At the Edge of the World

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The first fragment of...something...I'm not quite sure right now.

*********

Summer, 1190, Year of the Drake

I grow old. This is the troubling truth I have come to behold. And for all my prodigious talents, my remarkable discoveries and untold experiences, there is nothing I can do about it.

Perhaps I will make progress yet. There is still time.

Word of the Capitol comes slow these days, if at all. Though I hate to admit it, occasionally, I grow lonely and no book, no history, no spell will be enough to hold back the tide of sorrow and regret. Still, this blissful seclusion is preferable to the considerable inanities of idiotic humans. I must hold to that.


I must.

- C

Ishmael swayed with the sea, floorboards creaking beneath him. Though the sky blazed with Illor’s blessing, the sea seemed to heave. Fresh, hefty winds battered through the waves, sending lesser men sprawling and cursing. Ishmael’s feet might have been wedded to the floor, for all they moved. His dark braids streamed behind him, the beads clacking furiously together.

He might have heard the crewmen’s suspicious slurs and makeshift signs of warding, might even have cared, were his eyes not fixated on the Edge. They couldn’t see it yet, but they would soon enough. A wizard’s farsight was just another of the benefits humans lacked. Although, in this instance, Ishmael found he didn’t care too much for his gift.

The Edge glittered. It called.

He sighed. ‘Captain?’ The man’s huge footsteps could not be mistaken, though he could be surprisingly graceful for one his size.

‘Aye, Councillor?’

‘At this rate, we shall be there by nightfall.’ He shot a glance at the big, bearded brute. Captain Alsike was scratching his beard, a frown on his face.

‘Thought that was my line,’ he offered, weakly. There seemed a sudden pallor about the man. He and his men were terrified; it was plain to see, though the Captain did a better job of hiding it. As well they should be.

Summer, 1194, Year of the Drake

Whenever I grow doubtful, I need only climb to the heights of this tower, sit at this desk and look out over the Edge of the World. The fields covered in lavender jasmine flowers, the sea of clouds in the sky; stately islands of white gracefully passing by. Over the trees and the plains I look, to the distant yet painfully bright glitter of the Edge.

Yet I stay in my tower.

I write and I read and I philosophise…but for what? I cannot recall. All too often I find my mind wondering. Wondering back to my childhood and the day I first saw the Others, the spirits and the fox-gods laughing and dancing – I remember calling out.

‘Look! Fairies, there are fairies here.’

The surprised looks on the other children’s faces, quickly followed by condescension and ridicule, and them so young. It mattered not. Long after the children were gone, the Others remained, thoughtful and silent.

Even they are gone now.

Ah, how my mind wonders…

-C

Ishmael stared at the giant island.

It should not exist. That much was plain. It had risen up quite suddenly in their view. The sky bled lurid colours as Illor’s blessing faded. The stark white cut off ahead – the Edge – seemed to bulge around it obscenely and Ishmael could only shake his head at this testimony to one man’s power and extraordinary arrogance. It reared out into the nothingness, chin jutted in defiance.

Captain Alsike roared instructions and his men scurried to obey. They were weighing anchor. These men would go no further, not for any man, or wizard for that matter. Once they were done, Ishmael calmly surveyed them, wondering idly if they’d dare tell him to leave. As a wizard of the 26th Order, he was by no means the most powerful, but he was strong enough to whip these dogs and they should know that. The surly crew gathered about their giant Captain, fingering their crude weapons.

‘Much thanks for your hospitality, Captain,’ Ishmael said, saving the man from having to humiliate himself.

He turned and casually stepped over the railing. There were gasps from above and Ishmael chuckled. A touch theatrical, no doubt, but all the more pleasing for its effect. He landed on the surface of the water, which bent, then held. Smiling, he began the walk to the island. Of course, he’d been hoarding his power for the entirety of the trip for just such a moment, but they needn’t know that, or just how much it taxed him. He kept only the thinnest of paths before him, solidifying the top few inches of the water.

He kept his path calm and steady, sweat seeping down his forehead, until he was sure he was lost in the gloom. Casting aside his dignity at that point, he flat out ran for the island – he didn’t have long before he would be swimming the rest of the way.

