Whatshername *Edited*

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Hello all, I haven't been on in quite some time, but I'm hoping now that school seems to be settling down a bit, I'll have more time to focus on writing. I hope that you like the first piece I've written in months.
~~
Whatshername

You never thought to say hello
or even learn her name.
The only title you know her by
is That Girl What’shername.

She always wanted to raise her hand
but you put her to shame.
Her warm heart turned cold,
that little What’shername.

Little by little she turned away,
her faith already under strain.
Nothing left but death she said,
Our tiny What’shername.

Fighting through once closed doors,
she never felt the same.
As cold metal touched her skin,
She cried, that What'shername.

"Goodbye world with all your hurt;
abandoned, cripple, and lame.
I'm done with lying down once more,
Too bad you'll not know my name."
Last edited by quietloud798 on Sun Nov 15, 2009 11:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
NaNoWriMo, ftw.




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It is good, like the rhyming and stuff, and I liked the repetition of the What'shername part. But this girl comitted suicide, and that's a huge topic, and you've done it in a really short poem. There's a ton of emotion in that kind of mindset, and you haven't explained that at all. You need to go a bit deeper. But you've got the rhythm and everything sorted out so just add a few verses. Bon chance :] xx
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Hello Quietloud, do you have any other names you like to be called? Also, welcome back! With school, I too have been finding it hard to get back on here.

So, I'd like to let you know that I enjoyed your poem very much. I think that this happens more than one would think, and I'm glad that you can alert someone to a situation in a way. This piece is very thought provoking, and I almost don't mind the short length. It gets the point across very well in the short amount of time.

"Little by little she turned away,
her faith was shoved away."

This is the only part that really doesn't work for me. It doesn't flow too well and since it's a repeated rhyme, I'm not too big of a fan. If you can find a way to change that part I think it'd make the poem better, considering since your poem is not especiallly long, every part counts!

Once again, welcome back to YWS!
Kate
Have you ever smelled sunshine? Have you tasted the color orange? I know how you can... post880303.html#p880303

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Thanks you guys!
I'm working on it at the moment and I am definitly greatful for your comments!
And Silversun, you can just call me Rachel, thanks!
By the way, Playing God is pretty much my favorite song on their new CD.
Awesome choice. :)

:Rachel
NaNoWriMo, ftw.



Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence