Dreamer (Temp.)

Hey, this is something I just wrote up one day. I'm hoping to create a novel from it. I hope you like it, and please critique! Thanks so much, guys(:
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The wooden steps creak under my weight. As I make my way up each one, the pain in my stomach grows deeper and I wince. Leave, leave now. Finally, the door faces me. It’s old fashioned, simply made of wood and nothing more. The pain grows once more. Something is bad, very bad. Hesitating slightly, I open the door and it creaks to life.

“Is anyone there?” I call out into the blackness, expecting nothing. The eerie whisper of the wind sends chills down my spine. The only light is a flickering candle near the end of the long hallway. The wind stops, and the door closes with a soft thud. I pivot on my heels, trying to unlock the door. It doesn’t budge. My paranoia starts creating images in my mind, I kick at the door.

“Let me out!” I pound on the door, it still doesn’t budge. I gulp down a breath of air, closing my eyes. When I open them again, I’ve faced back towards the candle.

I can do this. I can do this. I urge, trying to tell myself to simply find another way out. But another part of me just wants to stay just where I was. I take a steady step towards the light, just a small one. I stop. I can’t do this.

You can do anything, Harley Nicole. My grandmother’s voice runs like currents through my mind, piecing off my doubt little by little. I take another step, my sneakers squeak loudly.

“H-H-Harley.” A voice, soft as the wind, whispers. The flicker of the candle threatens to blow out. Vanishing as quickly as it was lit. I close my eyes once more and hope that it didn’t blow out, I open them slowly. Inch by creeping inch I lift my lids to – thankfully – find the candle the same still as it was before. A sigh of relief floods through my mouth.

I come to another door, same as before, no windows just wood. I grab the door knob, it’s warm. As if someone had just touched it. But this house was ancient, no one could possibly know about it. I push it open, hoping nothing lurks from behind it. As quick as I opened the door, it locked close. I keep my calm.

It’s still dark as ever, but a single window’s current billows like a sail as the wind passes by in a cool breeze. The floor beneath me is slick. And I hope that it is just plain old water. I slip and fall, and I feel it’s too thick for water. I get up and run to the moonlight streaming through window, placing my hands under it. It isn’t the cool clear of water, but red. Automatically, I recognize it’s blood. The only thing you hear is my scream, and I can’t remember anything else.

Hey, Evi here! ^^

So, I'm gonna make this short.

My paranoia starts creating images in my mind, I kick at the door.

This is called a comma-splice. You have a couple of these, so I just thought I should point out that that comma after 'mind' needs to be a semi-colon. I have an article on semi-colons in the Knowledge Base under Grammar, ir you want to take a look, but just know that if both phrases on either side of the punctuation are full sentences, you use the semi-colon. (;)

As quick as I opened the door, it locked close.

Locked needs to be 'locks', to keep with your present tense narrative. It's okay for 'opened' to be past, because even in the present it's past (if that makes any sense) but 'locked' needs to be present tense.

This is good! It's well-written, and you've got some nice images. I think the key here would be to add some more scare factor. Right now there's not really enough left to the imagination. Am I saying you're describing too much? No way! I mean that the way you're describing, I think more of your descriptions and images could be more open-ended. Make it seem as if something is terrifying without going out and explaining it it detail. For example:

And I hope that it is just plain old water. I slip and fall, and I feel it’s too thick for water. I get up and run to the moonlight streaming through window, placing my hands under it. It isn’t the cool clear of water, but red. Automatically, I recognize it’s blood.

That bolded sentence is all the explanation we need. Perhaps, instead of what I underlined, which spell out the horror so obviously, go for something a bit more subtle. More menacing. Like:

And I hope that it's just plain old water.

It's not.

It's simple, and it gets the same point across without being painfully blunt. You allow the readers to come to the bloody conclusion themselves. =P Which is good! Give them a little challenge.

So overall a very nice job! Just work on making this as scary as can be. Add creaks and wind, candles blowing out, as much as you can-- and not all of it has to be explained. Also, any metaphors or similes (the wind howled like dying children) would be effective as well. xD

PM me for anything!

~Evi

Hey. Evi gave you a great review, but I figure I'll add my penny's worth anyway. Few nitpicks, and then a general summary.

nothing more. The pain grows once more.

The repetition is unsettling. I think perhaps you could change the second one to "again".

it creaks to life.

