Flames

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Flame

"Help!" they howled.

"What's going on." one child sobbed.

"I'm burning! I'm burning!" the maths teacher shrieked, as she died.

I could hear the cries of the kids even over the shrill scream of alarms that drilled deafeningly into my ears.

"Someone please help!" cried a faded voice as it was drowned away by the devastation.

The thick fog of smoke clouded my vision and choked me as it filled my lungs. I desperately tried to break down the classroom door with all the strength that was draining from my burnt body. I needed to get out. I needed to escape. I was standing in a chaos strewn room. A room that was filled with the flaming corpses of my dead friends.

"How in hell had I survived the explosion?" I thought to myself. It hadn't been like the movies where everyone managed to survive, oh this was no movie.

Within, what I imagine, must have been three seconds in which the ball of fire filled the classroom, I managed to see the skin of my best friend's face vanish off the bone, my girlfriend, Hannah, arm's and leg's fly off of her, and my chemistry teacher catch alight and burn to death on the floor.

The classroom lay in utter destruction. Well the one I was standing in now was. The floor of the classroom I was originally in had caved and crashed into this one. Crashed straight down into what any man could mistake for hell.

I kicked the door and it finally opened, straight into a storage cupboard. My heart sunk. My body was about to give up. My mind was inches away from the border of insanity.

Another massive explosion sounded behind me, sending me flying onto the rubble floor. I coughed and slowly picked myself up. I shifted around to see the opposite wall of the room had blown through. This was my chance. I staggered over the rubble and bodies and through the hole into another room. The only difference was this room’s door was open. I collapsed, through it, into the school corridor that I had walked casually down ,and usually hand in hand with Hannah, everyday. The exit door was at the other end. I had to make a break for escape. I pushed my exhausted body to the limit and even though it hurt to run, I was too afraid of death. I got to my feet and just as I had started to sprint, another explosion sent me flying face first into the wall. Flames reached at me from every direction stroking at my charred skin. The heat was unbearable, I couldn’t open my eyes in fear of them melting.

I lay dazed on the sizzling floor, staring up at the crumbling ceiling. "This is hell." I muttered.

The stench of death hung in the smoky air. The screech of the fire alarm intermingled with the explosions. The distant background cries of the dying children would haunt my dreams forever.

I rolled away from the embers. My heart pounded furiously in my chest. I crawled ever so slowly to my feet, hands passing over the scorching surface of the debris, my mind in a haze of madness and my sight a sea of smoke, clouding my vision.

I walked, in too much pain to run, down what was left of this haunted hallway. Burning embers reaching for me from every side, mysterious shadows shifted in the smog, the smell of burnt flesh tightened the muscles of my stomach and I could now feel the skin of the back of my head and neck peeling off the bone. Tears ran down my black and sooty face. Blood ran down my spine in a crimson river and my hair was falling out in brown bunches.

The ceiling caved in behind me. If I hadn't of moved when I did, I would be with my friends. I could hear the ground giving way above. Rubble rained down on me. The heat of the floor was starting to melt through the soles of my shoes. I could taste fragments of debris in my mouth. But I could smell the fresh heavenly air wafting into this hell from outside. The sweet sight of light sent a wave of hope straight to my broken heart. And as I, step by step, came closer to escape, warding off the fiery touch of the devil as he felt for me, my heart grew stronger.

I could feel the ground touch my socks, and burn straight through. I battled on, it was like walking inside an oven. A chunk of floor fell with a thud onto my skull from above. My eyesight blurred, the hallway spun in front of me, I battled on. The left wall exploded sending me flying into the right one. I collapsed onto the floor. I watched as the light slowly turned to black as the last of the fight was taken away from me. My body gave out. I was doomed.

