Shadowdance ((New)) 1

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This is my second time writing this story. Basically the first time I left way too much out and got ahead of myself. By reading the other chapters I have posted already on here it kind of gives away what will happen, so if you do want to keep reading I'd suggest not doing it :) Well, please review! I love nitpickers ;)

We sat with our feet hanging off the edge of the massive clock tower. Below us, a sprawling town of black marble stood gleaming in the morning sun. It was ironic that a town full of trained killers was surrounded by a beautiful landscape. I took a deep breath in, feeling my loose black cloak tighten and then release with my huge sigh. As I stared at an eagle flying off in the distance, something hit me.

“Lira,” a man said in my fuzzy memory, “you know that’s not how you feed the cows, my little harp.” The bear-like man laughed, and the warm noise made me smile and giggle at him. In my vision, I was sitting on the back of a cow, slapping it to make it run for me, although I was actually supposed to be feeding them. My body was so tiny, and all I could see was expansive farm grounds and a large cottage on a hill. The man placed me in his muscled arms and held me over his shoulder. As I looked up, a hawk flew over my head and let out a massive cry.

“Lira,” Xenos, the boy sitting with me shook me out of the memory; his gloved hands grasped my shoulders slightly, making sure I wouldn’t fall of the clock tower.

“Did you have another memory?” he asked. His piercing emerald eyes that were surrounded by a ring of violet pierced into my own purple-flecked silver ones. His black hair fell to his chin and was layered along the sides. His face, like my own, was almost near perfection with full lips and wide eyes with sharp eyebrows. In his face, there was nothing but symmetry. In my face, that was all I saw too.

“Yes,” I said softly. This occurrence of memories from the past was happening more and more frequently. It wasn’t supposed to happen though. They were supposed to be locked away, these strange visions. It was part of the system of how things were run around here, and I didn’t know what was happening to open these memories up again. Were they even mine? I had no clue.

“You need to talk to a Captain,” Xenos said. His gloved hands covered his face, which signaled he was thinking about my problem.

“And then what? They’d try to erase all of my memories again? No thanks, I’d rather keep some,” I replied. Xenos sat up shook his head.

“I think they could be more specific than to remove your newer memories,” he said. I scoffed. I did not trust the technology and mystics around here, both of which had been used to remove all memories I had possessed before I came to this town.

The first memory I can actually remember, that I’m supposed to remember at least, was of arriving here. A man, cloaked exactly like how Xenos and I were currently, brought me through a dark portal and onto the grassy sloped that lead down to the town. My powers, the ones that had signaled this group, were then inspected. I was shown to be above average and they set me in a course for the best of the newcomers.

I was told everything about this god-forsaken town and was told that I was born to live here. That’s what my powers were all about. About being a part of the Esgyrn, this group that resided secretly over Illia, my homeland. They used deception and death, but since I held the same powers most of the others did, that meant I was meant to join this death, this deception.

Xenos was recruited by the Esgyrn the same time as I was, and we were placed in a class of two hundred. We were put through the first summoning of our weapons. Our powers were something of awesome might. We, the Esgyrn, could manipulate all darkness, and depending on our level of practice and effort, do other decidedly spectacular things. We would each train in our area of which we naturally excelled, but for the first few years, there were only group courses. The summoning was a group course.

Our powers allowed us to summon special weapons that were meant for us. As long as you had powers, a weapon of some sort was bonded to you. That day, only a month after I arrived, I gained possession of a weapon that proved my true power. At the age of twelve, out of the darkness of another realm, two swords with detailed handles of ruby and violet pulsed into my hands and from then on came at will, but followed by said darkness. Xenos found out a scimitar, almost equally powerful as my two weapons, was bonded to him.

That day, Xenos and I were placed at the head of our class. Slowly the training became more and more rigorous, to the point where every month a couple more class members would die. I could see their faces, beautiful like mine from the power, die in various horrible ways. I was numb though from their deaths, and I knew that if I ever lost that numbness, I too would die.

“You’re questioning this place again, aren’t you?” Xenos asked darkly. His sharp face made it impossible to lie.

“No, I’m just remembering,” I said softly. I looked at his face, and he gripped my hand tightly. Love was something that was nearly impossible to find in this place, but we managed to somewhat make it through. But, since we were only seventeen, it was hard to tell if what we had would be considered love in the world outside this darkness. I wasn’t condemning the darkness though, for from it I had powers most only dream about.

“You cannot be weak,” Xenos reminded me. I smiled darkly, and revealed my somewhat pointed teeth. Summoning my two swords I held them on my lap.

“When have I ever been?” I asked. I needed to push these memories out of my head, that way I would not begin to grow weak. Why try remember a life that only existed before this? I wondered. I born to live in darkness, my heart thrived in it, my body longed for its chaos. Yet somehow, somewhere, deep inside this body held together by the blood of others that I had killed or would kill, I knew I could not survive like this for long.

At that moment that I realized I needed to harden myself, the bell on the clock tower rang once. It was a menacing noise that signaled Bloodtraining. The time to prove myself had come.
Have you ever smelled sunshine? Have you tasted the color orange? I know how you can... post880303.html#p880303

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Hey Silversun. ^_^


Some specific observations:

It was ironic that a town full of trained killers was surrounded by a beautiful landscape.


Not sure that is really ironic.

