save my vanity(edited not much but cleaned up)

We all give excuses
to live as one
humanity.
Save my soul
Save my vanity.


The laughter of children
beguile the scene,
They're gone!
They're dead!
They're echoes,
of the sadness
and pain we bear...


By committing the acts
of war,
and indefinite destruction.
We've fought ourselves
as man,
as a people,
as a species.


Washing our hands
with the blood of our brothers,
blaming them,
our "adversaries",
for the actions we undertake...
So for now,
we will wage another war,
kill a fellow human,
try to justify
wrong means and causes.


God,
Save my soul,
Save my vanity.

Hello! The first thing I notice about this poem is the elipses everywhere. I don't think they are necessary in any part of the poem and they distract the reader from what you're saying. I like the message you're trying to put across with this poem, but I feel like it's a lot of dialogue, it's not very strong. Parts are good - "Washing our hands with the blood of our brothers," is good imagery, and I think your poem would benefit from more of this. Some parts of the poem seem simply speculative, and while these are good, interesting, valid thoughts, I think they could be backed up by some imagery, metaphors, etc. Be creative. A good start.

Ok, you were complaining about how it doesn't have any emotion, and I agree. However, I really like that about this piece. It just adds to the voice. I don't know if it was the feel you wanted, but I liked how somber and kind of "matter-of-fact" it was. It was kind of depressing, in a good way. Anyway, I liked it, and you are WAAAAAY too hard on yourself, Cookie.


Lurve,
Nutty-Crackah-Butt ^.*

We all give excuses
to live as one
humanity... < Lose the ellipses as Matt suggested. Actually, I’d consider losing the entire “line” it’s not really necessary. If you wanted to be a little dramatic (which I love doing) I’d suggest this:
We all give excuses to live
As one humanity
Save my soul
Save my vanity... < Again, you don’t need these ellipses.

the laughter of children
beguile the scene, < plural on “beguile” considering it’s more than one child and more than one laugh. I don’t know if I like this or not… it’s sketchy in my head. It fits with the next, but I would consider what you’re trying to say here very carefully.
They're gone!
They're dead!
They're echoes,
of the sadness
and pain we bear... < I don’t think you need this line, again.

By committing the acts
of war,
and indefinite destruction...
We've fought ourselves
as man,
as a people,
as a species.

< Here, I suggest that you cut down on some of the words.
“Committing the acts
of war, indefinite destruction
We fight ourselves (you’re in present tense, as far as I can see)
As man,
As people,
As species.”

Washing our hands
with the blood of our brothers,
blaming them,
our "adversaries", < Put this line up with the third one.
for the actions we undertake... < lose the ellipses, full stop works.
So for now, < I don’t think you need this line.
we will wage another war,
kill a fellow human, < I think you can lose “fellow” here, it will be colder, more effective.
try to justify < I’d add a full stop here and lose the last line.
wrong means and causes...

God,
Save my soul,
Save my vanity.

These are all just suggestions, but I think you can assume your readers a smarter than you currently are. Let them make up some of the middle bits. You can choose to add more description to this, it certainly wouldn’t go amiss, but it’s not entirely necessary. It can stand on its topic I believe.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Ok... war is often used with us being family, all decending from Adam and Eve. It's a given that this was put on. The theory here is was what it does to us what it does to our vanity. The definition of vanity is
Excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain; conceit: Failure to be elected was a great blow to his vanity.

So it fits it fit well. I enjoyed it throughly.

The bitter reality finally.....your poem had deep meaning and a deep message to it.It reminds me of how we can never unite and accept each other for our differences.And with all the havoc we cause on earth we expect God to bail us out.

Continue to write like this and you'll become one of the best poetry writers here.

Hi silented! I must warn you, I'm not very good at poetry but I'll do my best!
Here I go:

The first time I read you poem I enjoyed it quite much. It had a nice overall flow in it and a very decent and nice, although a bit cliché (in my opinion) message.
Don't get it wrong : the "god" idea and the "salvation" message is something that I really appreciate and even used a lot, I never get tired.

