Yet to be Titled - Chapter 1 Section 1

This piece took my some time to fine tune, after a month of writers block I am finally getting back into the swing of writing!

Please Critique and Review!

Note, This is a work in progress so bare with me.

-zerkk


Let us start this dreadfully adventure in a remote part of the Southern United States. A little “slice of Hell” if you will. With few people, and even Fewer lastnames. A kind of small place that when you drove by, if you blinked you would miss the sign and go right past without another thought in your tiny little insignificant mind. This little buttcrack of a town out on the edge of nowhere, is a very shady place With two kinds of people; Insiders and Outsiders. If you are born and raised, then welcome to the family. If your not, Then “Get the fuck out!” with a line of 12 gauges pointed in your general direction. You could be the next Jeffry Dommer and nobody would bat and eye, nobody would let you down. You're a part of the family.

So we begin with a birth. The birth of a very unhealthy and disgusting baby boy. A baby so horribly mutilated the doctor himself cannot bear the sight of the tawny little rag doll body. No cries break the silence, no shrieking infant freshly exposed to the light. Just a decrepid and sickly little thing. A black soul behind those seaping black eyes. A foul smell fills the small delivery room. The air was thick and humid. Complete silence dominated, not a sound but the heavy breathe of the nearly dead woman who just gave birth. As the deleivery nurse so carfully turns the little body tword the mother, a shriek shatters the silence of the delivery room, the mother cries in fear, “GET IT AWAY FROM ME!” “ma'am this is your baby boy!” mouths the astonished nurse, “I SAID AWAY FROM ME!” yells the mother. Frightened and flustered the nurse craddles the new born and quickly sets him into a transport cart and wheels him through the doors into the blackness of the hospital wing. A deep moan escapes from deep inside the swollen belly of the horrified woman. “this can't be happening to me” sobbing, the words spill through the womans dry, cracked lips.

As the night dredged on the now very ill woman refused her child, she refused medicine and she refused to be seen by anyone. She even refused to call the new born her own. She lays alone, in the damp and musty hospital room 3712. Her mind racing but her body resembling that of which a person would resemble if they were in a deep comatose state. Her eyes pinpointed on one specific yellow water stain on the dusty ceiling tiles. The room is many years to old, the stench of formaldihide now acustomed in her black lungs. Next to the telivision with the cracked screen is a fire sprinkler that has already been enganged and has never been replaced. Doors slamming down the hall way and the shuffle of jogging nurses fill the air day and night with no end. Her mind drifts. Far, far away from that dank and dingly hospital room. Everything surrounding her evaporates into a grey mist. So far and so cold has she wandered within her mind she slowly parts from her ever memory, forgetting everything around her. The broken TV and the busted fire sprikler, the yellow spot on the ceiling, the birth of her “son” everything disapears.

A distant cold blue light pokes at her eyes, a pin hole in the blackness of her mind. Whats left of the warmth in her now limp outer extremities slowly diminishes as she glides closer and closer into that deep void of nothing.

This is quite cool and quite creepy at the same time! What I love about it is that it sounds like the beginning of a really gripping story. You leave me wanting to know why the baby is so mutilated and what the rest of your story holds for him as far as plot line is concerned. The only problem I have is the presentation of your first chapter, the lines went a bit weird in the half of the chapter which you should fix because it spoils the tension within your paragraph. Apart from that I loved it I hope you continue on, you might not have much reviews now but I'm sure you will soon. Best of luck!
*coco

Hello there, Zerkie! June here; I figured I should give you a review, since your awesomeness calls for it.

I usually don't do nitpick-y reviews or pay attention to all of the tinier details, but I noticed a few mistakes here, and I want to point them out, so this will be a sort of... proofreading review. Let's have a stab.

Let us start this dreadfully adventure in a remote part of the Southern United States.

- Dreadfully needs to be dreadful, because dreadful is premodifying adventure.

With few people, and even Fewer lastnames.

- No stray caps in a sentence, dearie.

is a very shady place With two kinds of people;

- Kill that big double-you; replace it with w.

- That semi colon needs to be a colon.

If your not, Then “Get the fuck out!” with a line of 12 gauges pointed in your general direction.

- Your is the possessive pronoun indicating that something belongs to a person; the word you want to use here is you're to say "if you are not". Keep an eye on that as you proofread.

- Then doesn't need to be capitalized. The G in get doesn't need to be either, but it's borderline acceptable seeing as it's dialogue.

Complete silence dominated, not a sound but the heavy breathe of the nearly dead woman who just gave birth.

- Breath, not breathe. The word you have here is breethe, not breth, and breath is the proper one here, dear.

As the deleivery nurse so carfully turns the little body tword the mother, a shriek shatters the silence of the delivery room, the mother cries in fear, “GET IT AWAY FROM ME!” “ma'am this is your baby boy!” mouths the astonished nurse, “I SAID AWAY FROM ME!” yells the mother

- deleivery = delivery. carfully = carefully. tword = toward.

- Long sentence. Break this up into a few.

- Put dialogue on a new line each time.

Next to the telivision with the cracked screen is a fire sprinkler that has already been enganged and has never been replaced.

