ch. 1 of The Road Between Worlds

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[color=#FF8000][color=#FF8000]1 ~ Bree ~
As dismissal bell rings I shut my science book and shoved them in my desk with the rest of my things. Then I stand up, grab my bag and walk out of the classroom. Once outside, I get my bike and ride off. The rain is cold and being the middle of October the air is already chilly enough in my opinion.
I turn off the main road and onto Cedar Brook Grove then off onto a dirt path leading through the woods. After a little while, a small tattered cabin rises from the path. When I arrive there I slow down and shove my bike under the porch. I run up the stairs to the door and dig in my pockets for the keys. Buttons, an acorn, a wad of cash, coins, and finally my fingers feel the metallic of the key. I unlock the door and step inside.
Ah the comfort of home. I change into a sweat suit and head down to the kitchen again.
I yank carrots, celery, potatoes, beans, and some cut chicken out of the freezer box. I cut this all up and pour it into a pot filled with water and chicken broth. Then I light the fire and hang the pot to cook. I’m about to get Whynn from Melanie’s house, but I remember, she’s supposed to be home by now. Crud.
I arrive at school and see Whynn’s bike there as usual. I walk into the detention room and sure enough, Whynn is there. Must’ve picked another fight.
“C’mon Whynn,” I hiss through gritted teeth, “Go outside and wait for me.”
I yank her up and push her to the door. Then I apologize to the office lady and leave myself.
Outside Whynn’s waiting for me so she can, yet again, try and ‘explain’.
I hold my hand up to stop her and say, “Hurry up.”
Then pedal away, with her following.
“But Bree!” she calls after me, “It was Joey Smith again!” she protests. “I was just defending myself!”
She still had no right to mess with him.
Whynn already has enough to worry about. Sixth grade is like a jungle. I’m the responsible one just ‘cause I’m a few minutes older. But to tell you the truth I’m best friends with Joey Smith, he just has a rivalry with Whynn.
Once we’re home, I send Whynn to Melanie’s so they can make up the time Whynn’s detention took away. She ends up having dinner with Mel, so I invite Luna over for dinner.
Luna is the only out-of-the-family person that knows how and where Whynn and I live. Luna is Whynn’s friend too, and Melanie is my friend, just Luna and I get along better and Whynn and Melanie get along better than if we’d switch it up.
Eventually, Luna shows up and I serve the soup.
“You know, Whynn should really let Melanie know about this.” Luna says with her mouthful.

“Yeah, but Melanie gossips. With that kind of reputation, I wouldn’t trust her with a blueberry.” I explain.
Luna giggles, she soon breaks out in a hilarious laugh and soup squirts out her nose. Now I’m laughing too!
I try to be as responsible and mature as I can given all the authority, but I just can’t help being footloose and fancy-free!
Soon enough a burping contest begins, “BBBBUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP!” Luna’s first blow rattles the windows, “BBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!” Mine shakes the whole house! Finally, she leans back in her chair and puts her hands up in the air, I win! She chows down again and I head to the kitchen to clean up. Then after a few minutes, she’s done and we sit down in the living room.
“Do you want to sleep over?” I ask Luna.
“Sure, but I’ve gotta ask my mom first.”
“Well don’t bother going all the way home to ask, just say it was too stormy out and we weren’t allowed to go outside.” I suggest.
“I like the way your mind thinks. Can I borrow a toothbrush and some pajamas?”
In the morning I realize Whynn’s not home yet.
“Luna,” I whisper, “I’m going to get Whynn from Melanie’s house.”
She grunts and rolls over. Gosh she sleeps late, it’s already eleven o’clock.
Once outside, I dig my bike out and pedal of onto Cedar Brook Grove again. Then I turn onto the main road and on to Rose Creek Lane. I ride up three blocks and at the second house on the fourth block I see Melanie’s mom and Whynn on the front porch.
Whynn looks sick. As I arrive the house, I see that she is crying, not sick.
“What happened?” I ask.
“Bree… BREE… I, I didn’t m-mean it! I-I t-t-told th-them! BREE! WE HAVE TO LEAVE THEY ARE GOING TO TELL THEM! BREE!!” she sobbed.
I understood. She told Melanie about us. Living alone in the woods, run a ways from the orphanage.
“WHYNN! WHYNN!!” I’m so MAD!!!
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Last edited by twiggers on Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey, here for an extremely quick review.
First off,
As dismissal bell rang
-As the dismissal bell rings.
-You start in past tense ad quickly revert to resent for the rest of the narrative.
Second off,
I barely got through the entire narrative at all. It was...dare I say?
To heck with it, it was boring. I'm sorry. It was too descriptive and it had no defined plot to capture anyone's attention at all. I don't know if I could have truly gotten through it if it hadn't been for my OCD which doesn't allow me to not finish reading a work I've begun.
It sounds as if I'm trying to be mean but I'm really not. It just wasn't too good.