Autumn, 1196, Year of the Serpent

Yesterday, I summoned a demon.

It took no great effort on my part, in truth I was quite surprised it worked. I’d always imagined demons to be…well, imaginary, to say the least. No one had summoned one in my not inconsiderable lifetime, or even heard of a successful conjury – the popular belief was that it was all nonsense and those ancients who wrote of it, were no doubt addled at the time of their penmanship. Nonetheless, through sheer boredom, I decided to try.

Imagine my shock when Little Balthor popped into my circle with a sizzle and a crack. He made some quip, some crack about not being summoned in a thousand years and did I know what that did to his back? He made quite the show of stretching. I can’t help but smile in memory.

Gold eyes blinked up at me. ‘So, this is generally the part where I tell you what a big bad demon I am, how I’m going to rip the skin off your body when I’m free, blah blah blah, but I’m going to go ahead and skip all that.’

He waddled up to the edge of the chalk circle I’d drawn and gingerly pushed at the air there. There was an audible bulge, but nothing else.

‘You’re quite the Magus, my friend. I haven’t met one of your power in…well, it’s been some time.’ The small dwarf-like creature slapped his head in consternation. ‘But where are my manners? I, Balthor the third, am at your service.’

I stared at him in some confusion, still in shock that not only had the ancient spells and wards worked but that they had apparently conjured a small, babbling dwarf. I wrung my hands.

Balthor cocked an eyebrow. ‘What - can’t say it eh? A guessing game, is it? Most people summon a demon to assassinate a rival, perhaps a political one? Jilted lover? Hm? Well, what is it, man? I assure you, I’ve heard it all. Out with it.’

‘Ah. I wonder…would you like some tea?’ I smiled.

I’m still chuckling at the expression of disbelief that crossed the dwarf’s face. He swore in what seemed a hundred different tongues, some I even recognised – something about being surprised, and the indignity of it all for a creature of his power – etcetera, I tuned him out. I haven’t felt quite this invigorated in some time. It’s a wonder what companionship can do for a man. Even a wizard.

-C

Ishmael stared up at the monolithic tower. It tapered up into dizzying heights. A cool breeze blew through the leafy trees. Ishmael shivered as it played around his legs, still soaked through from his dunking earlier. On closer inspection, the craftsmanship on each huge ivory block was astounding – engraved around each were dancing figures, spirits, and animals. Ishmael blinked. He could swear they were actually moving, but it couldn’t be surely? Reaching into his coat pocket, Ishmael brought out his specially made lenses. Twisted copper wire braided sapphire shards; he slipped them over the bridge of his nose, making a little ‘ah’ of appreciation and a moment after that, of wonder.

Although not a powerful wizard by any stretch of the imagination, Ishmael specialised in the construction of magically imbued items. The blue lens were his favourite of all those, revealing all enchantments and spells to the naked eye. And what it showed him now…was breathtaking to say the least. The entire tower – every stone – blazed with power. The whole building was composed of sorcery, great arcing spell lines so convoluted and complex they dizzied him. Shaking, Ishmael took of the lenses, lest it blind him. He didn’t even know such power existed – not even the All-Wizard, surely…but that was treason, to even think. Somewhat disconcerted, he brought out the letter.

The Council of Illor, as representatives of His Absent Majesty, do so declare that the Ivory Tower exists on territory marked as theirs since the Fall of Devian the Black and that should the Ivory Tower and its occupants wish to continue unmolested, it must needs pay the tax and recognise the Council’s authority…

Of course, it was the same letter they’d been sending via pigeon for the past forty years, without response. Imagine the shock of the gathered nobles and Illuminaries of the Order when a small, horrible dwarf creature – all mottled skin and gold eyes, an unnaturally shaped body and teeth so sharp they gleamed – appeared within their council.

‘I am here at the behest of a friend,’ it had said, every word laden with reluctance. ‘With a message: I have been remiss these past few decades and should you wish to reclaim the unpaid taxes merely send along an appropriate emissary.’ With that, the dwarf had vanished.

Twenty seven had come before him and twenty seven had failed.

What chance did he have?
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Just quickly, all areas beginning with a date, followed by first person narration, should be in Italics. It appears to be working in the 'preview' section but not on the actual page for some reason.

