Papillon

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I apologize if it seems rather long! I couldn't get everything in i wanted to in a little piece...

“Here they are, Rainer. The Jury has decided they should be trained by the best.”

“Where did you find him?” An old, wrinkled arm reached towards the baby’s face. He touched the boy’s skin; shivering goose bumps rose from his finger to the tips of his toes. “Yes, his skin is very cold.”

“He was on Desputer; a few galaxies away.” The younger man, dark brown hair, light blue eyes, walked to the next baby cradle. The older man followed. “And she,” the older man touched the baby girl’s head. “She was found on Tirer.” The old man’s hand shot up. He licked the tip of his finger.

“They are perfect. He is the Strong, no doubt?” The old man watched his new trainers.

“Actually, Rainer, he is Smart.”

“So that means…” He looked at the girl child. “She is the one?"

“Yes.” The two men crossed the room to the nursing couch. They sat facing the babies, each terrified at what the other will say next.

“The Jury picked me… They only pick me when special orders need to be done right.” Rainer rested his cane on his lap.

“That is why I was sent to speak to you. Andie and Einar, their names, are the pair the Jury and all of Papillion has been waiting for. They thought it would be many, many more decades until they showed, but they are here.” He looked at the babies. “They suspect the war will end by the time they are twenty.” He smiled.

“Have their powers come yet?” Rainer coughed in attempt to clear his raspy voice.

“Well, you felt their skin. Einar is ice cold. They Jury was called by representatives of Papillion. Einar had frozen his bottle in a second with the touch of his thumb. His parents disowned him, not wanting an abnormal baby in their home.” Rainer frowned. Parents like those were more than half the reason why Papillion was founded. “His powers aren’t fully developed; the Jury suspects him to do so much more. And Andie, Andie’s powers are not developed yet, though her skin is blazing hot and her temperature is four times that of a normal baby. The Jury guesses her powers will arrive any day now.”

“Ice and Fire. They are perfect.” Rainer smiled, a bit afraid of his task ahead.

“You see how important it is that they fulfill their destiny. You are the only factor that could stop them. You are the only Master the Jury trusts. You will train them?” The young man’s lower lip trembled; his life and others depended on this old man’s answer.

“If the Jury chose me as their Master, how can I possibly refuse? It is a very high honor.” Rainer stood and hovered over his children.

“Thank you, sir.” The young man bowed, then departed, leaving Rainer to his Children.
* * *

“Good morning, Master Rainer.” Andie sat down, looking around for Einar. Her eyes shifted frantically. She couldn’t handle living a day without seeing him.

“Don’t waste your time looking for him.” Her eyes shifted back to her Master, who was struggling to keep his oatmeal on his mouth, and off of his clothes.

“Whatever are you talking about?”

“No early training today… He is meeting with the Jury… Training starts at seven.” He spoke softly, between huge gulps of oatmeal.

“Why is he there?” Her eyes flashed red. Rainer recognized those eyes. The last time she showed her ‘dark side’, as she liked to call it, was when Rainer had beaten her in a battle.

“He is not requesting transfer, don’t worry. No, the Jury called him in.”

Her eyes went back to the cool, amber color Rainer had become accustom to seeing. “So you do not know why?”

“Of course I do. He is my trainer.” Rainer looked at Andie. Her eyes began to tear.

“Won’t you tell me why?”

Rainer knew what she was thinking: Einar had been chosen as Leader. Einar had been called in to Jury so they could tell him personally that Andie was Leader, but Rainer couldn’t tell Andie that just yet. Her leadership would be a secret until tonight’s training.

Einar would be hurt; and he would probably take it out on Andie, Rainer knew. But, if there was one thing that Andie was soft for, it was Einar’s feelings. She loved him, like the woman in the pair should.

“No. You will know soon enough.” Andie sunk in her seat. She eyed her bacon and eggs, but didn’t even think of eating it. She pushed it onto Rainer’s plate.

“A little gift for you, Master.” She curtsied, and then walked off on the tips of her toes, her hands behind her back. Independent, strong, Rainer made a metal list. Like the Leader should be.


