Two of my Poems

I know they're not great, but I was just practicing poetry. The last one is very bad, I know, but if I reword it, would it be ok?


He takes his job serious,
Works nine to five,
His wife is sick of him,
And his repetitive life,

This is the way,
That every man lives,
Tortured inside,
Wanting to give,
Into this lie,
And become a man,
Free of the world,
Outside the land,

Run my poor child,
Live your life well,
Do not give in,
To life's nutshell,
Be free of yourself,
And take a chance,
Run my poor boy,
Learn to dance,
The trot of the warrior,
The spin of the free,
Teach how to give,
Not to receive,

Learn to survive,
In the midst of a war,
Teach other boys,
What's worth fighting for,
No greed for once,
That would be fine,
Teach all your skills,
One at a time,

Run my strong man,
Leader of the brave,
You had one chance,
And you never caved.


__
__
__



Childhood in ruins
A poor child left to fear
Does anyone care?
No. They do not.
All they care for is tunes
Given to them by force
Five brothers put to work
But loving every minute of force
Singing and dancing their hearts out
But split by one thing
Father.
Wanting a new place
Wanting more fans
His children do not understand
But one.
One child dares to be different
leaving the others in grief
They all split up
But it seems for the best
For a single star is born
He dances with a new beat
Free as a robin he once sung about
Lively as the wind
New freedom granted to this child
He grows and grows until he hates himself
Changing the face we knew
Altering the face we loved
Why? Why does he change?
because we drove him to it
He changed for us
Thinking we'd approve
Some did
Some did not
So they yell at the poor child
A man on the outside
The child inside wants only love
So he changes more and more
Begging for it
Singing for it
He wants change
Not only in himself but others and the world
So he does the only thing that people listen to
Sing
Song his beautiful heart out
Until he's nothing but a sad shell
he is still the King to some
Including me in that
But we all miss him dearly
Michael Jackson

Hey, Vandria (cool name, by the way =3)

Ok, I'm going to write two reviews for this (one for each poem) just so that you don't have to read one big, long, humongous (not to mention daunting) review - it's a bit of a pet peeve for me, so I don't want you to have to deal with it as well.

Just so you know, if you want to have more reviews, you should probably put the title of your poems in the subject line when your submitting this - not to mention in the actual text. It just helps people to find what they want to review, and stuff, so if you put something like "a poem I wrote", then people will just plain avoid it (some of them like the plague).

Just a tip.

Also, I'm reviewing this as I'm reading it, so pardon any confusing comments on my part - just try to sort of go with it

And now, for the review - watch me do it, Werecat style (comments in bold):

He takes his job serious, Shouldn't this be seriously?
Works nine to five,
His wife is sick of him,
And his repetitive life, Were you trying to rhyme this? If so, you should probably try to find some better way of doing it - "five" and "life" don't technically rhyme...

This is the way,
That every man lives,
Tortured inside,
Wanting to give,
Into this lie,
And become a man,
Free of the world,
Outside the land, Rhymes...

Run my poor child,
Live your life well,
Do not give in,
To life's nutshell,
Be free of yourself,
And take a chance,
Run my poor boy,
Learn to dance,
The trot of the warrior,
The spin of the free,
Teach how to give,
Not to receive, Rhymes...

Learn to survive,
In the midst of a war,
Teach other boys,
What's worth fighting for,
No greed for once,
That would be fine,
Teach all your skills,
One at a time, Rhymes...

Run my strong man,
Leader of the brave,
You had one chance,
And you never caved. Hmmm... all of the verses but the first one rhyme really well... you should just fix the first verse so that it rhymes then. =) This was good. I really liked it - you should have more confidence in your poetry. Who cares if you were just practicing? We're all doing that! After all, we wouldn't be asking for reviews otherwise, right?

Other than that, it's all very good! :3

OK, and onto the next review! x3

Just like the first one, I'm reviewing this as I'm reading it, so please pardon any confusing comments and stuff on my part - I'm not very good at it when I do it this way, but I find it easier as well, and I always try my best to edit it afterward.

But still, I often forget things...

And for the review:

Childhood in ruins
A poor child left to fear
Does anyone care?
No. They do not.
All they care for is tunes
Given to them by force
Five brothers put to work
But loving every minute of force
Singing and dancing their hearts out
But split by one thing
Father.
Wanting a new place
Wanting more fans
His children do not understand
But one.
One child dares to be different
leaving the others in grief
They all split up
But it seems for the best
For a single star is born
He dances with a new beat
Free as a robin he once sung about
Lively as the wind
New freedom granted to this child
He grows and grows until he hates himself
Changing the face we knew
Altering the face we loved
Why? Why does he change?
because we drove him to it
He changed for us
Thinking we'd approve
Some did
Some did not
So they yell at the poor child
A man on the outside
The child inside wants only love
So he changes more and more
Begging for it
Singing for it
He wants change
Not only in himself but others and the world
So he does the only thing that people listen to
Sing
Song his beautiful heart out Sung.
Until he's nothing but a sad shell
he is still the King to some
Including me in that
But we all miss him dearly
Michael Jackson <== Nice! XD

No verses? You should seperate this out a little bit with some verses, or something, just to make it easier to read...

Otherwise, this was perfect - and I like the topic, it's very unique. I've never read a poem like this about Michael Jackson before (or any poem about him, really)

Well, I hope this helps with your poetry writing! The review is somewhat loose, I'll admit, but that's how I do all of my reviews, so don't take it personally. It's just how I do business XD

Anyway, see ya Vandria! x3

Thank you!
All of your tips helped me. As I reread the first verse of the first poem... Yeah, that doesn't rhyme. xD
And its nice to finally find someone who doesn't despise Michael Jackson.
Thanks again!
~Vanny

Really good idea to write about micheal jackson! Something other than a tabloid piece.

It would be a very different poem, but maybe you could write it in really short, snappy lines, where micheal could be any unfortunate person. Maybe do it all in the same rhythm and length as 'micheal jackson'.

- C

That would be a really awesome poem to see!

Unfortunately, even though I love micheal jackson, I don't know very much about him (or any famous person, for that matter. It's just not something that interests me very much...).

In any event, if you actually do make a poem like that, make sure to post it right away!

I want to see it! (And critique it *mischievous smile*)