Red Meadow

Okay so I'm not from Africa nor do I think I have the experience to try to write such a powerful story so tell me if you would read a book about a young boy in Uganda Africa who was captured as a child soldier at the age of five. I want to write about the problems he faces in life and how he tries hard not to be part of his violent culture. So here's a very small part of the story...


I lay in the small hut with five other boys. All the kids that had been taken away by the soldiers where about five to nine years old. The air was hot and dry as the morning sun shone through the small holes in the ceiling. I heard the familiar gun shot outside our hut. I followed everyone else out of bed and stood by the door as it opened. One of the older soldiers opened the door and let us out.
He smiled down at me in a frightening way that made my skin crawl. "Have fun today." He chuckled.
I ducked my head away from him and followed the boys in front of me through the dirt field and under one of the half built buildings. The mud and dirt had settled well to make the rusty walls. We stood in front of a soldier by the far wall as he paced back and forth looked at us. "How was our night?" He asked.
His voice was powerful and strong, but for the wrong reasons. Many of the boy's faces lit up with glory and smiles. I bowed my head and felt a shoulder rub against mine. Ekene had arrived shortly after my group. I tried to smile at him but the atmosphere of this place had sucked my joy out of me. "What are we doing today Mitchel?" Ekene whispered.
I shrugged and looked back up as the soldier passed me. "Before we learn to steal over small towns. We need to learn how to shoot." He shouted at us.
I pressed my back against the wall. "You!" The soldier spat at me.
I didn't even have time to breath as he grabbed my arm and hulled me to the centre of the room. He roughly pushed me to my knees and started laughing. "You need to learn how to stand you're ground boy" He laughed.
I got up and he shoved at me again. "Everyone spread out around the room!" He ordered.
The boys smiled and scattered. Ekene shook his head and went to stand somewhere. The soldier blind folded me. My world went black as he placed the white bandanna on his neck around my eyes. He handed me something oddly shaped. It was heavy and cold. The soldier grabbed my hands and placed them on the object a certain way. "Shoot" He said.
I then realized the deadly object in my hands was a gun. I swallowed loudly and slowly shook my head. "Shoot!" The soldiers voice was loud and it cracked like thunder through the room.
I shuddered and my finger slipped on the trigger. The impact of the shot made me take a step back and I cried out as the noise rang in my ears. For a long moment I stood there in silence with the gun in my hands. My breathing came out in loud rasps. I dropped the gun and slowly pulled up my blind fold. The black veil was removed from my site and I found a young boy laying on the floor beside the wall. He had a bullet hole in his chest. Ekene lay in his own pool of blood on the cold floor. I just stared as the soldier smiled and kicked at Ekene. "Good job boy" He laughed.
Tears stung my eyes. My throat closed up and my heart sped up. I had just killed my best friend in the whole world.

I think this is a very good excerpt from your story, and, yes I think you should keep on writing this story. I found only a few typos. At the beginning paragraph when you say, "I'm not form Africa". This is a very common mistake that I do all the time. I believe you meant "from". Then in this part of the story,

He smiled down at me in a frightening was that made my skin crawl. "Have fun today" He chuckled.

I think you meant was to be way. Also, between "today" and the ending quotation marks, there should always be either a comma or period after dialogue.


Tears stung my eyes. My throat closed up and my heart sped up. I had just killed my best friend in the whole world.

This is a very exciting and interesting ending sentence to keep the reader watching for when new stories of yours are out. You did a very good job and I'm looking for more of the story.

thanks and the beginning sentence was just a comment before I actually started writing.
And yeah those silly spelling mistakes make me go INSANE
Thanks allot I appreciate the help

Hey there,

The link worked fine. Thanks! Here is your review as promised.

Now, on to the story.

Okay so I'm not from Africa nor do I think I have the experience to try to write such a powerful story so tell me if you would read a book about a young boy in Uganda Africa who was captured as a child soldier at the age of five. I want to write about the problems he faces in life and how he tries hard not to be part of his violent culture. So here's a very small part of the story...

