Sonnet: moonlight

This is my attempt at a sonnet. Let me just clarify: this isn't about me or anything that's ever happened to me. More of... Well, paranoia of what might happen! It's really about trying to get the rhyme and rhythm. When I wrote it - well, let's just say it wasn't the most interesting of science lessons.

Oh, find a sliver in a darkened place
Of moonlight; let me hold it in my hand
And shine it in the shadows on your face
To watch you in the silence where you stand.
I wish I had a way to hold your eyes
Their gaze to never wander or transgress
And I to know if ever my love dies
And I move on, yours won't be any less.
No pain can touch me yet. Bring on the dawn
And pastel people dancing in the sun –
When bleak normality prevails, I’ll mourn
In fairness, what I never should have won.
For moonlight fades and night will turn to day;
I’ll blink, and find your face has turned away.

Fourteen lines now - I'm hoping it makes sense but not very hopefully.

Nice, although I'm not a poet. Hey, just trying to get you reviews you know, takes one to start a chain. Anyway,

Firstly the Title makes you think "Who's doing this and do I know him/her" Once they see NO then they ignore. Change it to an actual title, e.g All things End? Dawn? Twilight ( lol, not the book). Something morning like.

You said you only wrote ten lines and weren't happy? Well I'd recommend for your edit you divide it into stanzas:


Oh, find a sliver in a darkened place
Of moonlight; let me hold it in my hand
And shine it in the shadows on your face
To watch you in the silence where you stand.

Soppy, longing stuff

To watch you in the silence where you stand.
I wish I had a way to hold your eyes
Their gaze to never wander or transgress

Go ahead and monologue on her love, just to give the feeling when he rips away.

And I to know if ever my love dies
And I move on, yours won't be any less.
But moonlight fades, and night will turn to day;
I blink, and find your face has turned away.

The ending.

Remember more doesn't always = better. It was a great poem but I didn't know why I should be sorry for her, or laugh or whatever you intended (I like laughing as you can see )

Your grammar, rhyming and poetical correctitude was good but if there's no feel there's no poem.

Nice poem though, have a great editting process that will suck the science lesson right from your mind. Bye

Ag, I'm an avid sonnet writer. Joy to find one here!!

Suggestions:

Oh, find a sliver in a darkened place Sorry, but starting with 'Oh' is a cop-out. When you have such limited space make sure each and every syllable counts as its own statement. You can find something more striking, I know it.

Of moonlight; let me hold it in my hand
And shine it in the shadows on your face The word 'in' bothers me. Just as a matter of personal preferences I would replace it with 'on' or something that implies banishing the shadows.

To watch you in the silence where you stand. Perhaps a little bit of retooling. "The silence where you stand" is a little ambiguous; one doesn't actually physically stand in silence, so 'where' is probably less appropriate here than something else.

I wish I had a way to hold your eyes
Their gaze to never wander or transgress Something's funky with the grammar here in relation to line 1 (besides the split infinitive). You'll want to start this line continuing how you would hold his eyes, not by describing the state you want them to be in.

And I to know if ever my love dies
And I move on, yours won't be any less. Subjunctive here - "if my love were to die" and "yours still would not be less" fixes that, although they're not quite as aesthetically pleasing.

No pain can touch me yet. Bring on the dawn
And pastel people dancing in the sun –
When bleak normality prevails, I’ll mourn
In fairness, what I never should have won. I sort of adore this stanza.

For moonlight fades and night will turn to day;
I’ll blink, and find your face has turned away. Always my favorite part of a sonnet.


BUT although you won me over with your amazing imagery in the last six lines, that doesn't deny the fact that they seem to connect rather less to the first eight of your sonnet. I hate comments like this because they never really fix anything, but after stanza 2, my thought process would move from how if you had it your way, he would love forever to how you will never have it your way - like your last couplet, only embellished by the preceding verse.

Anyway - you have a gorgeous turn of phrase, beautiful images, and perfect rhythm scheme (praise the Lawd!), and this was such a pleasure to read. All the stuff above is nitpicky, as you can probably already see.

Thanks,
-chirish

P.S. - when I read sonnets, I love seeing the author tie the exposition back to the end - in this case, it would be re-referencing the shard of moonlight when the poem starts winding down. Not an actual suggestion, just something to think about.

I liked it. But sometimes I think you're mind would wonder or something and it stopped the reader from feeling. But over all good job:)