In the time leading to training, Rainer slumped around the Master lodges. He thought of tonight; now that his destiny would be fulfilled, well, he would disappear. No one knew where retired Masters went until they got there. He walked around contemplating old memories, making them clear so he would never forget, no matter how far he went. He clearly remembered the first day he had seen them. Einar had frozen the tip of his finger, and Andie’s blazing hot skin melted it away, then burned him. To think, these past seventeen years had gone my so quickly, and now Andie would be chosen leader. Rainer saw it coming; everyone knew. Deep down, though, Rainer hoped Einar would pull it out of himself, and gain the courage to be leader he tremendously lacked.

“Good afternoon, Master.” Andie trotted in, first, like always. Andie was much more enthused about her life than Einar was, or probably would ever be.

“Master.” Einar walked in, tipped his head, and stood as far away from Andie as possible.

“Einar, I missed you.” Andie smiled, waiting for his usual sweet reply.

“What are we doing today, Master?” Completely ignoring Andie. Her face was shocked, but she just stared straight ahead.

“Today is our last day of training together. The Jury has decided you are ready enough so that you can end your Training a year early.” Rainer looked at Andie. She blinked, and her eyes shifted from Einar to Rainer.

Andie’s expression was sad and happy at the same time. It was a bit of a straight face, as someone would use if they were trying to hide being happy when they were supposed to be sad. Andie knew what was happening. Andie has Strength and Smart. She is truly a leader after all. “So I was granted to right to tell you, Andie, that you have been chosen Leader of your pair.”

Andie’s expression did not change. She held her head high, her hands crossed behind her back. She tilted her head down, looking at her feet.

“Master, what would happen if I were to decline such an honor?” She looked at her hands, which were unsteady and shaking. Einar stared at her, disapproval on his face. But, when he saw Andie was on the verge of crying, he softened. Both Rainer and Einar knew Andie only cried over Einar. He walked over to her, and placed two gentle hands on her shoulders. Rainer smiled, this was how a pair should be.

“Andie, do not decline this offer on account of me. I love you, Andie; therefore I will have to make sacrifices for you.” Andie turned to face him, and, not wanting upset by kissing in front of the Master, they hugged.

A few moments later, Rainer spoke, “the Jury asked me to give you two an assignment; just to make sure you are ready. Think you can handle it?” Rainer winked.




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Hey! So I am Audrey, and seeing as you have no reviews, I thought I might give you my input. So lets get to it.

The Good

I think you have a really good thing going for you here. First, you have created a fantasy world, that is intriguing, which makes this piece interesting to read. In my experience, creating a fully developed alternate world is difficult, so, good job there. If you can continue to flush-out this world in cohesive manner, I think you have a great piece here. I think the inclusion of the first part, with the main characters as babies, is also really appropriate.

Some Nit-Picks/Comments

Here they are, Rainer. The Jury has decided they should be trained by the best.”

“Where did you find him?” An old, wrinkled arm reached towards the baby’s face. He touched the boy’s skin; shivering goose bumps rose from his finger to the tips of his toes. “Yes, his skin is very cold.”

“He was on Desputer; a few galaxies away.” The younger man, dark brown hair, light blue eyes, walked to the next baby cradle. The older man followed. “And she,” the older man touched the baby girl’s head. “She was found on Tirer.” The old man’s hand shot up. He licked the tip of his finger.

“They are perfect. He is the Strong, no doubt?” The old man watched his new trainers.

“Actually, Rainer, he is Smart.”

“So that means…” He looked at the girl child. “She is the one?"

“Yes.” The two men crossed the room to the nursing couch. They sat facing the babies, each terrified at what the other will say next.

“The Jury picked me… They only pick me when special orders need to be done right.” Rainer rested his cane on his lap.

“That is why I was sent to speak to you. Andie and Einar, their names, are the pair the Jury and all of Papillion has been waiting for. They thought it would be many, many more decades until they showed, but they are here.” He looked at the babies. “They suspect the war will end by the time they are twenty.” He smiled.

Alright, so I know this is a long quote, but I thought it was necessary. You really need some more detail/clarification here. It was really difficult for me to understand. First I would start with a description of setting - Where are they? Second, I would clarify who is saying what. Who said the first line? Who smiled at the end? Third, I would further describe the characters in the scene, in addition to the dialogue. Include facial expressions, thoughts etc. I think it would really help.


Her eyes went back to the cool, amber color Rainer had become accustom to seeing.

I would get rid of the "seeing," it is a little awkward and it is just as easy to get rid of it.


