand up.
"I have to be strong, I have to believe in my self."
I listened as the tardy bell rang for second period. I have to find who "he" is. Once I find him I'll know I'm not alone in this situation and I already have an idea on who it is. I hurried across the street into school. Let's just hope my acting skills are as good as my lying skills.
"Be the change you want to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi


"Happiness is like a butterfly the more you chase it the more it will elude you but if you turn your attention to other things it will come and sit softly on you shoulder." Thoredu




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Peculiar. If I might criticize well this is a review.
I just want to know how old she is. I need more scenery, like when she walks out of the plaza, explain why she's walking out of the plaza and also a bit more details on her surroundings. Just a review. I want to know whos "he". So please keep writing!
I follow four rules when writing
1. Don't think. Just write.
2.Never take the pencil from the page when writing
3.Don't erase. Even if what you wrote didn't make sense
4.No need for grammar,punctuation, or spelling when writing

And when your done writing you stop and break all the rules




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I looked around the room nothing but pure darkness.


This sentence needs a comma, or something...


and my mother she had died when I was little due to a physiological disorder or in other words committed suicide.


After mother there needs to be a comma. And just say committed suicide or something, don't say, "in other words," blah, blah. :)


A few minutes passed and I was finally out of the noisy plaza and into the calming neighbourhoods neighborhoods.



I still had a long way to go. I don't mind.


"I don't mind," is something you would say in the present. It should be, "didn't." You should combine these two sentences like this,

I still had a long way to go but I didn't mind.



I walked in the silence of the early morning. My curly hair danced in the breeze.


I like the description but it'd be better like this,

I walked in the silence of the early morning with my curly hair dancing in the cool breeze.



Oak tree's

No one owns these Oak Trees, they are just there - an ending with, "'s" shows that someone owns it. Also, the T in tree should be capitalized.


All of a sudden I got an urgency to glance up and I did.


Reword this, it's like saying.. I was hungry so I ate, or I was bored so I got unbored, or saying I wanted to read so I read. Haha, catch my drift?


It was large. As I got closer I could make out long blond hair, short arms and legs.


It would be better like,

It was large and as I got closer I could make out her long, blond hair with short arms and legs.



I grabbed my phone and dialled dialed 911.



My phone dropped.


Where did it drop from? Who was holding it?


"I can't say his name but let's just say he's the guy your in love with."


Okay, like - this sentence isn't needed. Read it over, it seems out of place. How would this girl know he's in love with the guy? That totally gives it away. Why couldn't she say his name? I would just totally leave this part out.


I was lying on the floor besides a pile of ashes.


This sounds like you were at somebody's house or such. You should replace floor with ground, I think it goes much better. :)


I still have had the red hand marks around my neck and ashes to prove it.



Nice story, nicely edited. Still needs more revision and tweaking and such but this is still the rough draft so no worries. You've improved the problem with short sentences a bit but I still see a lot of short and choppy sentences. Keep on editing and revising, you might ask a teacher at school for help with that and I'm sure she can go much more in-depth with it. :)

Logan. PM me when you update it again!
"People are afraid to die, but are also afraid to live."

[•_•]
robot fayce



grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
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