Birthing Complications

Birthing Complications

If named Alice would she wander
and never find her home again,
lost in dreams on lullaby planes,
forever falling down the rabbit hole.
Well that's no child for me.
But perhaps the rabbit,
pretty, perky Peter rabbit
with his bunny soft skin.
Hippety hoppety Peter
with his cheeky smile,
the boy in green.
The boy who never grew up
nor learnt his manners,
would slouch at table,
forget to brush, brush, brush -
No! Not Alice or Peter, oh no!

Perhaps dainty Daisy with her white petticoats,
her sunny face always happy to greet me,
always – nae! - happy to greet anyone,
fickle, frivolous, easy Daisy
ready to be plucked
by any boy, man, monster!
Better she be Holly and much too prickly,
prick your finger on my daughter -
don't you touch her!
But alas, what about those
hugs and kisses, rock-a-bye
baby on mother's lap,
how I'd miss those!
No! Not Daisy or Holly, oh no!

Better it be Charles, loyal, faithful,
side by side mother and son.
Fetch the oil lamp, Charlie,
that's wrong, no not that,
oh Charlie it's this one!
Don't snap at strangers, Charlie,
don't steal, don't whine.
Oh dear, oh this won't do.
No! Not Charles, oh no!

I find I'm quite out of names
though these are just a few
but at every thought, every kick
of the imagination
there's an obstacle to work through!
How awful, how horrid,
better they have no name
and I won't forget it
with baby on the way.

_________________

Had to write a list poem for my writing class and then I was asked to read out and they seemed to like it but I have a feeling I'll get more honest criticisms from you guys <333

This was good - no, great!

I love the concept of it, and how funny it was. XD

The beat for me was practically non-existent, but that didn't stop me from loving every moment of reading it - it's truly a very good poem, and one I can relate to (never had a baby, but for me, my characters are my babies, and I always have such a hard time naming them...)

The parts that have the "no, not --, oh no!" (insert name where indicated) - those I found both truly hilarious, and truly confusing. They always made me lose the beat of the poem. literally every time.

But this was still a great poem.

~B-Cat

I loved it! It was delightful, how you brought Peter Pan and Alice in Wonderland, it was so nice, such a nice poem. I do have to admit that the name kinda scared me, but other then that, it was an enjoyable poem.

Heather! Really nice to see a poem of your's again.

I must say that it's really nice to see a refreshingly simple list poem on here. I enjoyed the conversational monologuish touches peppering the poem and appreciated that you at least allowed the depth of fairy tale names to come in at the beginning.

A few suggestions (keeping in mind that I'm not sure about any extra constraints on list poems)--
1)You could have used few more children's story names or at least picked up some more striking details (both Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan have many more interesting facets than just the main themes). Of course, you'd risk the loss of the simplicity.

2)The idea of a mother trying to figure out a name for her children, as you must have realised, has a much wider scope than it seems to have. There are some little tricks you could have used to make it more interesting...perhaps make it only slowly apparent that the names being considered are for children, perhaps make it appear like the names were for something else...ermmm. Frankly, you could do with a better resolution, and some kind of realisation was what I was thinking of.

3)Alright, I know I said I appreciated the conversational asides you used, but I am beginning to find the voice a little too lacking in the struggle of the idea involved. And while thinking of monologues like Prufrock and Browning's poems and Maud and stuff...all of which could easily include a little list- surely, there's something you can do to make the voice a little more interesting, perhaps a little more eccentric.

I'm sorry- I find my above review a little lacking in coherence. Perhaps it's that a list poem comes with an inherent flaw and I can't see myself writing one in a hurry, or perhaps it's that I just think the poem can maintain its simple tone without having to be simply a list with visceral associations.

Best of luck with whenever you have to do any baby naming !! And thanks a lot for the read.

The Plant.

Yay!

Ahem. Hi Kit.I enjoyed this, as usual, nice and fresh.

The beginning is great, very interesting, really drew me in. I'd suggest a question mark after "hole", or else change it to "she would". I think that may be interesting actually, make it more direct, and I think that it would strengthen the image.

I think "lullaby planes" is too much, so I'd try to simplify it.

I'd add commas after "skin" and "green" as I think the existing sentences aren't quite whole, and then if you were to read this aloud you'd inevitably end up somewhat breathless and I think that that would add to the mother's mounting distress.

I'd change "white petticoats" to something more every-day, and I'd change;
"her sunny face always happy to greet me"
but that could just be me resisting purely happy imagery!

I love;
"fickle, frivolous, easy Daisy
ready to be plucked
by any boy, man, monster!
Better she be Holly and much too prickly,
prick your finger on my daughter -
don't you touch her."

I love the tone of the next stanza, but I'd change the oil lamp to something more modern as I don't think setting this in the past really adds anything, except perhaps a vague sense of artificiality, if you don't mind my saying so.

I think "but at every thought, every kick
of the imagination"
is too long, and I'm not sure the addition of rhyme does much for you here.

Hope this helps.

Jas