----

I woke up, somewhere and somehow, to the incessant sound of a feeble heart. It took me a slow moment or two to realise that this was my own weak heartbeat. I struggled under the weight of my own eyelids to open them, a bright white light veiled my vision and sent sick bolts of pain into my forehead. I tried to move some of my frame but each time I made the mistake of attempting this act the scars, ghosts of the hell that I Burdened, stopped me in my movements. Another sound now, one to which I had only been familiar with from television, beeped monotonously into my ears. This and the sure smell of anaesthetic made me all too certain that I now lay motionless in a hospital bed. The nightmare had been a reality. The wounds I wore were real. Everyone was dead.
I could feel tears rising as I woke to a room full of doctors and nurses, but no friends. I was alone.

"Why did I start that fire?" I cried. "Why?"
Last edited by rlw92 on Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Whoa, that was dark. Great start though, it hooks the reader and especially this ending:
"Why did I start that fire?" I cried. "Why?"

Post more soon because this is going to drive me crazy! :mrgreen:
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)




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Hey! I'm Trish, and I'll be your second reviewer! So let's begin. (Just beware that I'm a grammar freak, so there may be a lot of nit-picks.) But here we go!

Nit-Picks

"What's going on." one child sobbed.


Should be a question mark after 'on'.

the maths teacher shrieked, as she died.


Awkward: icky. Nobody likes an icky sentence. Try rewording.

cried a faded voice as it was drowned away by the devastation.


Should be fading not faded.

I desperately tried to break down the classroom door with all the strength that was draining from my burnt body.


Ack... more ickyness.

The thick fog of smoke clouded my vision and choked me as it filled my lungs. I desperately tried to break down the classroom door with all the strength that was draining from my burnt body. I needed to get out. I needed to escape. I was standing in a chaos strewn room. A room that was filled with the flaming corpses of my dead friends.


Too many I this and I that's. It's sort of killing your description, which is bad. I can see that you're trying to describe it, which is good, but when you have awkward sentences and stuff like this, it kills it. Not good.

It hadn't been like the movies where everyone managed to survive, oh this was no movie.


Icky.

Within, what I imagine, must have been three seconds in which the ball of fire filled the classroom, I managed to see the skin of my best friend's face vanish off the bone, my girlfriend, Hannah, arm's and leg's fly off of her, and my chemistry teacher catch alight and burn to death on the floor.


Why is this all one sentence? Beware of the run-on's! It increases the ickyness! Just split that up and maybe reword it a bit as well.

Well the one I was standing in now was. The floor of the classroom I was originally in had caved and crashed into this one.


:(

I kicked the door and it finally opened, straight into a storage cupboard. My heart sunk. My body was about to give up. My mind was inches away from the border of insanity.


Gah... Icky and repetitive. Make sure you try to get different sentence starters so it's not as repetitive.

Another massive explosion sounded behind me, sending me flying onto the rubble floor. I coughed and slowly picked myself up. I shifted around to see the opposite wall of the room had blown through. This was my chance. I staggered over the rubble and bodies and through the hole into another room. The only difference was this room’s door was open. I collapsed, through it, into the school corridor that I had walked casually down ,and usually hand in hand with Hannah, everyday. The exit door was at the other end. I had to make a break for escape. I pushed my exhausted body to the limit and even though it hurt to run, I was too afraid of death. I got to my feet and just as I had started to sprint, another explosion sent me flying face first into the wall. Flames reached at me from every direction stroking at my charred skin. The heat was unbearable, I couldn’t open my eyes in fear of them melting.


This whole paragraph is too long and clunky. It can easily be split up. Also, there are a lot of icky sentences in there.

The stench of death hung in the smoky air. The screech of the fire alarm intermingled with the explosions. The distant background cries of the dying children would haunt my dreams forever.


Needs different sentence starters.

I rolled away from the embers. My heart pounded furiously in my chest. I crawled ever so slowly to my feet, hands passing over the scorching surface of the debris, my mind in a haze of madness and my sight a sea of smoke, clouding my vision.

I walked, in too much pain to run, down what was left of this haunted hallway. Burning embers reaching for me from every side, mysterious shadows shifted in the smog, the smell of burnt flesh tightened the muscles of my stomach and I could now feel the skin of the back of my head and neck peeling off the bone. Tears ran down my black and sooty face. Blood ran down my spine in a crimson river and my hair was falling out in brown bunches.


Ickyness.