-Rena.

Keep working at it. You've got a strange quirkiness for description.
rena;;let the future pass and don't let go




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Hey! Welcome to YWS! Have you been to the Welcome area to introduce yourself? If not, it's a really great place to meet some people and get some points (which is always nice xD) You can also ask for help there, or at the Information desk (they're both in the Community section)
There's also a 4:1 ratio on YWS now, so before you post something else just make sure your review ratio is 4:1 or more... you can check this if you just click on "My YWS" and not any of the dropdown options, OK?

Now, your story. I'd like to say I read it, but the orange colour actually hurt my eyes, and I was squinting to see. I'd really love to read it though, and since black is our favourite type colour here, could you put it in black and PM me? I'd really like to help you, but I don't want to hurt my poor eyes (given that I'm short-sighted already)! Lol
I hope you settle in OK :)
~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company




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cottonrulz wrote:Hey! Welcome to YWS! Have you been to the Welcome area to introduce yourself? If not, it's a really great place to meet some people and get some points (which is always nice xD) You can also ask for help there, or at the Information desk (they're both in the Community section)
There's also a 4:1 ratio on YWS now, so before you post something else just make sure your review ratio is 4:1 or more... you can check this if you just click on "My YWS" and not any of the dropdown options, OK?

Now, your story. I'd like to say I read it, but the orange colour actually hurt my eyes, and I was squinting to see. I'd really love to read it though, and since black is our favourite type colour here, could you put it in black and PM me? I'd really like to help you, but I don't want to hurt my poor eyes (given that I'm short-sighted already)! Lol
I hope you settle in OK :)
~*cottonrulz*~

cotton-
thanks 4 the info, i did check in and everyting. i'll change the color to black. and by the by~
WHAT IS A 4:1 RATIO?????? sorry. i stink @ math so i don't understand ratios yet.i've gotst a question 4 u... do you want 2 be on my friend list??

~TWIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~ =)
p.s i posted ch.2 and ch.3 is on it's way! be sure 2 check them out 2!
Pa-pa-paastaa! Roma-tomay-tahh! Garlic, oo la la! I'm so delicious!
*Courtesy to Annoying Orange*




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Rena~
i changed "rang" to "rings" and too out the paragraph where i only described the house. i only started writing in october so i dont exactly have any good starting scentences. i'm posting ch. 2 and ch.3 is coming along (that's where the fun begins) do you hve any peices you wrote?
~TWIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~
Pa-pa-paastaa! Roma-tomay-tahh! Garlic, oo la la! I'm so delicious!
*Courtesy to Annoying Orange*




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Well actually, I write all the time. Surprising to see that I have NOTHING posted here. But I'm more of a critique-r type thingy mabob. I don't know what you could call me but I like reviewing and reading the work of others. I've set a goal, I will post one of my shorter stories here for you all by my next birthday. Oh, that would be by April of 2010. But hey, that's a goal worthy of accomplishment I'd say.

Still, your story was good, keep it up and once the next two chapters have been posted, please inform me and for a beginner, you are incredibly good. Good work and keep it up.

-Rena.
rena;;let the future pass and don't let go




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Points 1051
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thank you. ch.3 should be in by late november. as for ch. 2, i tried to reveiw the posts and it was all messed up with missmatched squares and 'Mac Affee Security' stuff. does that ever happen 2 u? btb, i will try 2 read some of ur stuff, i'm pretty busy though.
Pa-pa-paastaa! Roma-tomay-tahh! Garlic, oo la la! I'm so delicious!
*Courtesy to Annoying Orange*



It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore