Nighttide Chapter 4: Mindless Angels

Something I didn't notice! I did not separate the PoV switches properly lol. I don't quite know how when I think about! Extra spacing between the paragraph?

Chapter 3
Mindless Angels

“My name? Admirable of you to want to know the name of you killer. It's Zeva.” She spoke with authority. “Even though you may not know it your life will benefit a very worthy cause.” Smiling, she pulled back her long white coat revealing a sword.

“No please! I have a wife and kids and they need me if you kill me they will-

“Shut your mouth. I tire of you pathetic excuses of pity.” His head hit the floor, his
body following shortly after. Blood stained her pure white coat from the waist down.

“Now look what you’ve done.” She held her hand over her coat, and water began to form. Slowly she rubbed the water against the blood, removing it instantly. “Much better.”
She bent over his body, turning it over to reveal a necklace clasped in his hands. Stepping on his wrist so he would release it she picked it up and put it in her coat pocket. “The Valde thank you for your contribution to the world, you have helped us greatly.” She said pulling her fingers threw her short black hair.

“Zeva, return to the source and deliver the necklace then return here. Asoar is back and not as expected.”

“Yes sir.” Zeva turned around, melting into a nearby pool of water.


_________________________________________________________________________________________

“The Valde, a name unknown to those who do not seek its faith, a power in which lies in secret behind the curtains of a world filled with evil. A group dedicated to eradicating said evil that spills over this beautiful planet we call Earth. We are collectors of artifacts bearing powers that normal humans may find freighting, or possibly exciting. A single goal that lets us believe that one day the world will be harmonized under a single banner which we control.

To rid the world of evil, to shine light into the hearts of the dark who seek to destroy it. We are the liberators, the masters of The Source. Powers within us that have been granted, gifts to help us in our task. Some would call us gods; others would call us angels, a fitting word in both circumstances. Now, who here would like a chance to join us in this fight?”

The people shunned the idea, spitting at the feet of the man standing on the stage. Whispering things like “This guy is a nut case.” “Someone belongs in an asylum.” “Gods? Angels? More like demons, or devils.”

“Fine, walk away from this opportunity. You will never again have the chance. We are closer to our goal them we have even been. Soon you will see that we are the ones who will rule this world. Save it. When that time does come you shall join the countless people who have died to make it possible thus far.” He looked out over the crowd of people that was quickly dispersing. One lone person stood in the center of them, looking down at their feet.

“I will join you. My gift will certainly help you with your goal.” The last person said holding out their hand to show their palm. “This is what I can do.” A small hole gathered above his hand, swirling around and around, dark as night. The man on the stage smiled.

“Congratulations and welcome to The Valde. Your first task is to eliminate the non believers. Can you do that?”

“Of course, master.” He turned around to face them, smiling.


_________________________________________________________________________________________

“Get off me! Let go!”

“Calm down Drake, you’re going to be fine. Just cooperate and they’ll let you go.”

“I won’t, I can’t! Let go Jiro!”

“I’m trying to be rational here. We could just feed you to The Source and end this if we wanted. So shut up and listen!” He released Drake’s arm and threw him to the ground. Drake put his hands up as if he expected something to happen next.

“What’s going on?”

“That won’t work here Drake. You should know what’s in this room.” A voice he knew all too well stepped in threw the passageway leading into the completely white room.

“Seyed…”

“So now you remember? And here we had thought you’d forgotten your mission.” His voice
was deep, but had a softness too it, as if he really didn’t mean any harm to him. “I’m glad Asoar found you though. We were beginning to worry. What do you have to report?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He scowled, looking irate.

“Come now Drake, I know what you’re thinking. I really don’t care. Don’t be selfish. This isn’t just about you. The world is dying, and you are one of the saviors.” He put his hand out, offering it to Drake. He stared at it for a few moments. “Please Drake.” He grabbed his hand, and Seyed pulling him to his feet. “You won’t regret this Drake. I promise. Now, tell me what you know.” He put his arm around Drake, and led him out of the room.


