Finally, the girl had put an end to it.
Is she really a girl? That seems to suggest someone young, whereas this is a woman. Perhaps you could just say "she had put an end to it."
He had been verbally hurting the children - long nights without a father to tuck them in, no father to protect them, no father to care for them.
I think that if you want to emphasise something it's probably best to put it in italics rather than bold.
"He's gone forever, now.." She muttered
I don't know whether you meant for that to be an ellipse (...) or a full stop. But yeah, two periods don't mean anything.
She still had the same expression on her face, she walked up to his empty, dead body and kissed it.
The first comma should be a semi-colon.
walking back up to the first floor, and. locking the basement door on her way out.
I don't think that you meant the period to be there?
"Are you ready for our date, Margaret?" The soothing voice asked.
Soothing doesn't seem like the right way to describe it. It's not the kind of way you'd expect a date's voice to be described.
"Yes, I'm on my way. My kids are at a friends. I'll see you soon, honey!"
Should be "friend's"
"Maybe this will be the right one," she asked after she had hung up.
Seeing as no-one else is there it would probably be better if you said "she asked herself" or "she remarked to herself".
Margaret walked out the door with a wonderful smile - a bit creepy though.
Maybe you should show here instead of telling. Just saying "a bit creepy though" takes away from the flow of your story and leaves your reader filling in the gaps.
Exiting the car, she walked up to the door and knocked a couple of times and than entered.
Should be "then entered"
"H-hi.." She said nervously.
Again the whole double period thing.
Emily was very afraid of Margaret, already. Somehow she sensed something wrong with her, her hostility maybe?
Instead of telling us this you could perhaps show it through body language and how Emily and Margaret react together.
"I'm nine." She answered, a bit arrogant.
This is contradicting yourself a bit. You've said that she's shy, even scared, of Margaret. And no she's suddenly being arrogant?
"Did I just call her honey?" She thought to herself.. "Well, might as well play nice girlfriend role." She said to herself.
Perhaps her inner comments should be shown in italics rather than speech marks.
"Yes." Emily answered, lying.
Again, why not show us this instead of telling? Perhaps she twists her lips, or holds Margaret's gaze for slightly too long.
Overall:
This was a good piece that definitely made me want to know what was going to happen next. I think that your plot is pretty strong but you need to work on developing your characters and their actions more. Don't be afraid to go into detail - early on in the story we need more description on your characters so that we can understand them better later in the story. In addition, you might want to work on showing instead of telling. But yeah, it was a very well put together story so far! I think it's in the same competition as mine so it does make me nervous!
Good luck and well done. I hoped that I've helped.
~Amy