Would be great if somebody could quickly inform me if they see it as all italicised or just the date?
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Just the date, I'm afraid. YWS formatting is odd.

Pork




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Well, I went back and separately italicised each sentence. Damn, but I'm pedantic and i hope you all appreciate it, haha.

Cheers, Prok
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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I must say that this is a relief after all the junk that I am used to finding in the fantasy section. There are plenty of good ideas out there, though certainly yours looks most promising, but I am primarily relieved to see some quality writing. Good job indeed!

The Edge glittered. It called.

He sighed. ‘Captain?’ The man’s huge footsteps could not be mistaken, though he could be surprisingly graceful for one his size.


I like how you introduce the captain here without even describing his approach until after Ishmael speaks to him. It flows and provides for description without giving too much.


He turned and casually stepped over the railing. There were gasps from above and Ishmael chuckled. A touch theatrical, no doubt, but all the more pleasing for its effect. He landed on the surface of the water, which bent, then held. Smiling, he began the walk to the island. Of course, he’d been hoarding his power for the entirety of the trip for just such a moment, but they needn’t know that, or just how much it taxed him. He kept only the thinnest of paths before him, solidifying the top few inches of the water.


This is a very well constructed paragraph; no problems there. It is just my personal opinion that--in some cases as in this one--it may be better to not explain the magic but just let it happen. You have sufficiently prepared the reader with your mentions of wizards, the mysterious edge, and such, so it is unnecessary as far as I know. Perhaps you could keep the part about him hoarding his power, while skipping the last mention of him solidifying the water. This obviously depends on the nature of the story (whether you will need to explain the magic or not), so it is little more than a nitpick. When I came to this part, I just felt like it would be better if you retained a bit more of the mystery by not describing too much. Just a thought

Obviously I do not have much to critique, seeing as I have commented on such a nitpick thing as that above. This is good, for it shows that this segment is in little need of help. Therefore, I have nothing more to say!


~GJ
the greenjay strikes again...




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Hey there, GJ,

Cheers for commenting. I suppose I put in the explanation of magic because I didn't want - and personally dislike when I read such - too many unreal things happen without reason. Sometimes in fantasy, or with wizards, people tend to think they can just do anything and there's nothing to it. I don't hold to that. Having said that, there's something to leaving some mystery, leaving something to the imagination so I'll keep it in mind, for sure.

Another reason I like explaining the magic, is because I find it so cool haha, and I like to share.

As for the relief thing - I get it. I've been on this site for 3 years and 11 months and rarely is there quality writing in this forum. Good ideas to be sure, but without the writing to back them up. The reason for that is the median age for those who use this forum is around 13-14 I think, so you really can't hold them to blame for much of it. Mostly, I tend to put my writing in Other Fiction - adult, supernatural writing is my thing and if I put it here its either misunderstood or dismissed entirely.

So, I appreciate you taking the time to say something!

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Hey Jig! A very lovely piece you have here. Your style is refreshing and most of your word choice fit perfectly. I am quite fond of your style. This was very well-written, and the images were vivid but not overbearing. A wonderful balance of character and setting, in my opinion.

This here seems more like a character sketch than anything else, and I really enjoyed your presentation of Ishmael. As has been said, the characterization is wonderful. Perhaps this is part of your choice with ambiguity and the introduction of a new world, but I was not entirely sure whether to view the letters as from an outside source or as written by Ishmael. Part of this is that Ishmael's voice largely resembles the voice in the letters. If the writer is Ishmael, bravo. If not, you might want to consider some issues of clarity. You by no means have to explain everything at first, but, if it is another speaker, I would like to see a more distinct voice.

As I have said, your writing is beautiful. And this was extremely engaging for a piece with so little action. However, at times, it seemed a little heavy on the world-building and description. Your description is not overbearing in that it is wordy or heavy, but there is just a lot of it and the reader is drawn into this seemingly calm mood interrupted by those letters. Ishmael seems ponderous and calm, but, personally, I would like to get a better impression of the action occurring around him. We see the men scurrying, but, personally, more detail would be neat in order to contrast Ishmael's brooding. There is no overt need for a contrasting surrounding, but it is something to consider.