And as I, step by step, came closer to escape, warding off the fiery touch of the devil as he felt for me, my heart grew stronger.


Run-on.

I could feel the ground touch my socks, and burn straight through. I battled on, it was like walking inside an oven. A chunk of floor fell with a thud onto my skull from above. My eyesight blurred, the hallway spun in front of me, I battled on. The left wall exploded sending me flying into the right one. I collapsed onto the floor. I watched as the light slowly turned to black as the last of the fight was taken away from me. My body gave out. I was doomed.


Even more repetitiveness. Try not to say stuff like 'I battled on' more than once. It's already a bit of a cliche, and you just make it worse by repeating it.

I woke up, somewhere and somehow, to the incessant sound of a feeble heart. It took me a slow moment or two to realise that this was my own weak heartbeat. I struggled under the weight of my own eyelids to open them, a bright white light veiled my vision and sent sick bolts of pain into my forehead. I tried to move some of my frame but each time I made the mistake of attempting this act the scars, ghosts of the hell that I Burdened, stopped me in my movements. Another sound now, one to which I had only been familiar with from television, beeped monotonously into my ears. This and the sure smell of anaesthetic made me all too certain that I now lay motionless in a hospital bed. The nightmare had been a reality. The wounds I wore were real. Everyone was dead.

I could feel tears rising as I woke to a room full of doctors and nurses, but no friends. I was alone.


More awkwardness. Also, you have some capitals that are unnecessary.

That's it for the nit-picks. Now let's move on to the overall.

Overall

Overall, I think that this is a very good start, even though there are so many awkward sentences and such.

As I said before, you have good description in there, but it gets killed by the awkward sentences and repetitiveness. Remember to reword some stuff, and you'll be fine.

I can't wait to see what happens next, and I will keep a look out for your next installment. Good luck and keep writing! See you around!

~ Trish :smt006
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler
I lost the game.

"I always hear punch me in the face when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext."
~ Dr. John Watson




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The story was very good, although it was a little bit dark. I saw a few spelling errors, and a lot of "dead" sentences. You should go over your sentences and your story will be perfect. Please post some more! If there is more . . .
:D EonSoul




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Awesome story. I almost cried at the ending. :oops: :cry: :lol: I am very sensitive when it comes to this stuff.. Anyways, it's a good story. I found a few spots of grammar and spelling mistakes but overall it's great. Love it. :smt001
"People are afraid to die, but are also afraid to live."

[•_•]
robot fayce




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Wow. This was really heavy. It has a powerful message, and you deliver it really really well. And I mean that. Your description was heart-wrenching at times. Sometimes there was maybe a little too much, but that's a nothing criticism. It was fabulous.
You just have a few phrasing and grammar issues, and I'll highlight a few (since I've seen a nitpicker has already visited above :D )

"What's going on." one child sobbed.

Your opening is fantastic! It throws the reader straight into the action, which a great hook. Just here though, you need a comma, not a full-stop.


"How in hell had I survived the explosion?" I thought to myself. It hadn't been like the movies where everyone managed to survive, oh this was no movie.

Hmmm. Wouldn't the character be thinking in the present tense? -
""How the hell have I survived this explosion?" I thought to myself. It hadn't been like in the movies, where everyone managed to survive somehow; oh, this was no movie."
That final bit - "oh, this was no movie" - was wonderfully sardonic, but you really need that semi-colon in there before it, and that extra comma just adds some emphasis.


Within, what I imagine, must have been three seconds in which the ball of fire filled the classroom, I managed to see the skin of my best friend's face vanish off the bone, my girlfriend, Hannah, arm's and leg's fly off of her, and my chemistry teacher catch alight and burn to death on the floor.

Here: "Within what must have been three seconds, in which the ball of fire filled the classroom, I managed to see the skin of my best friend's face vanish off the bone; [or comma, either really] my girlfriend, Hannah's, arms and legs fly off her and my chemistry teacher set alight and burn to death on the floor."


"This is hell." I muttered.

"This is hell,"

All in all, wow. Just wow.
~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company



I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights