Last edited by napalmerski on Sat Nov 06, 2010 5:59 am, edited 2 times in total.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
Hi there napalmerski. I'm Conrad Rice, and I thought I would stop by to give you a review over this.
And now it looks like the Sirdash have forgotten the ancient oaths."
In contrast to the rest of Atren's dialogue, this seems a bit too casual. I would consider changing "now it looks like the," to "now it appears as though the," if you get my meaning.
Also, I would work on your dialogue tags throughout this work. I sometimes found myself loosing track of who was saying what. It is never good to confuse your readers.
I have to go on a short thing about the Zarufi/Zarufa for a moment. I understand that this term is what the tribe uses for homosexuality. But I question why a rural tribe such as the one you describe here would allow such things. The reason being is that most societies like that are focused on practicality. They work every day to survive, and you have indicated multiple times in your narrative that this is true of this tribe as well. To them, a relationship such as that would be horribly impractical. Such couples cannot bear and raise children. At the very least, you need to indicate that such people would be extremely frowned upon, since they cannot provide more children, and thereby people, for the tribe.
And another thing. I question why this dead girl/guy from elsewhere in her body is allowed to roam free. Sure, the tribe does treat it as a strange occurrence. But, it seems like people in those circumstances would have been a bit harsher in their treatment of someone who just came back from the dead.
So, it's a good narrative, but you've got some plot-holes that you need to address. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