All in all, a very nice piece, Jig! I am impressed by your style and it is a lovely beginning of something. I would like to see more of this if you do choose to elaborate. I do not know if I would make this the beginning of something; I think the letters would have to be clearer for this to work as an opening, but it is very lovely. Very nice job and keep writing!

As for the relief thing - I get it. I've been on this site for 3 years and 11 months and rarely is there quality writing in this forum. Good ideas to be sure, but without the writing to back them up. The reason for that is the median age for those who use this forum is around 13-14 I think, so you really can't hold them to blame for much of it. Mostly, I tend to put my writing in Other Fiction - adult, supernatural writing is my thing and if I put it here its either misunderstood or dismissed entirely.


True or not, this is extremely disrespectful to the other writers on this site. Lumping the younger, budding writers in this section into a state of inferiority is not only demeaning; it is destructive and prideful, and I expect more of you and the members here at YWS. Please be respectful and think about what you say. Thank you.
~ WD
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Hey WD,

Thanks very much for taking the time to respond.

I rather think you've misconstrued what was said, in a negative fashion. There was no ill intent behind the words, I was stating my opinion - and I'm entitled to do that, whether said opinion is liked or not. Fact of the matter is, most of the writers who use this forum are kids. Kids with creative vision, to be sure, but without the experience to write really well. That's just fact. It doesn't make them 'inferior' - that's just the place they happen to be at right now.

And when I was at that age, I was the same - perhaps even worse, actually. You can only get better with practice. And it's a long road ahead - if anyone takes this path seriously, they'll understand that all too well. Part of this is perspective - I think in comparison to what most 13-14 year old's can do, what YWS members come up with, is generally fantastic. The problem is for older members, it's not as enjoyable to read (though there are exceptions).

When I said that I tend to put my work elsewhere because it's misunderstood or dismissed, I meant by those my age or similar - generally because they're not looking for it here, they look to find it elsewhere. Otherwise, my writing tends to be long-winded and most of the younger guys just can't be bothered reading that much I think, hence the dismissal. Which you can probably tell by checking the ages of those responding to my pieces, haha. Look, I would never say to anyone on this site that they're inferior - I'd have to be holding them up to a higher standard, which I'm not - and I would never say to them to stop writing, so I don't in any way consider what was said to be destructive. The only thing I lumped them into a state of being was youthfulness. And I'm not wrong there.

That being said, thanks so much for your comments. I appreciate the effort you put in. And if you have any other questions or issues to raise, just send me a PM, as this isn't exactly the most appropriate place for discussion.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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I am sorry for my inappropriate comment, there. Indeed there is "junk" on this site--it's just natural--but I implied that most is junk, which is not necessarily true. But like I said, there are TONS of amazing ideas out there, and all of us do need refinement, even the best of us.
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Hey there Jigs. Since I saw part two, I decided I might as well do part one first. :D

Twisted copper wire braided sapphire shards;

The red lens were his favourite of all those,


You said sapphire right away but aren’t sapphires usually blue, not red.

And what it showed him now…was breathtaking to say the least.


I’m not sure if I like the use of ellipses here. It’s kind of distracting and in my opinion rather unnecessary.

Overall

This is actually really cool. I’m not completely sure what’s going on yet, but that’s what part two is for. I especially like the letter-like portions. It’s all very interesting and the magic is definitely unique.
The one thing I do wish we knew a little more about is Ishmael such as whether or not magic is common or uncommon. And though you mentioned that he’s not the most powerful, just how powerful is he.


Overall though, cool beans Jigs, cool beans. :D

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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In the same boat as lilymoore there: saw part two and figured I might as well do it justice by reading part one.

*blink*

This was... lovely. The inter-cutting of the first person narration (memoir/journal?) and the third person narration around Ishmael is quite lovely. Each piece gives you just enough information to tie in the next piece and so on and so forth in a subtle sort of world-building. Any confusion was swiftly cleared up, or at least hinted at enough that one can be reasonably happy to wait and read on, rather than be frustrated at a lack of information.

I really enjoyed the voices of the characters. WD mentioned how Ishmael and the letter/journal sound a bit similar. They do, but only similar, not identical. It comes across more that these two are of alike mind, rather than the same person. Perhaps a setup for whatever kind of relationship the two will have (if one at all)?