Would I read the book? Yes. But in the excerpt that follows, it is already painfully obvious that you haven't been even trying to visualize the scene. When you write it, try to pretend like you have been there, instead of skimping on descriptions to avoid topics you don't know much about. Note: Also, try to avoid putting prefaces on stories explaining what they are going to be about. Try to make readers understand what you're writing about without telling them before they start reading.

Ok: line-by-line stuff next.

I lay in the small hut with five other boys. All the kids that had been taken away by the soldiers where about five to nine years old. The air was hot and dry as the morning sun shone through the small holes in the ceiling. I heard the familiar gun shot outside our hut. I followed everyone else out of bed and stood by the door as it opened.

This is almost pure telling,(rather than showing, the first rule of captivating story telling) and also very dry. The way I would revise this paragraph: (and this is just an example; you can do it however you want. )

"Morning sun filtered through the thin holes in the roof of the hut, shining down on the bodies of the boys lying next to me. Someone coughed, and a body shifted uncomfortably, perhaps trying to find a cool spot on the mat. A familiar gun shot broke the stillness just outside the hut and I jolted upright, following the other boys as the door opened from the outside and we filed out...."

You see how I avoided listing the details, (I do this, I do that... The this was that, etc.) and also avoided telling the reader outright what to think? (Mentioning the cool spot on the mat rather than just saying "the air was hot") Again, this is not necessarily the ideal example, just one I came up with on the spot.

He smiled down at me in a frightening way that made my skin crawl. "Have fun today." He chuckled.

Dialogue tags: If the quoted material doesn't end the sentence, don't capitalize the dialogue tags, eg: "Have fun today," he chuckled."

Also: I have absolutely no idea what the surroundings look like, or what the face of the soldier looks like. What are they wearing? What are the other boys like? So far they seem to be ignoring each other, but he would still see facial expressions, etc.

"How was our night?" He asked.

Dialogue tags again: When the sentence isn't ended, don't capitalize the tag, unless there is no direct attribution, as in "How was our night?" His voice, as he asked, was powerful..." When there is a direct attribution, as in your example, don't capitalize, as in, "How was our night?" he asked.

Make sense? I'm not feeling very coherent at the moment.

"Before we learn to steal over small towns. We need to learn how to shoot." He shouted at us.

Replace the period after "towns" wit a comma to make two complete sentences.

You need to learn how to stand you're ground boy" He laughed.

"you're" is the contraction of "you are," and as such, doesn't make sense in this sentence. "Your" is possessive, and is the word you're looking for, I think. Oh, and the dialogue tag again. "He" should not be capitalized.

The black veil was removed from my site and I found a young boy laying on the floor beside the wall. He had a bullet hole in his chest. Ekene lay in his own pool of blood on the cold floor. I just stared as the soldier smiled and kicked at Ekene. "Good job boy" He laughed.

Wow, I was not expecting this. While it is very powerful, and is a good way to start the story, but I would suggest moving it a bit later in the story, maybe after the reader gets to know Ekene a little better, and would care more. Also, if he saw Ekene go to stand somewhere, wouldn't he know which direction he was standing in? And aren't there other soldiers in the room who might not like being shot at?

Overall: I think this is a very promising beginning. What it needs first is a thorough going-over to pick up errors and fix the passive sentences. Then, I would work on the setting and characters. It can't be that hard to do some research about the area, even if just enough to give a feeling of place to the story. Then the soldiers themselves need personalities. Right now they are just plain evil, and though that is good, because obviously, they are evil, they would have more depth if we understood why they acted the way they do.Your main character has very little personality either, but it is early enough in the story that you have time to add that later. It can be hard to do that in first person, but I'm confident in your ability.

This is such a short bit that I don't really have anything to go on about past that, but I definitely am interested in reading more, which is a very good thing.

In terms of style, I think your biggest thing to avoid is the listing of details, as mentioned earlier. Try starting sentences with words ending in "ing" or with a noun, and avoid starting allsentences with "I."

I hope this review helps you at least a little bit. Again, if you post more of this or need another review, feel free to PM me.

See you around!

Lupis