We all give excuses
to live as one <--- I'd put a comma here
humanity...
Save my soul <--- A dot here.
Save my vanity...

I liked the first two stanzas, they gave a nice beginning but I you should have given a bit more of "subject". Not just go running into the salvation matter.

This might seem strange but I have to go because my mother is screaming with that I'm in the computer for two hours. >.<

Finishing:

I really enjoyed but you could have polished some stanzas and cut out a few more. The message is very beautiful, and even needing some polishing I really enjoyed it. So bye!
Have a nice day!

Roon here! Nitpicks first!

We all give excuses
to live as one
humanity... << can you live as one humanity? Because, if you read this, that's what it says. It's a little confusing.
Save my soul
Save my vanity... << I like this, it doesn't feel forced, it has a powerful message.

the laughter of children
beguile the scene,
They're gone!
They're dead! << Eh, this doesn't excite me particularly, I don't know why, it just feels like I've heard it before. It's not as powerful as the lines preceeding it.
They're echoes,
of the sadness
and pain we bear... << Again, there is not much that is particularly intriguing or different about this. You are telling us, rather than letting us feel this for ourselves.

By committing the acts
of war, << I think this could be a lot more emotive.
and indefinite destruction... << I'm not sure about this line, it doesn't feel necessary to me.
We've fought ourselves
as man,
as a people,
as a species. << This is just an expansion on acts of war, it doesn't really add anything emotive. Saying that, it does reinforce what is said, maybe if you kept the repetitiveness, but made it more worthy of note.

Washing our hands
with the blood of our brothers, << Good, try using this more, it's powerful, effective, grabs our attention, etc!
blaming them,
our "adversaries", << I don't think we need the quotation marks.
for the actions we undertake... << Could be more powerful, also you say 'acts' a lot.
So for now,
we will wage another war,
kill a fellow human,
try to justify
wrong means and causes... << I can see what you are trying to get across, but I just don't feel enough towards it.

God,
Save my soul,
Save my vanity. << I like the strategic placing of this to make us remember that original hook.

Okay, so overall, it’s nicely written, but it doesn’t make me feel enough. We need to be shown, not told. I don’t really see much imagery, much originality. There are bits that really stand out. The shocking imagery of the washing hands with blood was fantastic, we really sat up and listened. Also, the last paragraph, and the other time it’s repeated is really good. It really portrays the message well for me. For the most part this is fantastic, your writing style is nice. With a little bit of work, this could be incredible!

Hope this helped in some way!

~ Roon

Hey Ed! Stella here! Sorry I've taken a while, but I'm here now... Please keep in mind poetry is not my forte, but I'll try my best.

We all give excuses
to live as one
humanity.

Considering how the rest of your poem is about how we don't do this, I don't understand this choice of first line. Maybe to not live as one humanity?

beguile the scene,

beguiles, laughter is singular.

They're gone!
They're dead!

If you know me at all, you'll probably know that as much as I use them in conversational stuff, I can't stand exclamation marks in literature. They look strange.

They're echoes,
of the sadness

There shouldn't be a comma here.

as a people,
as a species.

You say species as if this is a really big thing, but think about how many animals kill animals of the same species as them. Isn't it therefore kind of natural? If it's unnatural to us, then that's a purely human emotion, and so should be distinguished as such, not pulled down to the bare minimum of species like no other creature on the planet does it. If I'm making sense.

we will wage another war,

we will?

try to justify
wrong means and causes.

Nothing wrong with this, just want to say, Machiavelli quote!

Okay...

Your theme here is good, but I wasn't so sure about the way it was presented. It felt like you were trying to be too profound with words that weren't working for you. I'm a sucker for simple writing, and my suggestion would be to try and relax it a little. As it is, you're jumping all over the place, and while some lines are really good, there are others that are letting you down.

Fine-comb it, and ask yourself when you get to each line and stanza: what am I trying to say here? Am I getting the message through clearly enough? Does it lead on well from the last thing I wrote? Individually, most lines are great, but together they've got an odd feel about them.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.