ch. 2 of the roa between worlds

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2 ~ Whynn ~
FOOSH!!! I fall backwards and a pain in my stomach grows. I look up at my friends and ask what happened. “It was Joey again.” My friend Melanie explains. I glance over at him and all his buddies laughing at me. I bay my anger and look around. Then in a daze, I get up and run at them. BAM!!!! I take another blow and he kicks my shin. It doesn’t hurt that much but I have a plan.
I buckle my knees and sway back and forth. Then I let go and fall.
All my friends gather around me and Melanie asks, “Okay Whynn, Your call. What do you want us to do?”
She says while pushing a strand of dark-chocolate colored hair out of her face. I nod and get up slowly and quietly, just in time as they turn around. I charge at them, knocking every single person down. Then I wrap the collar of his shirt around into my fist. I pull his face up close to mine, one of the other boy snickers, and I shoot him a ‘your next’ kind of look. That quiets him down.
Then I turn to Joey, I look him straight in the eyes and say,
“Look, I’m tired of this, you ‘beat me up’ then I pound you. It’s boring, so quit it.” I hiss.
He gets my point.
Once inside, The PA system turns on, “Would Whynn Dirksen please come to the principal’s office?” the lady says.
In the background you can hear,
“Thank you Joey, wait for her to come. Yes… Yes… Over there hon. Yes… Thank you.” Then her voice trails off.
I stand up in front of the whole class and I feel my face get hot and red. The teacher nods to let me leave class and I walk out of the room, glaring at the kids who think that their so tough as to laugh at me. I start down to the principal’s office.
Once I get down the Mr. Mullins, the principal, is waiting for me.
“Hello, Whynn. Have you ever met Joey Smith? He says you ‘pounded’ him at recess. Is this true?”
I hate detention. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Stupid Joey. Stupid principal. Stupid detention room. It’s all so stupid, even our lives are stupid. I’m missing Melanie’s sleepover. We were going to play truth or dare. Boom, the door flies open and Bree comes in.
“Go outside and wait for me.” She growls.
Well somebody’s in a bad mood other than me. This make me feel better because I know that I’m not the only one that is miserable, and I don’t have to do anything to make them miserable to make myself feel better.
Bree shoves me towards the door and I stumble out. After a few minutes, she strides out and over to the bike rack where I’m waiting.
“Bree...” I say, but she’s quick and sticks her hand in the air to stop me.
Then she ride off. I watch her for a while, her long blonde hair streaming behind her. She looks like me. Freckled face, high cheek bones, long blonde hair, naturally bright lips and big, blue eyes. I hated being pretty. It wrecked it all… my reputation, my tough impression on everyone.
When we got home, Bree said I could go to Melanie’s house for a sleepover, so I could make the time detention took away. When I get there, Mel is waiting out on the porch, tapping her foot like a big baby. She can be such a brat some times.
“So? What is your biggest secret?” Melanie asks me.
“Well……”
I take my time thinking how I can state this. “Well? I’m getting impatient here! C’mon Whynn! Hurry up!”
Oh my gosh, she’s tapping her foot again.
“Well… You know my sister Bree? Me and her… well… we live alone. No adults, no guardian.” Her expression changes from impatient to shocked.
“You and BREE? SHE’S YOUR SISTER? Ewwwww… she’s sooo…ANNOYING.”
I guess she didn’t catch that. I repeated what I said and then she screams,
“WHAT? YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS? YOURE AN ORPHAN?!?!? MOM!! MOM!!”
The next thing I know, I’m waiting on the porch for Bree to return. I see her turn the corner,
“BREE! BREE! THEY KNOW, I TOLD THEM, THEY KNOW!!!!”
When I get home, I rush to the bath room and puke. Then I collapse on the arm chair and rest.
“What happened? Where are we going, Bree?” my head is heavy and fuzzy and I can’t see straight.
“Get some rest. Melanie’s mom isn’t calling the child aid center until Monday. Today is Saturday. I hope you don’t mind, but I invited Joey Smith to come with us. His father hits him and he needs a real home.”
Oh great, I forgot Bree and Mr. Jerkazoid were friends. Oh, this is going to end real swell.
I wake up on Sunday morning and feel a-okay. The cereal we have is all home-made granola and I really don’t feel like oat meal so I really don’t have a choice. After breakfast I plop onto the chair for a good book.
Knock, knock kno… Bree answers the door and Joey’s fist lightly taps her skull as he brings it down for another knock.
“Oops. Sorry ‘bout that.” He says.
“Oh, that’s ok. C’mon in. Um… Whynn’s sick. She puked yesterday, steer clear if I were you.”
Bree likes Joey, everybody knows it. Once, in fifth grade, he asked her out, but it turns out, they couldn’t because Joey’s great aunt was coming.
“Jerkazoid” I greet him,
“Snotball” he nods to me. Then he plops down onto Bree’s chair and sprawls out for a cat nap.
“Soups ready! Come and get it!” Bree shouts. Then we all sit down to eat.
Pa-pa-paastaa! Roma-tomay-tahh! Garlic, oo la la! I'm so delicious!
*Courtesy to Annoying Orange*




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Hey! I'm back for yet another critique. Now, I found a few simple errors in this particular piece. But all in all, very well done. I'm surprised to find someone who can carry on a present tense story and make it pan out correctly. Congrats.

