Chapter 1 the truth

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This is my first attempt be gentle, Chapter 1 the Truth

"I am a great believer in luck. I find the harder I work the more I have of it.” – Stephen Leacock

I used to be an ordinary kid. Life was simple I went to school, hung out with friends, dreamed of girls, never did homework. It was easy that way, but not very exciting, but defiantly manage able. I always dreamed of more, a world of my own where anything was possible. I wanted my dreams to become reality, and they kind of did. Too bad I lost everything I care about in the process.

i] I stood amongst the mists of a battle field, well more of a ruin now. The fires that I know or even more once felt had finally subdued. What was left was nothing but ash and blood. Dead bodies clung to everything, it was a slaughter house, and I stood in the middle of it all. I couldn’t see their faces, but it feels as though I once new them; kind of like some faint memory you’re trying to regain. Time seems oily and tense; everything moves in a fluid motion, flames flicker in and out constantly. I glance to myself; I’m wearing a strange black hooded cloak that connects to the base of my neck with a pair of silver wings strung together by a chain of the same make. I hold a sleek black Katana in my right hand, out of the pommel is black chain with a silvery blue knife strung into its last strip. It feels as if this sword was once great and powerful, know all that’s left is a shell of its former self. As I begin to walk forward I feel darkness close around me with every step. It’s as if my fear is slowly, but steadily growing. I reach the end of a destroyed hall, and turn. In the center of a once vast and beautiful garden now lays a pile of ash, and rock. In the middle sits a throne of black bone, there sits a deformed king sitting in his unrightful place. His face is mangled, and split; half of it is human, the rest is just bone. A translucent black robe covers the rest of him to his feet, in his hand rest a long tilted scythe. He gives off the image of death itself, perhaps now he is. Fear grips me, a whisper from the wind calls out my name “Dante”. A shiver creeps down my spine and to my legs. They jolt forward slowly carrying me to this sinister monster. He smiles as I draw close enough to reach out and touch. He takes the scythe in his hands and slowly starts to raise it. My hands tremble so hard I can’t grip my sword, so it falls to the ground hardly making a sound. I look deep into his face his smile reams with some kind of sinister satisfaction. His eyes are full of malice and hatred. As His scythe reaches the brim of his reach all emotion drains from his face, he is left with nothing because that is exactly what he is. With one final act I begin to call out, but my voice is lost in the swing of the scythe.[/i][/i][/color]

I burst from my bed, sweat pours down my face, and my breath is completely lost from my screams. Was it really a nightmare? I still couldn't tell.
Last edited by blackhike on Sat Oct 17, 2009 4:11 am, edited 5 times in total.




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Welcome to YWS! I'll be easy on you with this piece, (: I always am anyways. Well, let's get to it, shall we?
***

Life was simple I went to school, hung out with friends, dreamed of girls, never did homework.

After simple do me a favor and place a comma.

It was easy that way, but not very exciting, but defiantly manage able.

Did you know there is a difference between defiantly, and definitely? Use the second example I gave you. It's okay, they're called confusing words [; And manageable is just one word.

The fires that I know or even more once felt had finally subdued.

This sentence doesn't make sense. Were you trying to state there were more fires than he originally thought? If so reword it that way. Or if that isn't the case, just reword it. Sorry if I'm not making sense.

I glance to myself;

How does one glance at themselves? That is what readers will think if you keep this sentence. Try rewording it like he looked down at myself. Okay, never mind, that sounds completely wrong. xD Try I glanced at what I was wearing by looking down. Or something like that.

My hands tremble so hard I can’t grip my sword, so it falls to the ground hardly making a sound.

When something falls, it definitely makes a sound. A sword would clang because of the metal. So you can probably tell that 'hardly making a sound' does not fit.

As His scythe reaches the brim of his reach all emotion drains from his face, he is left with nothing because that is exactly what he is.

First things first. His shouldn't be capitalized and it should be he.

***
CAHreepy. That's all that I found.
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
-James Dean




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well, hi... I guess I'll get right to it as well. I'm also a newbie, and soon I'll know how it feels to get my first works critiqued.

First of all, you were very descriptive, which is definitely a strong point. I really like how you were describing the battlefield, and all the bodies laying around. The comparison to the slaughterhouse was exactly what I was thinking as I was reading it. The deformed king was wonderfully described too. Awesome job there.

Now just a couple of grammatical things:

I stood amongst the mists of a battle field, well more of a ruin now.

I'm guessing by "mists" you mean "midst", unless you're describing mist covering the ground, like fog, sort of. Battlefield is one word. And this is personal preference, but I'd put a comma after "well". That's completely optional, I have a thing for commas and semi-colons.

Fear grips me, a whisper from the wind calls out my name “Dante”.

This all depends on what you're doing with the quotes here. If you want it to be dialogue, you might want to phrase it more like, "Fear grips me; a whisper from the wind calls out my name. 'Dante...' " If you just want the name to be in quotes, for whatever reason, you'd add a comma after "name". The comma after me should also be a semi-colon, but I'm just being nit-picky.

There are some unnecessary (in my opinion) commas thrown in, along with some that need to be added, but that's personal opinion; unless you want I won't point them out. That's really all I have though, overall you did a great job! Keep writing!

~ Kylie
a one-lined soap opera, babelfished:
"it is excellent, accept banana!"




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thx for the advice i'll reword as best i can and to explain I about the sword, it wasn't that it didn't make a sound, it's just that the demon man presence made it unhearable. Plus it's a dream where everything is consumed by darkness, I was trying to emphasize that point. Anyway I see what your getting at and i'll change what needs work.Thx alot,and thx kyle to I thought I went bit overboard on the commas, so point them out I want my work to be perfect.




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Brilliant writing. Crummy formatting. Split up the middle paragraph into two or three paragraphs and it'll be easier to read. It looks like your italics didn't work, so you might want to fix that up.

Dead bodies clung to everything,. it was a slaughter house, and I stood in the middle of it all.

Comma splice there. This is a really vivid description though. Good job.

Time seems oily and tense

Wonderful :D

everything moves in a fluid motion,. flames flicker in and out constantly

Another comma splice.

I glance to myself; I’m wearing a strange black hooded cloak...

Technically, this could be a semicolon, but it isn't necessary. A stop would be better becasue it's less intrusive.

It feels as if this sword was once great and powerful, knownow all that’s left is a shell of its former self.

It's another comma splice. Either use a stop, or a conjunction (in this case but)

I reach the end of a destroyed hall, and turn.

I'd assumed the battlefield was outside before, so a little heads up as to the location earlier would be good.

A translucent black robe covers the rest of him to his feet, in his hand rest a long tilted scythe.

Can you guess?

Was it really a nightmare? I still couldn't tell.


You did a great job with the description. I could see what was going on clearly in my head. Just watch the comma splices and paragraphs.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.



Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening