09/23/09

You haunt my life,
living within the creases of my bones.
Your words echo in my ears,
like i heard them a second ago.

Your unattainable lips,
meet mine.
Taking my breath,
sealing the wound.

I open my eyes to the buzzer,
those lies float away.
With beauty herself,
luna.

With no lips for my own to meet,
i feel my palms,
are the sole reason,
i don't scream.

No matter dead or alive,
we are clearly dead.
The red fragments pulsing in your palm,
are proof.

Solemnly, i walk,
down another road.
If i turn my head back,
will i meet your eyes
and heartbreaks end?

haha i am proud to be your first reviewer.. sort of.. because i suck at this haha...

but i think i'd be better if you broke it up.. i don't know if you did or not.. YWS is werid for me... but anyways... it was pretty okay i didn't like it all that much... it didn't move past the heart break and on to how it effected you after not just during...but other than that it was good...write again..and make sure you post...i wouldn't mind reading another...

I am your second reviewer? Oh goodness yay!
Well my dear, welcome to YWS and just so you know, PM me at any time for a review or go to my review thread in the WRFF (Will Review For Food)

Well now, onto the review quickly before I have to run off and do my homework!

This is a cute little poem, a great for your first post Nice job. But it is a little bit cliche. The wording is nicely done but the subject itself is nothing new. People tend to default to heartbreak, love poems but it doesn't have to be your default, it could just be what you like to write! I, personally love to write war poems, and you could just enjoy these kind of things.

One thing that makes a major difference is vocabulary. Using words and phrases not usually connected to love but connecting it yourself make a poem a million times more interesting. Also spelling mistakes! They're an easy fix here When you post click the 'check spelling' button in the top right corner of your screen.

Why you should avoid spelling errors/grammar errors? Well because they are distracting and make the poem seem a little careless and amateur even if they are the smallest of things so I'll be your spell check button today and I'll be adding in a few ideas for you. Do with them what you will. (all fixed words are in bold and all other suggestions in italics)

You haunt my life,
living within the creases of my bones.
Your words echo in my ears,
like I heard them seconds ago.

Your unattainable lips,
meet mine.
Taking my breath,
sealing the wound.

I open my eyes to the buzzer,
those lies float away.
With beauty herself,
Luna.

With no lips for my own to meet,
Why doI feel my palms,
are the sole reason,
I do not scream?

No matter if I am dead or alive,
we, together are clearly dead.
The red fragments pulsing in your palm,
The very proof.

Solemnly, I walk,
down another road.
If I turn my head back,
will I meet your eyes
and heartbreak's awaited end?

There you go my dear. Biggest spelling mistake: 'i'. No no no! 'I' is always capitalized.
The italics stuff are my add-ins/ suggestions to change. It is your choice if you want to change them or not, take them or leave them if you want.

Hope I helped, PM for anything whatsoever and I hope you enjoy your time on YWS.

Kamas