Shrive: Chapter 1

[removed, under revision]

Hi WD! I tend to be a sucker for blog plugs. I don't have much time, so this will be short!

Your letter I found just a tad confusing. We're hit with a half-dozen characters, and since I chose to skip the prologue, I have no reason to care for them. The names are sometimes very similar, and that just makes me skim. And I was thrown by the use of "my" in front of "mother." It made me think the author of the letter was talking about his mother to somebody else. I can see that you did it for a clipped tone, but it falls a bit flat since we aren't aware he's talking to his mother. And, as I mentioned, the number of characters and relationships given in a very short span is very confusing. I didn't really want to read past those relationships. There is also a little mystery as to why he knows he's expecting a daughter specifically, considering the date of the letter. That's not exactly bad, but I don't consider it exactly good either. Makes the letter sound more modern than it actually is. The "terminated at receiver's death" also sounds more like a sci-fi than anything else.

Once past the letter, you picked up a good pace. I'd consider replacing "he slipped" with something, or completely deleting it, would be better. It's too simple considering the lavish description that follows, and I found myself a bit lost when the language shifted. Once it shifted I enjoyed it. However I am pressed for time so I can't finish reading! (If you want a longer review let me know. I'll get to it... eventually). It's also not the best of hooks; nothing is there to arouse our curiosity. Here is an article on beginnings for your enjoyment.

Hope this helped!

~Rosey

(Retrieved from underground library two years after the Kellan Manor’s incineration)

(Letter sent: January 16, 1638)

(Letter terminated at receiver’s death. Lady Kellan’s death recorded January 14, 1635)

Okay, this confused me just a bit. You say that the letter was terminated at receiver's death. However, it was found in the underground library, and the "receiver" was dead three years before the letter was even sent... Is that a typo? Why would the letter be sent after someone was dead (unless this is the dude's way of commuicating contempt beyond the grave)? And how can it be retrieved if it was terminated? *is confuzzled*

do not fear, mother, the problem

When the word "mother" is being used as a name or title as it is here, it needs to be capitalized.

first daughter in a few months.

How does he know he's having a daughter? I'm assuming his wife is still pregnant and I'm pretty sure that they didn't have ultrasounds back then... What makes him so confident?

That said, I loved the letter. The first paragraph especially. It was so twisted and cold. Very, very nice. I didn't find the second paragraph confusing at all.

I agree with Rosey's comment about the "he slipped". It just seems so simple and alone, without any lead-up and not really fitting in with the in-depth descriptions later on.

The conversation between the two men before they are named didn't bother me at all. You did a fairly good job of distinguishing them even without names. *applause*

The boy’s head hung out from the green blankets and ropes that bound his body to the horse’s back, and his pale blond hair dripped with raindrops, his eyes closed and face unnaturally still, unconscious.

Hoo, boy. This sentence is really, really long. I'd suggest breaking it up, for the simple reason that it is so ridiculously long. It looks unwieldy.

ex. The boy's head hung down from the green blankets and ropes that bound his body to the horse's back. His pale blond hair dripped with raindrops and his eyes were closed. His face was unnaturally still, unconscious.

My main nitpick with this piece is the dialogue. It feels...infodumpish. Like, it feels like you are trying to explain everything here.

Johnethein wiped the sopping hair out of his face. “I used to be friends with Maynard, before his father died and he took control of the manor. Of course I was different,” he said with a hint of bitterness, his gaze still fastened on the child’s pale face.

Apparently these two men already know each other. Why would he be telling him this now? Also, I'm pretty sure that they both know that Maynard took control of the manor when his father died. It's probably a given between them. So why explain it all here?

There's obviously a bit of leeway in fiction for infodumping in dialogue, but most people don't go explaining things all the time in their dialogue. (ex. "As you know, Bob, I was finally promoted to Executive Director yesterday." "Yes, the office party was nice.")

It's not too bad in this bit you have here, but it should be something you should look out for.

All in all, though, I liked this. I want to read more and see where you are going with it all. Your descriptions are very nice and I want to see how all these scenes are going to tie together.

Looking forward to more!

~GryphonFledgling

Hey WD, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

our first daughter in a few months.

Uh, how does he know? Sorry, that just... yeah.

When I am finished, I will send your grandchildren to meet you.

... I didn't really get this at all- you said it concerned you, and well, yeah. It's puzzling. Also rather creepy.

(Letter terminated at receiver’s death.

What did this mean? I understood that she's dead, but how did the letter terminate at her death...? Oh, ignore me if it's blatantly obvious, which, to be honest, it probably is and I'm just being silly.

Thunder and lightning wrenched in the sky;

Maybe you should begin this sentence with a "now" or something. Also, is it hailing or raining, you seem to sort of change your mind a bit...

the Lightning streak up in the sky.

Is there a particular reason why this is capitalised?

a hat maker

Shall I be really pedantic and tell you it's a milliner? ... Nah... in fact, maybe that's only women's hats or something... myeh, whatever. Sorry. I'm rambling.

Checking to make sure Rohbeart was asleep,

But you just said he was asleep. I don't know, I think it's the repetition that bothers me about this. Find a new word for asleep!

Okay...

II. OVERALL

To be honest, I didn't have any specific issues about this at all. You write very well. I would have liked to know how exactly they obtained the child, but other than that. They were nice characters too. Maynard seems like a complete creep. I suppose that's the point. I really liked it. *gold star*

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hi, honey.

So, again, if you have any questions or need help deciphering my handwriting, please give me a shout out.









I. Letter Writing

I like the letter at the beginning of the chapter. It reminds me of the letters we read in my Introduction to American Literature class; especially the ones between John Adams and his wife, Abigail Adams--where at one moment they will be talking about the farm and children, and in another they will be talking about the fate of the new nation.

II. The Two Guys

I adore Rohbert and John. They are kind of adorable together. No let me rephrase that. They are adorable together.



Though at the beginning of Rohbert and John's scene, it is confusing about who is speaking when. Maybe put some dialogue tags in, and that should clear up the confusion.

It appears some of my notes got cut off. The only one that I think is confusing is on the second to last page. I underlined outside, and what I wrote is: perhaps use once only one time per sentence.

Ta, hon.
Cal.