_________________________________________________________________________________________


Just as Jiro was about to leave the room, Zeva entered.

“Hold on Jiro.” He turned around to face her.

“What is it? Seyed has requested you go see Asoar.”

“I know, he asked me to deliver the necklace to The Source first. Listen, we both know how this is going to end. Have you talked to Thane?” She stared at his bright yellow eyes without emotion.

“Not here Zeva.” Jiro said putting his hood over his head and exited the room.

“Fine, Rumara come here!”

“Yes my lady.” A blond girl stepped forward and bowed, her glasses falling off in the process. She bent down to pick them up, only to see Zeva’s foot smash them to pieces.

“Stand up.” Rumara stood up slowly, without looking directly at Zeva. “Feed this necklace to The Source. Now.” Zeva said growling, holding the necklace in her hand for Rumara to grab.

“Yes my lady.” She took it from her hand and turned around walking toward the back of the room. Almost immediately after, she tripped over her coat and fell, smashing into the wall.

“Idiot…” Zeva sighed, walking out of the room.

“Ow…”

Rumara stood up, rubbing her head. She continued to the back wall, and placed her hand on it gently. A glow flourished, and the room changed from white, to black. A door appeared and she walked through it into yet another white room. Instead of it being empty, there was a large ball in the center of the room, emitting a purple glow. She walked toward it, placing the necklace into it. It moved like water, flowing endlessly.

“You’re almost done. Soon the world will be at peace. The Valde are doing the world a great favor.” Rumara exited the room in a sophisticated fashion, the door closing behind her.


Coming Soon
Chapter 4
The Lost

Hey Derek, so I'm finally getting down to chapter 3! Here I go.

Derek wrote:Chapter 3
Mindless Angels

“My name? Admirable of you to want to know the name of your killer. It's Zeva.” She I'd put something like, "The woman"; you've just introduced her, so using a familiar pronoun such as "she" doesn't work. spoke with authority. “Even though you may not know it, your life will benefit a very worthy cause.” Smiling, she pulled back her long white coat, revealing a sword. You may want to add something like, "revealing a hidden sword hanging from her belt."

“No please! I have a wife and kids and they need me if you kill me they will-" The reader doesn't know what to picture when you say this, so adding something along the lines of, " 'No, please!' the man cried. 'I have...' "

“Shut your mouth. I tire of your pathetic excuses of pity.” His The man's head hit the floor, his body following shortly after. Right before this sentence, I'd add the detail of the sword ringing or something, just to give it a little more umph. Blood stained "splattered and stained" would work better, to kind of give an idea of how the blood spurts from the body her pure white coat from the waist down.

“Now look what you’ve done.” She Zeva. You've already introduced her name, so you don't have to keep referring to her as "she" or "her." held her hand over her coat, and water began to form. Slowly she rubbed the water against the blood, removing it instantly. “Much better.” Very cool! I'd add some detail about how the water formed, though. Was it from her hands and dripping onto her coat? Was it just like a wet cloth?
She bent over his body, turning it over to reveal a necklace clasped in his hands. Stepping on his wrist so he would release it she picked it up and put it in her coat pocket. “The Valde thank you for your contribution to the world,; you have helped us greatly.,” Sshe said, pulling her fingers threw through; "threw" is "I threw a ball," while "through" is "I walked through the woods."her short black hair.

“Zeva, return to the source and deliver the necklace, then return here. Asoar is back and not as expected.” Who's speaking? Is the voice coming through a communication device? Give some sort of detail here so the reader's not surprised by some random voice from thin air speaking.

“Yes sir.” Zeva turned around, melting into a nearby pool of water.

Definitely having more than a couple of extra paragraphs when you're changing POV. Either use symbols of some sort to separate it, such as ~~~~ or ----, etc., or title the new scene with whomever's POV you're telling it from (I've seen it done this way before, but it's not a very popular method).

