Crevice

This will be the first poem of mine posted here, at YWS:

Her tears of ice
Raining down upon the tide
As midnight falls
The depths of the ocean grow oh so wide

And yet they sleep
Knowledge indiscrete as the cold winds blow
The glares of all
Slowly seeping into the never-ending flow

Will ever the time come
Shall one rise and light up the deep
To find a way
And cradle the tears of those who weep

This is good!

I had a problem with finding the rhythm, or beat, to it. It just wasn't a very clear one. However, some of the rhyming was great! Whereas other parts of it... not so great.

Take this part, for example:

Her tears of ice
Raining down upon the tide
As midnight falls
The depths of the ocean grow oh so wide

The rhyming with "tide" and "wide" was excellent. But the "oh so" part just sort of ruined the entire feel to it. Therefore making it far less dramatic then it could have been otherwise.

Another example:

And yet they sleep
Knowledge indiscrete as the cold winds blow
The glares of all
Slowly seeping into the never-ending flow

Once again, the bolded words "blow" and "flow" really work well together. Basically the only problem with this one is that "sleep" somewhat rhymes with "indiscrete" - which throws the reader off balance, and possibly cause them to lose the beat of the poem (I know it did for me).

Hope that helps a bit more!

And YAY!!! First review!

~B-Cat

Firstly, thanks a lot for replying! I completely agree with you with the "oh so" part of the poem. It felt off for me as well, but I felt like throwing it out there to see what other people think. And I didn't really notice the partial rhyming of "sleep" and "indiscreet"!

Thanks for bringing these things to mind!

Hey, hey

Her tears of ice
Raining down upon the tide.
As midnight falls
The depths of the ocean grow oh so wide. Also, I think maybe take the "oh". It just sounds better

And yet they sleep,
Knowledge indiscrete as the cold winds blow.
The glares of all
Slowly seeping into the never-ending flow.

Will ever the time come?
Shall one rise and light up the deep I think this sounds better? That one shall rise and light up the deep
To find a way
And cradle the tears of those who weep.

Your last line is fantastic, really. This is a very good poem. It grips your attention and has meaning, which is great considering it's a short poem. Well done

~^~Chelsea~^~

Thanks, Chelsea! I like the revisions you made to it.

Raven,
This was interesting. Maybe I'm looking too deeply into it all but this made me think. I had to think and figure out what you meant by it. But I liked it.
Good job and keep writing(:

-Rena.

Ooh. I like it. Very classic. Very smooth. It sounds almost like one of those 1700s era poems. Fabulous! (Yeah, sorry...we're studying poetry in my English class right now, from history to structure to all the different types and the list goes on and on for MILES! Ugh... ) But anyway, it sounds really good. I like the image you build in it, with that tone of helplessness. Great job!