FOOSH!!!

-Foosh? What does this mean? Obviously it is some type of sound or another but I don't think I can picture the sound in my mind. It doesn't make sense for a falling person.

All my friends gather around me and Melanie asks, “Okay Whynn, Your call. What do you want us to do?”

-No need to be capitalized.

It’s all so stupid, even our lives are stupid.

-Why? Because she missed a simple sleepover?

“Bree...” I say, but she’s quick and sticks her hand in the air to stop me.

-Okay, there is no problem in this at all, it's simply that I'm a stickler for these things. You could add so much more emphasis on a statement by switching the 'say' to an, 'I try' or an 'I plead' You get where I'm going with this?

Then she ride off. I watch her for a while, her long blonde hair streaming behind her. She looks like me. Freckled face, high cheek bones, long blonde hair, naturally bright lips and big, blue eyes. I hated being pretty. It wrecked it all…

-Does she really? Because I remember this line...
She says while pushing a strand of dark-chocolate colored hair out of her face.

-Now are you a blond or a brunette? And besides this, I find it awkward for you to have mentioned 'blond hair' twice so closely together.

Also, on same quote,
I hated being pretty. It wrecked it all…

-This is past tense but I can see that you have done it on purpose, still, is she no longer pretty? What happened? And I understand that it wrecked her entire reputation and all but...why? Because no one took her seriously or what?

“You and BREE? SHE’S YOUR SISTER? Ewwwww… she’s sooo…ANNOYING.”

-Excessive captions are a no-no. We get the idea with a simple, 'she exclaimed' or an explanation mark.

“Well… You know my sister Bree? Me and her… well… we live alone. No adults, no guardian.” Her expression changes from impatient to shocked.
“You and BREE? SHE’S YOUR SISTER? Ewwwww… she’s sooo…ANNOYING.”
I guess she didn’t catch that. I repeated what I said and then she screams,
“WHAT? YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS? YOURE AN ORPHAN?!?!? MOM!! MOM!!”

-Where does she say that she lives in the woods? Or am I missing something here?

“What happened? Where are we going, Bree?” my head is heavy and fuzzy and I can’t see straight.

-Capitalize this. Also, why is she acting as though she doesn't understand? She caused this when she opened her mouth. Elaborate a little on this, please.

“Snotball” he nods to me. Then he plops down onto Bree’s chair and sprawls out for a cat nap.
“Soups ready! Come and get it!” Bree shouts. Then we all sit down to eat.

-Quickly jumps from his nap to getting up for soup. Maybe, if there is some kind of time lapse, let that be known. Otherwise, make him quickly open his eyes in frustration that she'd interrupted his nap or something along those lines. Get it?

Okay, this was really good. I'm gone nit picking. Keep it up.

-Rena.
rena;;let the future pass and don't let go




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Answers to ur questions are:
1.its a sound of motion of his fist flying through the air. then it hits her a she falls backwards from the force
2.got it
3.no, she got detention for like the 80 billionth time so i'd be pretty mad if i was her too.
4.how about, "Bree.." i whine
5.ok, i didnt get what you were sayiong there
6.whynn and bree a blonde, melanie is a brunette and i was describing melanie there.
7.she's still pretty, nothing happened, it wrecked her reputation because, yes, no one took her seriously
8.okey dokey
9.i dunno, i guess i sort of rushed that part
10.because she DOESNT understand she forgot what happened like a short term memory loss kinda thing
11.there is no time elapse there, he woke so instantly because he was hungry
im going to post the next 2 chapters soon, so keep looking, thanks rena!
~twiggers
Pa-pa-paastaa! Roma-tomay-tahh! Garlic, oo la la! I'm so delicious!
*Courtesy to Annoying Orange*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4884
Reviews 46
Okay, thanks. I was saying that in one place you say they look alike but in another you're describing them and they don't seem to look alike at all. But you've cleared that up nicely. Thanks and no problem, good story. I'll be waiting for the rest.


-Rena.
rena;;let the future pass and don't let go



Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.
— Corrie Ten Boom