“The Valde, again, the reader doesn't know who's speaking right now. Adding something as simple as, "The man said," will help it not seem like a continuous block of dialogue spoken by an unknown person. a name unknown to those who do not seek its faith, a power in which lies in secret behind the curtains of a world filled with evil. A group dedicated to eradicating said evil that spills over this beautiful planet we call Earth. We are collectors of artifacts bearing powers that normal humans may find freighting um this doesn't seem like the right way to use that word, if that's the word you're going for, or possibly exciting. A single goal that lets us believe that one day the world will be harmonized under a single banner which we control.

"To rid the world of evil, to shine light into the hearts of the dark who seek to destroy it. Erm, this start of the paragraph doesn't flow. Is it continuing on from the last paragraph? It's fragmented and doesn't make sense without a supporting sentence. We are the liberators, the masters of The Source. Powers within us that have been granted, gifts to help us in our task. Is this sentence supposed to be explaining what the Source is? Because you don't need to break it up into two sentences like you've done here, it actually sounds wrong. Some would call us gods; others would call us angels, a fitting word in both circumstances. Now, who here would like a chance to join us in this fight?”

The people shunned the idea, spitting at the feet of the man standing on the stage. Whispering They whispered; you're switching tenses here. things like “This guy is a nut case.” “Someone belongs in an asylum.” “Gods? Angels? More like demons, or devils.”

“Fine, walk away from this opportunity. You will never again have the chance. We are closer to our goal themn; I know that was a typo. we have even been. Soon you will see that we are the ones who will rule this world. Save it. Is there some sort of reaction from the people that elicit this response? If so, then show it. When that time does come you shall join the countless people who have died to make it possible thus far.” He looked out over the crowd of people that was quickly dispersing. One lone person stood in the center of them, looking down at their feet.

“I will join you. My gift will certainly help you with your goal.” The last person mm this isn't the clearest. I'd use some sort of adjective that shows that he's the guy who was staring at his feet. said, holding out their hand to show their palm. “This is what I can do.” A small hole gathered above his you've been saying "their" to keep the gender unknown, but now you're just telling us that it's a guy, in the same paragraph. You need to either show us that it's a guy before or after this paragraph. hand, swirling around and around, dark as night. The man on the stage smiled.

“Congratulations and welcome to The Valde. Your first task is to eliminate the non believers. Can you do that?”

“Of course, master.” He "The new member of the Valde" or something along their lines, just to make it clear that it's the newbie with the swirling hand who's talking. turned around to face them, smiling.

'Kay, I'm guessing this is a new POV change? Because this really threw me at first, and I had to read it a couple of times to figure out you've changed.

“Get off me! Let go!”

“Calm down Drake, you’re going to be fine. Just cooperate and they’ll let you go.”

“I won’t, I can’t! Let go Jiro!”

“I’m trying to be rational here. We could just feed you to The Source and end this if we wanted. So shut up and listen!” He Jiro released Drake’s arm and threw him to the ground. Drake put his hands up in surrender, to block his face, how? as if he expected something to happen next.

“What’s going on?” Drake asked.

“That won’t work here Drake. You should know what’s in this room.” A voice he knew all too well stepped in a voice can't step in. You'll have to break it up into something like, "A voice he knew all too well said. A figure stepped in..."threw through the passageway leading into the completely white room that Drake and Jiro are in? I don't know exactly what to picture here.

“Seyed…”

“So now you remember? And here we had thought you’d forgotten your mission.” His Seyed's voice
was deep, but it had a softness too it, as if he really didn’t mean any harm to him Drake; you've got 3 men in the room, you need to specify which one you're talking about, as obvious as it may seem. “I’m glad Asoar found you, though. We were beginning to worry. What do you have to report?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He Drake scowled, looking irate. Mm, when you say irate, it makes me think of a furiousness, which doesn't match with "scowled," which isn't nearly as harsh.

“Come now Drake, I know what you’re thinking. I really don’t care. Don’t be selfish. This isn’t just about you. The world is dying, and you are one of the saviors.” He put his hand out, offering it to Drake. He either say "Drake" again or combine the two sentences to avoid repetition and go "...offering it to Drake, who stared..." stared at it for a few moments. “Please Drake.” He Drake grabbed his hand, and Seyed pullinged him to his feet. “You won’t regret this, Drake. I promise. Now, tell me what you know.” He put his arm around Drake, and led him out of the room.