You've also used "creak" in that paragraph to describe the wooden steps. It seems a little unoriginal to the reader. You have wooden steps that creak, and now you have a door that creaks. How about "groans"? I don't like "to life" much though, because you can't really "[verb] to life" unless the verb is "brings" or "come". Why not describe the action of opening the door instead? Is there a handle of sorts?

My paranoia starts creating images in my mind, I kick at the door.

Evi mentioned the comma splice. However, I'm not sure about that first sentence at all. It seems a bit too literal. Do you have to tell us quite so literally that she's paranoid?

I can do this. I can do this. I urge, trying to tell myself to simply find another way out. But another part of me just wants to stay just where I was.

I think this needs rewording. That section of thought, in italics, is separate from the rest because of that full stop. How about this? I can do this. I can do this. I try to tell myself to simply find another way out, but another part of me just wants to stay right where I am. The "just where I was" needs changing, because it's a repetition of "just", but also because I think you've slipped tenses. I have no idea what you mean by "where I was".

runs like currents through my mind

Currents of what? Electricity, water? A bit more detail here.

piecing off my doubt little by little

Okay, "piecing" - or "piercing", I can't work out which you mean - is the wrong word here. It doesn't make sense. You can reword this and use something like "my doubt flaked off/away", or just use "fades". "Little by little" is redundant with those words, so you can cut it.

I take another step, my sneakers squeak loudly.

This is another comma splice, but you can change "squeak" to "squeaking" and it can remain as one sentence.

“H-H-Harley.” A voice, soft as the wind, whispers.

Change the full stop after "Harley" to a comma, as a speech tag follows. Also, is the wind really soft in the rest of this piece? I didn't get that impression. I'd change it.

The flicker of the candle threatens to blow out.

The "flicker" can't really blow out. I think you should use "flame", and use a simple adjective like "weak". Or even just "flickering flame".

The flicker of the candle threatens to blow out. Vanishing as quickly as it was lit.

Should all be one sentence, with a comma after "out".

A sigh of relief floods through my mouth.

"Through" is unnecessary, unless you change "floods" to "washes".

I grab the door knob, it’s warm. As if someone had just touched it. But this house was ancient, no one could possibly know about it.

Two comma splices in here.

I keep my calm.

What calm? Your MC has been more than a little panicky through most of this. How about, "I try to keep my cool"?

I agree with Evi that the last paragraph could be summarised, and I like her suggestion.

Well, that's nitpicks done. Now for some general pointers.

Comma splices need to be checked and accounted for, but Evi already talked you through those, so I won't dwell on them.

Be careful with your word choice. A lot of the time you seemed to be repeating things and using the wrong words. Reading your piece aloud will catch all the repetition, and sometimes the odd word that just doesn't feel right. By the "wrong words" I just mean those that don't fit with your flow and makes your writing awkward to read.

I didn't feel really scared. Some more vivid imagery might help here, and less of the clichés of the creaking doors and all that. Try to focus on some aspects of that story that aren't tackled very often. Take a few details out. The door knob could be one, as I mentioned.

Good luck, and keep writing. With a few tweaks, you could have a great piece. PM me anytime with questions.

What I like about this story is that you created tone. Very good, you’ve made the reader feel the story…you perfectly convey the story through the use of diction such as ancient, creak and chills.
Furthermore, you were able to reveal the character’s emotion through her thoughts and her monologue…I like it…its very good

But…where are you?? I get the tone, I get the character but where are you?? I have no clue where you are?/ are you in some old building, are you in a house, where??? This is the problem…you must describe the place or say that you are in a building or something. As well, describe the place. When you mentioned ancient how ancient is the building? Are there cracks in the windows, is the floor destroyed, are there animal skeletons…what?? But it is the setting you must give in detail because without it, the story cannot flow better and the imagery that you’ve work through the diction will be useless.

Other than that…good job!

Hello

I really like the tone of this story, and i was alongside the character.

Just one thing, you tend to use a lot of cliched phrases in your description;

'Wooden steps creaking', 'flickering candle at the end of the long hallway', 'a single window’s current billows like a sail as the wind passes by in a cool breeze'

things like this don't work so well for me. I appreciate what you're trying to convey, but I think some more attention needs to be paid towards these phrases, maybe you can find a more original way to express them. Also, shake things up a bit with your adjectives and verbs and like Evi said, chuck in some metaphors or similies to amp up the scariness.

Like where this has begun and i think you can turn it into something really good. Just drive the terror of you character really hard.

But good one. Keep writing