A Whispered Secret - Preface

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PREFACE

I wasn’t aware of the dark forest behind me. Wasn’t aware of the waves crashing against rocks in the distance. Wasn’t aware of the rain pouring down on me. I wasn’t aware of anything. All I could see was his dark, becharming eyes. They were captivating. Dark black lashes framing beautiful gray irises that dimmed as they went until they faded into a pitch black. I wanted to look away from the dark one’s horrifying eyes, but I couldn’t. He extended one finger and beckoned me to come forward; toward him. He wanted me to approach him so he could do whatever vile, torturous thing it was he wanted to do to me. A small part of my sub-conscious knew what he wanted. He wanted to kill me. He wanted to kill me and my friends. My knuckles tightened at the thought.
It was then I realized my hands weren’t empty. My hands were clutching somebody else’s hand in each. I finally broke my gaze away from the dark one’s eyes and glanced to my left. Sage’s frightened expression almost hurt. It was torture to see the pure fear cast upon her beautiful face. On her shoulder I saw pixie-sized Davin, his bright green eyes shut tight, hoping to have this over soon. Hoping that we could all just die now; hoping to end this torture. On my left shoulder sat Mysteria, her beautiful eyes teary, her flawless face marred with pain. On my right shoulder sat Jadin, her fairy-like body laying on me, cringing her face into my neck, avoiding the face of the killer. My right hand was clutching to Vanessa’s, her face was a mixture of emotions. Pain, sorrow, sadness, worry, and odd enough, anger. That was the most identifiable emotion on her martyred expression. On her left shoulder was Kerina, her jet black curls framing her sorrowful face. Her eyes were closed, tears flowing down her bright cheeks. We were all here, lined up to die.
I didn’t want it to end this way, all of us being murdered, leaving Ranna to be ruled by the wretched murderer himself. He lurched forward into a crouch, ready to spring… ready to attack…
I awoke, frantic and startled.
“Oh!” I gasped, trying to shake off the memory. Was this a dream, or was God warning me about what was to come? I couldn’t seem to get rid of the horrifying image in my head that I’d dreamt about. I couldn’t shake away the memory of his frightening, pitch black eyes. I couldn’t forget the fact that they were completely horrid, yet so hard to look away from. I fumbled for my phone, which read 3:17 A.M. I rolled over to the edge of my small bed and tried to go back to sleep. I was having trouble falling back asleep. It could have been because the bright, full moon was directly outside my window, permitting it to shine directly in my eyes, but most likely, it was because I was afraid.
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” - Henry David Thoreau
...Do things to the beat of your own drum. ♥




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Hey Random! I haven't really reviewed a lot on YWS lately because I couldn't find something that caught my attention enough, but this did! From the first sentence you draw the reader in. I like all the questions the preface brings up. It holds a lot of promise for what is to come.

Something I noticed is that you use repetition a lot.

I wasn’t aware of the dark forest behind me. Wasn’t aware of the waves crashing against rocks in the distance. Wasn’t aware of the rain pouring down on me. I wasn’t aware of anything.


I couldn’t seem to get rid of the horrifying image in my head that I’d dreamt about. I couldn’t shake away the memory of his frightening, pitch black eyes. I couldn’t forget the fact that they were completely horrid, yet so hard to look away from.


Although repetition like this is effective, I think you should try not to use it too much in such a short period. I think it was more appropriate in the first paragraph rather than the last. So maybe you might consider changing that last paragraph. But of course, this is just my opinion and you don't have to change it if you don't agree. :)

On my left shoulder sat Mysteria, her beautiful eyes teary, her flawless face marred with pain. On my right shoulder sat Jadin, her fairy-like body laying on me, cringing her face into my neck, avoiding the face of the killer.


This is okay, but it just kind of bothered me having both sentences start out with "On my left/right shoulder". The second time you use it I think you could leave out shoulder so it would say, "On my left shoulder sat Mysteria, her beautiful eyes teary, her flawles face marred with pain. On my right sat . . ."

Also, from this little piece I still didn't know if your MC was a boy or a girl. It seems like you meticulously described everybody but the MC, so when I was reading the person was kind of just like this shadow in the scene I was picturing. So maybe add in some of his or her description?

Overall I really liked this piece. I thought it was intriguing. My favorite line of the whole thing?

On her shoulder I saw pixie-sized Davin, his bright green eyes shut tight, hoping to have this over soon.


I just love that you have little pixie-sized people! It made me smile when I read that (you know, even though they're about to die and all). Your writing style is very beautiful and I really want to read on to figure out how your MC gets onto that cliff, if they ever do.

Good luck with this! I'll be keeping my eye out for the rest. :D
"Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds."
-Gordon B. Hinckley




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First off I'm very excited to read more of this, It caught my attention extremely fast!

Nit Picks

He extended one finger and beckoned me to come forward; toward him. He wanted me to approach him so he could do whatever vile, torturous thing it was he wanted to do to me. A small part of my sub-conscious knew what he wanted. He wanted to kill me. He wanted to kill me and my friends. My knuckles tightened at the thought.


"Me" Is used often in this little piece, I'm not sure but it seems like this could be filled out a bit more and maybe remove some of the "me" and replace them with more filling details.

That is honestly about it, I really enjoyed this bit and I am looking forward to reading more of it! Please PM me if you need help! I would love to assist!

I am great with character creation ;)

-zerkk
"When then going gets weird, the weird turn Pro." - Hunter S. Thompson

"when all else fails and you can't extend a story, Ingest large amounts of hallucinogens or create a long lost brother" -- Zerkk

Demeter!




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airbear320 wrote:Also, from this little piece I still didn't know if your MC was a boy or a girl. It seems like you meticulously described everybody but the MC, so when I was reading the person was kind of just like this shadow in the scene I was picturing. So maybe add in some of his or her description?

Sorry, I'm new...what's an MC?

-Rach

Oh nevermind, main character. I explain in the first chapter all about the MC. The preface was just to give the readers a litle snippet, so they have to read more in order to find out stuff. First chapter will be out shortly :)
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” - Henry David Thoreau
...Do things to the beat of your own drum. ♥




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omg! this is so awesome! i loved the description and how she saw all her friends in pain, it almost made me cry , i totally like felt for them. and the dream, it was so unexpected, I was like "wow!" and was so glad to that nothing was going to happen to the MC. and the message from God part was so touching, i know if this were real God would want to help her in any way. Jesus loves us for a reason!

isn't pink font so cool? Its like teh best thing ever! :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant:

pink elephants are so cuuuute to!
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'Matthew 22:37



'Like' and 'equal' are two entirely different things.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time