POV switch, need to clearly mark it.

Just as Jiro was about to leave the room immediately after Drake and Seyed? Give some concept of the timeframe here from the POV that you just left off of., Zeva entered.

“Hold on Jiro.” He turned around to face her. This would be a new paragraph, I think, otherwise I think that you're describing what Zeva's doing, even though you said that "he" turned around.

“What is it? Seyed has requested you go see Asoar.”

“I know, he asked me to deliver the necklace to The Source first. Listen, we both know how this is going to end. Have you talked to Thane?” She stared at his bright yellow eyes without emotion.

“Not here, Zeva.,” Jiro said, putting his hood over his head and exiteding the room.

“Fine," Zeva said. "Rumara, come here!”

“Yes, my lady.” A blond girl stepped forward and bowed, her glasses falling off in the process. She bent down to pick them up, only to see Zeva’s foot smash them to pieces. Ooh, bummer.

“Stand up.” Again, either a new paragraph starting here, or going " 'Stand up,' Zeva ordered, and Rumara stood..." Rumara stood up slowly, without looking directly at Zeva. “Feed this necklace to The Source. Now.,” Zeva said, growling, and holding the necklace in her hand for Rumara to grab. sounds too, can't think of the exact word I'm looking for, but powerful, if you will. I'd say something like "take" instead.

“Yes, my lady.” She Rumara took it from her Zeva's hand and turned around, walking toward the back of the room. Almost immediately after, she tripped over her coat and fell, smashing into the wall.

“Idiot…” Zeva sighed, walking out of the room.

“Ow…”

Rumara stood up, rubbing her head. She continued to the back wall, and placed her hand on it gently. A glow flourished, and the room changed from white, to black. A door appeared and she walked through it into yet another white room. Instead of it being empty, there was a large ball in the center of the room, emitting a purple glow. She walked toward it, placing and placed the necklace into it. It moved like water, flowing endlessly. Very cool.

“You’re almost done. Soon the world will be at peace. The Valde are doing the world a great favor.” Rumara's saying this, right? Add a little something to show that. Rumara exited the room in a sophisticated fashion, the door closing behind her.

'Kay, so the main thing I noticed with this post is the POV switches not being marked out clearly, and then the use of pronouns. You've got so many characters involved that to just simply say, "he" or "she" doesn't cut it. The last thing you want is for readers to get confused, because a confused reader won't stay with a book for very long. Trust me, I'm one of them.

Anyways, I'm really liking the story you're building up here, and I look forward to reading Chapter 4!

I'm finally getting to chapter 3 as well, Doe!

So the PoV switching really was confusing! I was doubting your comment at the beginning, but it's legit. I suggest perhaps an extra space between paragraphs or something fancy like ~*~ between each paragraph just to tell the reader we're moving on to the next scene.

No, thoughts on this chapter. First, I think you got carried away with the dialogue so much, you forgot tags. I had a hard time keeping track of who was speaking, when and why, etc. Tags are a good thing. It's best to over-use them then not use them at all!

And along with moving the dialogue too fast, you forgot to describe the setting and such again. I had a hard time picturing where they were and why, etc. And the scene with Drake should especially be clearer since the reader actually knows this character. Spend more time in Drake's mind, let us see what Drake sees, etc. Same for the other scenes, of course, but at least look at that scene if none of the others. Description is a great tool.

As far as the plot is going, it seems fine. Again, with lack of description, I didn't really understand the purpose of that necklace. Or... I guess I should say I wasn't following the necklace. Again, it's best to over-describe than to not describe at all! Put some meat on these bones.

I think the characters you introduced are pretty awesome so far. I'm not sure who the person in the crowd was that decided to join the Valde. Nooot sure what that was. That scene needs a lot more support. Give the reader a hint as to what's going on.

So names and description are all that need to be looked at here. It will clear this up in no time. I had no problems with anything else. The villains were pretty villainish, and it made me happy, so go you!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!