Example of irony: a town full of trained killers is surrounded by a bunch of towns full of immortals.

“Lira,” Xenos, the boy sitting with me shook me out of the memory; his gloved hands grasped my shoulders slightly, making sure I wouldn’t fall of the clock tower.

“Did you have another memory?” he asked.


Couple of things.

1) As it’s the same character speaking both times, make this all one paragraph.

2) Consider removing the word ‘slightly’. Adverbs (words that modify verbs, words that usually end in ‘ly’) weaken prose, and should be use sparingly. As it’s not needed here, I’d say cut it out. (As a rule of thumb, only use adverbs that you absolutely must use.)

“Yes,” I said softly.


Another adverb: ‘softly’.

You know I said adverbs weaken prose and should be used sparingly? This is doubly true when it comes to modifying the word ‘said’. Use either ‘said’ on its on, or else use a stronger speech tag (eg. ‘whispered’).

As a rule of thumb, though: just use ‘said’, unless you absolutely must describe how something is being spoken.

“And then what? They’d try to erase all of my memories again? No thanks, I’d rather keep some,” I replied.


Get rid of ‘I replied’. It’s not needed - we already know who is talking.

“You’re questioning this place again, aren’t you?” Xenos asked darkly.


Adverb again. Funnily enough, I’ll accept it here, because it’s removal would completely change the tone of what is being said, and I can’t think of a different speech tag that would better convey your meaning.

This is an example of where an adverb can be acceptable, then.

“No, I’m just remembering,” I said softly.


This one isn’t though. ;)

It’s made even worse by the fact that you’ve already used this particular adverb recently. Get rid of the ‘softly’.

Actually, I’d get rid of ‘I said’ also. We already know who’s speaking. No need to tell us.

I looked at his face, and he gripped my hand tightly.


Because you’ve already used an adverb recently (‘asked darkly’), this one stands out unpleasantly.

I’d say get rid of it altogether; ‘I looked at his face, and he gripped my hand’ reads okay, I think. If

I smiled darkly


You know the drill. ;)

(And again, it doesn’t help that you’ve already used this adverb recently.)

“When have I ever been?” I asked.


Get rid of ‘I asked’. We already know who’s talking.


Some more general observations:

I noticed that you have several paragraphs dedicated to describing stuff: describing how the narrator has powers, how Esgyrn secretly resides in Illia (her homeland), how Esgyrn use deception and death, how the Esgyrn can manipulate darkness, how the narrator trained, how they summon special weapons, how they were placed in a class, and how their classmates died … I’m sorry to say that I skipped these paragraphs.

It’s an info dump, the information is all completely unneeded at this point in time, and the paragraphs break up the flow of what is happening.

The information itself is all fine, is all good - you just don’t want to describe it all in one go, and you don’t want to describe it just yet. The first chapter needs to be interesting, and info dumps are never interesting, no matter how interesting the subject material may be.

Basically: break the information up, and reveal it piece by piece, rather than throwing it all at the reader at once.

Other than that, this chapter is fine. I’m not sure how original assassin-academy stories are, but I trust you to put your own spin on it. Cut out the adverbs, the unneeded speech tags, and fix the info dump, and this’ll be a plenty good first chapter.


Good luck with it. =)


-- Sureal
I wrote the above just for you.




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Hello Silver Sun,
Okay first of all, the beginning reminded me of the clock tower scene from Kingdom Hearts. If you know that game...
So does the name Xenos. Haha, maybe it's just me :D
Anyways, I don't have much to nit-pick on.
I mean, you did superb on the descriptions and grammar. . .
But the beginning transition to her memory could have been a bit smoother.
I read it twice because it confused me.
The setting is interesting, I can see this going very far.
Sorry for the Unnit-picky review =[
I just wanted to post something since I like this.

~Pink
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Hey Silversun =]

Nice start to a story - the concept already has me interested and wanting to know more.

Sureal already noted most of the main nit-piks, but I did see a couple more;

, something hit me.

It's probably just me, but this part of the sentence just seems a little too literal, as if something actually hit your MC. Maybe try changing 'hit' to something like, 'overwhelmed' - sorry, I'm rubbish at examples :oops:

fall of the clock tower

'of' should be 'off'

Xenos sat up shook his head.

'Xenos sat up and shook his head.'
or
'Xenos sat up, shaking his head.'

onto the grassy sloped that lead down to

I think you meant for 'sloped' to be 'slope'

I was told everything about this god-forsaken town and was told that I was born to live here.

I'd remove the second 'was told'

the others did, that meant I was meant to join this death,

The part after the comma reads awkwardly. I'd change it to something like;
'the others did, it meant that I was supposed to join this death,'

His sharp face made it impossible to lie.

'His sharp features made it impossible to lie to him.' ??

Why try remember a life that only existed before this?

'Why try to remember a life...'
or
'Why try remembering a life...'

I born to live in darkness, my heart thrived in it

'I was born...' ??

At that moment that I realized I needed to harden myself

This reads awkwardly. Maybe try something like;
'At the exact moment that I realized I needed to harden myself'

Overall;
:arrow: This has captured my interest and I'd love to read on :)

I hope my review has helped and as always, my suggestions are just that.

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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I felt like this might be a Kingdom Hearts, although I still got that glossy Anime feeling.



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