Einar had been chosen as Leader. Einar had been called in to Jury so they could tell him personally that Andie was Leader, but Rainer couldn’t tell Andie that just yet.

For clarification, I would put actually after "had."


Einar would be hurt; and he would probably take it out on Andie, Rainer knew.

Grammar wise, there are two things you can do to fix this sentence. Either get rid of the "and" and keep the semi-colon, or change the semi-colon to a comma, keeping the and. I also think it would be better if you moved "Rainer knew" to the front of the sentence.


She loved him, like the woman in the pair should.

This sentence put me off. Depending on how you read it, it could come off slightly sexiest. It is important not to offend you readers; I would consider changing it.


Independent, strong, Rainer made a metal list. Like the Leader should be.

Change the the period after list to a comma.


No one knew where retired Masters went until they got there.

This sentence is a little awkward. I am assuming you mean that not even masters themselves knew where they where going until they got there. By saying No one, it implies that everyone, at one point or another, goes where retired Masters go. Just try to clarify that point a bit.


Einar had frozen the tip of his finger, and Andie’s blazing hot skin melted it away, then burned him.

I would change "then burned him," to burning him.


Deep down, though, Rainer hoped Einar would pull it out of himself, and gain the courage to be leader he tremendously lacked.

I think further clarification is needed here. Pull what out of himself? Does Rainer hope that Einar will be leader instead of Andie? If you add more detail, it will clear that up.


What are we doing today, Master?” Completely ignoring Andie. Her face was shocked, but she just stared straight ahead.

I think you need to put something like, Einar asked coolly after the quotation to clarify who is speaking.



The Jury has decided you are ready enough so that you can end your Training a year early.” Rainer looked at Andie.

The phrase "ready enough" is really awkward. I think if split this section into two sentences something like, The Jury has decided you are ready. They are ending your training a year early, it would help. Also is "Training" supposed to be capitalized? Sometimes you capitalize it and sometimes you don't. Whatever you decide, make sure you are consistent throughout.


Andie has Strength and Smart. She is truly a leader after all.

"Strength and Smart" sounds awkward. Perhaps if you said Strength and Intelligence? Also, who is thinking this, Rainer or Andie?


She held her head high, her hands crossed behind her back.

You have two complete sentences here, change the comma to a semi-colon.


Andie turned to face him, and, not wanting upset by kissing in front of the Master, they hugged.

The order of words is a bit awkward here. Consider something like, ...not wanting to upset the Master by kissing in front of him, they hugged.


A few moments later, Rainer spoke, “the Jury asked me to give you two an assignment; just to make sure you are ready. Think you can handle it?” Rainer winked.

Capitalize the first "the"

Overall

You have a great concept here, I really enjoyed reading it. I want to read the next installment. It reminded me of The Giver if you have heard of the book.

I would focus on adding more description in that first section, in terms of improvement. It was the only part of the piece that really threw me off.


Well there it is, hope it helped! :D

Audrey




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This was indeed very interesting. It captured my attention immediately when I saw the Fire and Ice bit. Always am I intrigued when opposites come together and I am interested on seeing how this story progresses. Keep it up and great work!




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Yo!
I only saw two really awkward sentences in the whole text. The first one was alreayd comented upon, the second one is this:
Rainer knew what she was thinking: Einar had been chosen as Leader. Einar had been called in to Jury so they could tell him personally that Andie was Leader, but Rainer couldn’t tell Andie that just yet. Her leadership would be a secret until tonight’s training.

What Andie is thinking, and what Rainer knows, do not seem to de divided well, its guesswork for the reader here.

You do not have to explain everything at once - what galaxy, what planet, what conflict, etc. Far from it. As long as the plot moves along, and sooner or later we do find out what is going on and why - that's quite ok. I think the technique of mentioning small bits of curious information, without telling everything, is called 'dropping gold coins' in the text.

Anyway, good goin', and let's see the next part!
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard




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You are an amazing writer, but this story needs a hook. I read the whole thing, but I was losing interest. Try adding more description, and more emotion. This should be at least double the length it is now. Don't get me wrong, it's really good! I agree with the other members, it reminds me of The Giver.

Write On,
-Rach
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” - Henry David Thoreau
...Do things to the beat of your own drum. ♥



I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman