A Pondering Moment

A glance
A blink
My heart leaps with suprise
As I suddenly realise
That he, once the boy
is now a young man

With eyes that search
For yours, and twinkle when
They find them

A smile that could
Fell any foe of sadness
Fear or anger with its rays

Neck and shoulders that
Can now support life’s cares
And dreams and plans

A stomach that is the very
Way to his heart if you can
Cook delicacies to satisfy him

Legs and feet to willingly run
The race to win you first
To hastily ask for your heart
Before it is stolen away

When did this happen?
This coming of youth
It was but a day ago
Since he was playing
In the shallows of
Childhood water
And now he has taken
The step into the deep end
And I’ll wait for him
At the end of the race...

*****************

What do you think?
I hope its not cliche
Comments would be appreciated

wow, i really like it.

i liked the bit where you went

Bonie_Bee wrote: Legs and feet to willingly run
The race to win you first
To hastily ask for your heart
Before it is stolen away

the imagery of him racing to capture the girls heart first is pretty cool.

there's not much really for me to say, i don't think i would change a thing


have a nice day
bluecows

Thanks, Bluecows I'm glad you like it.

Anyone else want to comment?

It was cool for what it was...

One comment though.

"It was but a day ago
Since he was playing
In the shallows of
Childhood water
And now he has taken
The step into the deep end
And I’ll wait for him
At the end of the race... "

I was still back there in the water, when it jumped to the picture of a marathon or something. :-s
I would have kept the last couple lines in keeping with the water theme
Other than that, thumbs up

-Amice-

Thanks, Amice!!!

Very Elizabeth Barret Browning.

Ieatworms wrote:Very Elizabeth Barret Browning.

Right....and who might she be? lol....I'll take it as a compliment though

One word Fantastic

Thanks, Tazy! I'm glad you like it

Lovely, wholesome little diddy about adolescence, hmm? I enjoyed it, and you tackled the subject without having to delve into the angst and loneliness factor that would have made this poem cliche as you feared. Thankfully, you centered on other details and that leaves your poem meaningful and concice, I liked it very much!

Ya know, Boni.. you drive me crazy sometimes. I really likehow you presented this, but.. not the prsentation. Now, as you asked for this.. let's say you're helping me out of an editing slump, mkay?




A glance
A blink hehe, this reminded me of a few lines from Wicked
My heart leaps with surprise
As I suddenly realise that ! oh, idea. take that to the next line, flows better.. and that also takes away the caps from "He" which could have religious connations.. just a thought
He, once the boy, is now
A young man I don't like this part as much.. sounds almost too universal. what made you notice changes in this guy? however, if you want to keep the line, maybe take out "young" and move up to the prvious line.. flows a bit better; less wordy and sucheh, scratch taking out "young" you need it in there. maybe reworking the line somehow? It still is rather awkward.. if you want, we can talk about it (me being a bit-pick? claro! but you asked for it, ) maybe we can come up with something better?

With eyes that search
For yours, and twinkle when
They find them ack! ok, you changed POV here, and I'm not positive it was intentional.. Unless you're talking about your reaction to something someone else is doing, I'd either go with first person, or second person (I think it's second person, had a few intereting debates about that.. but I digresss)

A smile that could
Fell any foe of sadness
Fear or anger with its rays .. ok, I'm thinking about this stanza. the lines feel too short, and thus the line breaks feel awkward. maye if you change it up a bit.. maybe and do something like this..

"A smile that can fell any foe,
fear, anger, or sadness with its [rays]"

not sure I like rays.. analogy to the sun, I take it? maybe another word..

Neck and shoulders that
Can now support life’s cares
And dreams and plans not too sure about this stanza, so I'll leave it

A stomach that is the very
Way to his heart if you can
Cook delicacies to satisfy him ! hehe, you can have fun with this one. I'll leave you to this, though.

Legs and feet to willingly run "too", not "to", I think
The race to win you first
To hastily ask for your heart
Before it is stolen away "it's" over "it is", flows better.. I'm not being anal, I swear!

When did this happen?
This coming of youth
It was but a day ago
Since he was playing
In the shallows of
Childhood water
And now he has taken
The step into the deep end
And I’ll wait for him
At the end of the race... I didn't think I would like the ending, but I find it strangly appropiate. Maybe it's becuase I don't usually read this type of poetry.. but I like it. Hope I helped some, Boni!

i enjoyed this, but for some odd reason i didn't like how you followed every part of his body. it would have been better if, perhaps, you made the body of this poem flow better, picking out the prime targets on him that caused you to notice this prominent change.

Wow, thanks for that, Mesh and xanthan! I appreciate the critiques.

Mesh:

Meshugenah wrote: let's say you're helping me out of an editing slump, mkay?

Ok, glad to know I helped you!

A glance
A blink hehe, this reminded me of a few lines from Wicked

Well...I haven't seen/heard that, so I won't worry about it

As I suddenly realise that ! oh, idea. take that to the next line, flows better.. and that also takes away the caps from "He" which could have religious connations.. just a thought

What do you mean..take it to the next line? Ok, I'll take the caps off. Thanks for pointing that out

He, once the boy, is now
A young man I don't like this part as much.. sounds almost too universal. what made you notice changes in this guy? however, if you want to keep the line, maybe take out "young" and move up to the prvious line.. flows a bit better; less wordy and sucheh, scratch taking out "young" you need it in there. maybe reworking the line somehow? It still is rather awkward.. if you want, we can talk about it (me being a bit-pick? claro! but you asked for it, ) maybe we can come up with something better?

Well, I don't want to add too much, so I think I'll just leave it. But the guy in the poem is a young man, not 30 or so lol But, what do you suggest, anyway?

With eyes that search
For yours, and twinkle when
They find them ack! ok, you changed POV here, and I'm not positive it was intentional.. Unless you're talking about your reaction to something someone else is doing, I'd either go with first person, or second person (I think it's second person, had a few intereting debates about that.. but I digresss)

But it is saying he has eyes that etc.....? Can we just leave it? lol

A smile that could
Fell any foe of sadness
Fear or anger with its rays .. ok, I'm thinking about this stanza. the lines feel too short, and thus the line breaks feel awkward. maye if you change it up a bit.. maybe and do something like this..

"A smile that can fell any foe,
fear, anger, or sadness with its [rays]"

not sure I like rays.. analogy to the sun, I take it? maybe another word..

Ok, I'll move the lines up, but I'll leave the 'rays', because it gives a better picture, I think

Legs and feet to willingly run "too", not "to", I think
The race to win you first
To hastily ask for your heart
Before it is stolen away "it's" over "it is", flows better.. I'm not being anal, I swear!

Lol Mesh, they are willing to run, not too willingly

When did this happen?
This coming of youth
It was but a day ago
Since he was playing
In the shallows of
Childhood water
And now he has taken
The step into the deep end
And I’ll wait for him
At the end of the race... I didn't think I would like the ending, but I find it strangly appropiate. Maybe it's becuase I don't usually read this type of poetry.. but I like it. Hope I helped some, Boni!

Thanks so much for that, Mesh! I'm glad you liked the ending. Yes, that was lots of help, so thanks for taking the time to do it

Xanthan: Thanks, but I like it how it is. I can see how it would be a bit confusing, but it would make the poem a bit too short if I did that?

Lol Mesh, they are willing to run, not too willingly

heavens above, I can't read! hehe.

Let me see.. first stanza.

you have A glance
A blink
My heart leaps with surprise
As I suddenly realise that
He, once the boy, is now
A young man

I was thinking something like this..
A glance
A blink
My heart leaps with suprise
As I suddenly realise
That he, once the boy
is now [ ]
well, that's as far as I can take it. maybe for the last line something like "is no longer such a child?" ick, nevermind, that's not right at all.. but something that implies growing up without saying such directly.

You like "rays"? Keep it! I'm just suggesting! it does fit, I'm just wondering if there's a stronger word you could use.. that's all.

As for the second stanza.. the eyes one. Actually.. throughout the entire poem. You go from first person, to second, and then back to first.. it's find as is, but I'm a nit-pick, and was thinking you could pick one, and stick with it. I would go with second person, pesonally.. but that's me. I won't say anything about "twinkle" or the idea I had to replace that ("twinkle" is a bit trite, but that's more me than anyything, I think..).

I do believe that's everything.. glad I could help!

Thanks Mesh I agree with the first stanza correction.
Ok, what is your suggestion instead of twinkle? It is a bit of a childish word, I agree...so do you have anything better? lol