With a Dying Breath (PG-13) (edited)

I'm new at the whole poetry thing, but I hope you like it

Love Lost

You shove me away, my back against a wall
I have no one to turn to, though I cry out to all
Like most struggles in life, it turns into a war
The only difference is, I lost what I am fighting for


When I shout out your name, will you answer my call?
When I stumble on the hard road, will you let me fall?
I hope that you will love me, keep me in your heart
So we will never ever be torn apart


Inside my heart is dying, my soul is crying out
He only turns his back and answers with a shout
"Leave me be, let me go, go find some other man,
Woman can't you see, I'm not part of your plan?"


My body flinches back, my heart tears at his words
I answer back with crying voice as my vision starts to blur
"But you are, oh don't you know, you are my only life,
But by pushing me away, you cause me so much strife"


He shrugs with no apparent care, hatred fills his gaze
"Should I care?", his coldness knocks me into a daze
He turns and starts to leave, not even one glance back
My knees tremble and shake, my body starts to wrack


I reach beneath my coat, pull out a gleaming knife
I turn it toward my heart and prepare to take my life
With a flash, knife plunges down, cutting into my breast
My body shudders and collapses as I call out with dying breath


"I'll love you forever, for all of my days,
With my last dying breath, I'll call out your name
When I get into Heaven, I hope to see your face,
So I can spend all eternity, in your sweet embrace"


He turns back at my cry to see my body dead
He rushes back, kneels by my side, and slowly bows his head
Tears fall off his face, his body shaking badly
He gets to his feet and carefully picks up my body


He cradles me in his arms, his tears in my hair
"I was lying," he whispers gently, "I really did care"
"You are my only love, my only true desire,
But now all my hopes and dreams, are burned in a fire"


He turns and walks down the path, weeping as he went
His body shaking softly now, his tears soon all are spent
His lips touch mine in soft touch, the promise I now caught
"Here is how I feel, here is what I thought"

"I'll love you forever, for all of my days,
With my last dying breath, I'll call out your name,
When I get into Heaven, I hope to see your face,
So I can spend all eternity in your sweet embrace"

Wow! I'm new to this too and I'm a bit nervous and your poem was the first I read on this site. It was simply stunning.
You make it so vivid and clear.
My heart aches for the lovers.

All the best.

Hi.
I really liked the poem. You have a steady rhythm to your poetry, but you should add either commas or periods at the end of each line.

Kayay123 wrote:Inside my hear it dying

Inside my heart is dying

Kayay123 wrote:My keens tremble and shake

Knees, not keens

Kayay123 wrote:With a flash, knife plunges down, cutting into my breast
My body shudders and collapses as I call out with dying breath

With a flash, the knife plunges down, cutting into my breast
My body shudders and collapses as I call out with a dying breath.

I'm glad I'm over 13!!!:D

You definitely have magic fingers, if this is your beginning with poetry I cant wait to see the end. Your work is really good. please hold on to poetry. It loves you!!!

I must admit that something in particular turned me off though. The fact that you had no stanzas. It wasn't necessary for it to be all together. Some separation will have made it lovelier and more attractive to read.

Also you wrote "hear it" which I think should be "heart is". I believe it was a grammatical error. Be careful with those you may not notice them, but we have to continually verify that they aren't there.

Lastly, if I may ask, Why do you have two titles? that was sort of confusing for me. I think you should correct that.

Happy writing.

Wow! This is awesome! It's an easy read, tells a very dramatic story, and the rhythm really holds it together. Good work! Its length may appear intimidating, but it doesn't drag at any point, and you've kept the sentence structure simple enough (while still being eloquent) that it doesn't become convoluted and trip up the reader. A few of the rhymes sound forced, and a few of them are cheesy/cliche, so that's something to work on. The dialogue, the quoted portions, are good in some spots and really add substance to the poem. In some places, though, the lines are like a horribly written script from a soap opera set in the '40s.

Keep working on this! You've got a good idea, a great narrative, some good lines and a superb sense of structure and rhythm. Can't wait to see the polished-up version!

-Sophie

Thats really good.
I like how you write and the way that you write is better than most romace writers I've read.
post another soon!

You words flow really well and for a beginner at poetry you have a way with rhyming! The concept of the story is very "Romeo and Juliet," i love it:) keep up the good work!

Love how the poem was told by the one who dies, it was kind of a very cool perspective. It seems like you put a lot of thought in the telling of the story, which makes it interesting yo read. I'm not a fan of long poems because I feel they usually get boring, but I really liked this one.

"
He turns back at my cry to see my body dead
He rushes back, kneels by my side, and slowly bows his head
Tears fall off his face, his body shaking badly
He gets to his feet and carefully picks up my body

He cradles me in his arms, his tears in my hair
"I was lying," he whispers gently, "I really did care"
"You are my only love, my only true desire,
But now all my hopes and dreams, are burned in a fire"

He turns and walks down the path, weeping as he went
His body shaking softly now, his tears soon all are spent
His lips touch mine in soft touch, the promise I now caught
"Here is how I feel, here is what I thought"
"


these were the best lines but I fail to understand that if the boy loved her so much then why did he leave her?
And it's just my own opinion not a criticism that the girl's character is so weak, she doesn't even try to forget or at least convince or wait for him. she straight away takes her life, so dumb and stupid.
all in all this was really nice. I kinda envy you actually coz I never was able to write complex paras of poetry and look at you! you've written them so well.
Well they're not that complex but still more complex than my poems.
Oh well we all have our respective talents. I should probably stick to short stories and you should definitely be writing poetry.
All the best for your future.

Wow, this is really amazing. Keep up the good work
Love the stunning, simple way in which you describe everything.

I liked it! It is very beautiful! Although, I know this is the whole point of your story, to make someone die, but if he loved her, why'd he lie? I guess sometimes you have to lose something to really appreciate it. Good job! I would've never made one of my poems that wonderful.

I love this poem. it is an awesome poem. the message of the poem is a message to spread to the whole world. the flow of the poem is perfect. this poem had a twist at the end which is why many people like poems like this one. I think that you could be a great poet. there isn't much to say that is wrong with it. I say that there is nothing wrong with this poem.

I can't review. Well, not in 250 characters anyway. All I can say is: That was beautiful, awesome, sad, great. And probably a lot of other positive descriptions I can't think of.

First off, I love the poem, it's wonderful. You have a gorgeous writing style, and you conveyed a very powerful and touching story. I really have to applaud you on the approach you took towards such a delicate matter. You provided wonderful imagery that really gave an understanding on how your narrator felt. The only concern I found was that you changed who you're addressing. In the beginning you have "you shove me away" and you keep consistent with the second stanza going into "will you answer my call". However, in the third stanza you make an abrupt switch to addressing "he". "He only turns his back...". "He" works, I would just advise that you keep it consistent throughout the entire poem. Otherwise, I think it's lovely.