I'm intrigued by this. More than that, I'm enjoying it. Quite a refreshing fantasy read. On to part two!

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Easily the best novel I've read on this site so far. At least in the top 3. My favorite line was this:
Imagine my shock when Little Balthor popped into my circle with a sizzle and a pop. He made some quip, some crack about not being summoned in a thousand years and did I know what that did to his back? He made quite the show of stretching. I can’t help but smile in memory.

The only thing is that i believe the word "Wizard" is a copywrited word. I'm not one hundred percent sure about that though.
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Hey! Your story was really good, I enjoyed reading it. I have to say, the first thing that came to mind was Pirates of the Caribbean, but I think that's due to your title, avatar, and the ship scene at the beginning. :D

I also thought of the Bartimaeus trilogy during the scene with Little Balthor, what with the whole summoning demons. That was definitely my favorite part, though; it was very entertaining to read.

The only thing that confused me was who had written the italics. Are they letters that Ishmael is reading? Is it something that happened long ago, or something that's going on during the same time?

I'm looking forward to seeing what chapter two has! :D
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Lily! Lol! I actually meant for them to be red and thus, made of ruby, so you were right to point that out haha but then I found that I quite liked the idea of the lens being blue, so it seems subconsciously that I may have wanted that all along.

Thanks, all! I was beginning to think no one would read part two haha, and given that two needs some, I was just starting to be thankful of its anonymity...Ah well. :D

Cheers!
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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I’ve reviewed this story, because it looks promising, and it’s well-written. I have a tendency to nitpick... :P But you don’t have to agree with everything, of course!

I loved the first paragraph with Ishmael. It had me immediately drawn into the story. It’s not easy to create a hook, and I think you did really well! I like that you focus on character rather than setting, but you don’t dismiss the setting entirely either. You found a good balance between the two.

I have to say I found the journals/letters somewhat confusing at first. Especially the second one, which just raised a lot of questions. However, at the end of the chapter, I started to understand what their relation to the story is. I only wonder why you chose to write this person’s perspective in the form of journals/letters?


Captain Alsike was scratching his face, a frown on his face.

There is a little bit of repetition here in using the word ‘face’.


He kept only the thinnest of paths before him, solidifying the top few inches of the water.

Personally, I like that you explain the magic. Otherwise, the reader would only know Ishmael was water walking, but not how he does it, how his magic actually works. But I would also be content if you explained this later in the story.


Imagine my shock when Little Balthor popped into my circle with a sizzle and a pop.

You write that Balthor ‘popped’ into the circle with ‘a pop’. So you actually describe twice that he pops, which is unnecessary.


My name is Balthor III, at your service.

I think using ‘III’ instead of ‘the third’ interrupts the flow of the sentence a little bit. If it would say ‘the third’ I would just read it and then read on, but when it’s ‘III’ I have to think about it, if only for a millisecond. If this was written in say, a letter, I would have no objections. But this is dialogue.


I stared at him in some confusion, still in shock that not only had the ancient spells and wards worked but that it had apparently conjured a small, babbling dwarf.

Here you write the word ‘it’, but what does ‘it’ refer to? I think you refer to ‘the ancient spells and wards’, but then ‘it’ should be in the plural form.


He didn’t even know such power existed – not even the All-Wizard, surely…but that was treason, to even think.

Does Ishmael still not know such power exists, or didn’t he know before seeing this tower? If it’s the latter, then I think it should be ‘hadn’t even known’.


Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. The writing is good and the story itself intrigues me. I did wonder at the purpose of the journals/letters. It's an original idea, but what does it add to the story?

The ending of the chapter seemed a little abrupt to me. I guess I expected a little bit more. You set the basis for the story, but you explain only a little bit about the world, and there was no real action in this chapter.

The part I enjoyed most was the part about the summoning of the demon Balthor. It was fun to read! I also really like how the journals/letters and the story of Ishmael become linked, with Ishmael mentioning a dwarf-like creature, and we know he means Balthor. The story arches come together, and if the story was a little confusing or vague, much of that becomes more clear.


I'm very curious to read more, so I’m going to read chapter two as soon as possible. If you have any questions about my review, please ask!
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