Instilled Lament

I am feeling dark.

Thoughts of death come to mind.

Malice, hatred, and joy are intertwined.

The light vanishes; Not a flicker remain.

=

The joys of life turn bleak.

Everything reduced to nothing.

Ashes ashes, dust to dust.

Even iron turns to rust.

=

So much black, not a hint of white.

Blind or not, there is no difference.

Despair is found, radiance is lost.

So much darkness, no sign of life.

=

Death has begun, life has ceased.

Eternal fall, deep abyss.

Wails of emptiness fill the air.

Not one escape.

=

“God has forgotten me”



===========================
I tried having a center format to no avail. Teach me how?
I also marked this as 12+ because of it's dark content.

Critique me?

Very interesting. Its nice to see different ways of expressing creativity. Good piece!
Though I don't see the point in rating it 12.

Hey Anima! How are you?
I don't believe we've met before, but allow me to review your poem

anima9 wrote:I am feeling dark. 'Dark' Dosen't seem like it would be the proper adjective for this sentence. Here is the entry for dark from my dictionary:

Dictionary wrote:1.Having an absolute or (more often) relative lack of light.
The room was too dark for reading.
2.(of colour) Dull or deeper in hue; not bright or light.
My sister's hair is darker than mine.
Her skin grew dark with a suntan.
3.Hidden, secret
"Meantime we shall express our darker purpose" (Shakespeare, King Lear, i 1).
4.Without moral or spiritual light; sinister, malign.
5.Conducive to hopelessness; depressing or bleak
The Great Depression was a dark time.6.Lacking progress in science or the arts; said of a time period
7.With emphasis placed on the unpleasant aspects of life; said of a work of fiction, a work of nonfiction presented in narrative form or a portion of either
The ending of this book is rather dark.

As for defention 5, I suppose you can say that dark does mean hopeless. To me, it just dosent flow well. An adjective like "lost," or "in despair would be much better.

Thoughts of death come to mind. I understand what you're trying to say, but I'm nitpicking here. I'm pretty sure that your MC is thinking of suicide, but other readers might not. Try to be a little more specific.

Malice, hatred, and joy are intertwined. Intertwined in what?

The light vanishes; not a flicker remains.
=

The joys of life turn bleak.

Everything is reduced to nothing.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Even iron turns to rust.
^
Dosen't Iron do that already? I mean, its part of the natural cycle that iron has to go through. It's not neciscarlly special or worth inclusion in this poem unless the iron is is rusting prematurely.
=

So much black, not a hint of white.
^
I like this Metaphor.

Despair is found, radiance is lost.

So much darkness, no sign of life.

=

Death has begun, life has ceased.
^
Again, a tad redundant.

Eternal fall, deep abyss.

Wails of emptiness fill the air.

Not one escape.

=

“God has forgotten me”

An Evalution
Overall, I thorougly enjoyed this poem. You have a great message, and you go about putting it in your poem rather well. However, there are times when you don't explain enough, and the rest of your problems mostly like in grammar. There are a lot of sentence fragments. Other then that, great job! PM me if you have any questions.

I also had the same idea about the iron thing! haha I didn't change it though.

I guess I just wanted to say that everything ends, that even something that is known to be strong, like iron, will eventually turn to nothing, as it also grows old and dies (rusting).

For the "dark", I think it's because I'm rewatching Angel (the vampire with a soul) and I thought using the word dark would be a nice start since "feeling dark" is rarely used nowadays. I mean, how does one feel darkness if darkness was only meant to be unseen? and FYI I also planned on changing the "I am feeling dark" for so long but I just don't know what to replace it with. I also find it weird to read. I once almost considered "I feel dark" but it sounded too simple for my taste.

the intertwined thing: intertwined = twined or twisted together. I wanted to express that Malice, hatred, and joy are all mixed up that the MC can no longer differentiate them. It's like mistaking hatred for happiness. A good example would be those that plant grudges day and night and they laugh at the demise of their rival.


thank you for critiquing me

Generally, this piece is great write
with a superficial display of wit in every line
but let me suggest some minor changes.

Keep writing more poetry
i know you have the guts and passion for this..

Ingat,
melvin


I am feeling dark.

" I am feeling lonely"

Thoughts of death come to mind. "

" thoughts of death comes to mind"

Malice, hatred, and joy are intertwined.

" Malice, hatred and joy entwined"

The light vanishes; Not a flicker remain.

" light vanishes; not a flicker remains


=The joys of life turn bleak.
" the joy of life turns bleak" (the Joys of life considered as a mass noun)

Everything reduced to nothing.
"Everything turned nothing"

Ashes ashes, dust to dust.

"Ashes to ashes, dusts to dusts"

Even iron turns to rust.

"even iron untimely rust"

=So much black, not a hint of white.

Blind or not, there is no difference.

Despair is found, radiance is lost.

So much darkness, no sign of life.


=Death has begun, life has ceased.

Eternal fall, deep abyss.

Wails of emptiness fill the air.

" wails of emptiness fills the air

Not one escape.

" not one escapes"


thnks brother....

yeah thanks. but if i did what you have suggested, i'd be wrong in tenses and plurality.

thanks. you have nice ideas though you pretty much changed the whole context of it.

correcting someone is not equal to making the work your own, it's merely suggesting. thus no correction/actual review was made

nice try though