Even Though

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Hi Matthew. :D

I'm Kamas, and hopefully you've seen me around. I'm here to review quickly before I get back to my work. :lol:

Now, it is quite cute. Short and simple, it's a cute little piece of work.

Now critique-wise:


Even though we can fight,
and make mistakes.


The first line implies that they have the ability to fight. Not that they fight really. Now, my frenchiness is catching up with me so I'm thinking something more like:

Even though we do fight

I'm not too sure. It sounds like what I would say with a french accent, but it also sounds like it would work. So you be the judge.

Even though we can offend,
and cause our own earthquakes.


The second line is too long, too many syllables. It doesn't sound right when you say it. Since you are rhyming you want it to flow as seamlessly as possible. I suggest cutting out the 'own'.

Even though we can cry,
and want to say goodbye;


Once again, can implies the narrator has the ability to cry. I think 'do' would make a good replacement again, but that's your choice.

Love holds us together,
because love, is what is stronger


Eh. Not so great of an ending. A bit cliche, and seen it everywhere before. Romantic poetry is basically the same thing over and over, so you always want to take a new approach. Try something completely different or take a new view on a cliche topic.

Two things to work on:

1 - Cliches in subject and writing style. Romantic poetry as I said above is cliche, the best poems are the ones that are new and creative. Just wandered through your imagination and I'm sure you'll find an interesting sentence or stanza to work with.

2 - Rhyming poems aren't the greatest. As soon as you begin to rhyme you cut off your endless possibilities. There are only so many words that rhyme with another right? All you need to focus on is flow, no need for a rhyme.

My best tips to solve these:

1 - Read poetry! Plain and simple. The more you educate in what is good or bad poetry the better your poetry will get.

2 - Write something, then read it out loud. If you have the tiniest hint of a pause, hesitation or choppiness. Then there must be something better to put there.
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin

#tnt




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This was a really cute and sweet poem. Sure enough, yes it was short. But that's OK. Not all poems need to be long anyways. Infact I think that the short ones are more effective. So good job. Nice poem and keep it up. If you ever need a review I am happy to help out.
The only true failure, is when you give up. ♥




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Hi Matthew! I'm Kat ^.^

So, I kind of like this. You're wondering why I didn't love it :P I'll tell you. So, I agree with Sakura above, not all poems have to be long - I've seen six lines long poems have more impact than some with twenty lines, but there is something that needs to come across a poem, and is emotion. In this poem, even though the imagery is really good, I didn't really get anything from it. You're writing on a very simple theme, at a first view, that can get complex as we go further into it. And that would be what I'd like to see in this, a bit more of depth. No more even though's, but something more about this. That would help a lot.

Side note: the periods are mostly wrong, because you're going on and on about the same idea. My suggestion would be to try semi-colons ;)

So, good job! Thanks for posting!
- Kat
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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