- telivision = television.

- enganged? I think that's supposed to be engaged?

= = =

A few tips!

- Run a spell check before you post your story to filter out any minor spelling errors.

- Increase your usage of punctuation. You do fair with it here, but there are places where more commas should be in play; I decided not to point them out, because that'd make this review to long and boring to read for you, but if you want, I will be more than willing to point them out. Just PM me if you want me to.

- Vary your sentence style. You do a fair job with this at the beginning, with some short, some long sentences. Keep that up, it's a very useful tool in holding the audience's interest. It will benefit this story, dear.

- Easy on the description. It's good, and I like it, but when you describe things, try to use only one adjective per thing unless you want to really, really give us the full powerful spin of all that you're describing. Otherwise, it's a little bit too tedious for us to keep reading about one thing. Try to describe without using words ending in ly (disgustingly, sickly, beautifully; it's more 'pure' to just use the words flat out).

- - -

I think your story has a lot of potential, Zerks. I like your style-- easy to read, smooth, clear reading. Keep that up, it's brilliant. I like your idea, but it's hard to tell where it's going, and it's hard to tell whether or not this will be cliche. It has the potential to not be a cliche, haha, but, you know, it goes.

I'd love to follow this on, should you continue to post. Thanks for the read; good work; keep it up.

Best Regards,
June

This is actually wuite cool! I love it you need to keep it up too man! By the way when you do post something more pm me!:) You have great potential here dude

Yo Zerk,

Here's my promised review. I do hope that you find it useful.

The voice of your narrator is what really drew my attention to this piece. It is a rather original representation: A narrator who isn't too worried about what the reader thinks of him.

Now, what I seriously suggest doing is taking the time to review your tense. You tend to switch between the past and present tense rather haphazardly with what is apparently no cause. This rather undermines your credibility as a writer and is something that I'd try to address as quickly as possible.

The next step is to address the somewhat illogical steps of your story. I wonder why it is that your nurse who has not just carried the child for nine months is not phased while the mother is. Don't you think it would be rather more realistic or comic if the nurse was the one who was taken aback? I certainly do.

I would also ease up on the exclamation marks when you are quoting speech. You'll find that if you use exclamation marks too much they begin to lose their effect. I try to keep them for occasions that I want to really distinguish.

You'll also find that capitalizing dialogue to indicate screaming is not always the best way to do it. When dialogue is as emotive as yours is, often merely giving us the words will allow us to picture the tone. What's more, it doesn't appear as though you're struggling to convey the emotion to us. Your sense of humor appears dryer and less forced, and it also appears far more effective.

Now I am not usually one to point out nitpicks, but you just so happen to have one that irks me particularly:

She lays alone

You'll find that the word lays does not befit your sentence here. The word you are looking for is "lies". And I know that many people say lays, but it is incorrect, and should be treated as such.

One final point. You tend to have sentence fragments scattered throughout your piece. These too have a limited lifespan. I'd suggest cutting down on them and minimizing their use to maximize their effect. But when you do this, you need to start actually making sure that your punctuation and grammar in the sentence is perfect. I'll give you one or two examples:

So far and so cold has she wandered within her mind she slowly parts from her ever memory, forgetting everything around her.

You'll find that you are missing a necessary period after "mind". As soon as you begin a new sentence or idea, you need to indicate this with punctuation.

The broken TV and the busted fire sprikler, the yellow spot on the ceiling, the birth of her “son” everything disapears.

Aside from the fact that disappears is spelled wrong, you are missing two vital commas. One after "son", and one after "everything". Without them the sentence looks rather rugged and un-fine tuned.

Now, that's about it. I did rather enjoy this piece and you have massive potential. Your stereotyping of character was rather effective, as was your use of sporadic descriptive pieces.

I hope that I have helped!

Have a great one!

Hey zerkk! I said I would get around to this after November so here I am. You have quite a lot of good reviews here, so I'll second what has been said and just add a few thoughts of my own, okay?

Like Yoda said, the voice of the narrator here is the real attraction. Your narrator has a very distinct and engaging voice, a giant plus sign on this piece of yours. Stick with that pesky narrator; he or she is spicing up everything you write.

That said, this really needs a few proofreads. There were a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in this piece. I don't want to be a grammar police and hunt down everything. You can PM me if you want me to and I can use the comments application in Word to do that if you desire, but I think it's best if you learn to proofread on your own. Those errors are the largest thing detracting from this right now in my opinion.

And, aside from what has been said, I have one more nitpick:

She lays (lies) alone, in the damp and musty hospital room 3712. Her mind racing but her body resembling that of which a person would resemble if they were in a deep comatose state. Her eyes pinpointed on one specific yellow water stain on the dusty ceiling tiles. The room is many years to (too) old, the stench of formaldihide (formaldehyde) now acustomed in her black lungs.

My un-spelling related nitpicks are in red. First, the sentence in red. It sounds awkward and repetitive, so play with the wording a little bit. Second, the word in red. I just want to question the word choice here; I think you could come up with something a little more grotesque.

All in all, a lovely piece, zerkk! I would be delighted to read more. Nice job, keep writing and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.