The beautiful galaxy

You see all those planets
And they seem to be very far
But if you look very closely
You might get to see a star.
They are mighty gasseus giants
That sit around and float
But if you mannage to get near one
You might not want your coat.
Their heat is very scorching
And life cannot go on
Like a fire on a torch
Its the great stars song.
But on some you might catch
This very big round ring,
And with is sparkling greatness
The angels begin to sing.
The milky way is this ring
And it is made of very fine silver
And if you use you imagination
At will almost look like a river.
So as you look up to the sky
And see this glorious beauty
Just think about what i said and
You will adore this beautiful galaxy.

Hiya Lifeblood.

Kamas here for a quick review. This is an interesting poem, I found the idea enjoyable and original.

But the poem itself is a little bit immaturely rhymed. I always find rhyming poems childish, as it is hard to get a stupendous rhyming poem.

Well my biggest issue though, is the lack of spell checking. There is a 'check spelling' button in the top right corner when you post. Clicking that will remove all the distracting misspellings .

The errors are in bold:

You see all those planets
and they seem to be very far
but if you look very closely
you might get to see a star.
They are mighty gasseus giants
that sit around and float
but if you mannage to get neer one
you might not want your coat.
Their heat is very scorching
and life cannot go on
like a fire on a tourch
its the great stars song.
but on some you might catch
this very big round ring,
and with is sparkling greatness
the angels begin to sing.
the milky way is this ring
and it is made of very fine silver
and if you use you imagination
it will almost look like a river.
So as you look up to the sky
and see this glourious beauty
just think about what i said and
you will adore this beautiful galaxy.

I'll leave you to find the corrections for those.

Now as for the poem itself, I would love to go into great detail for you but I have to run. The biggest suggestion I can give to you is reading it out loud to yourself. Doing so you will catch the flaws in your poem.
You want it to flow right out of your mouth, if, when you read it, the stanza is choppy, it means you may want to edit it.

Otherwise, I really liked the idea of this poem, it's quite interesting. Good job and practice! You'll get better and better. I'll be looking forward to more of your work.

Kamas

Hey Lifeblood.

Your poem was very interesting. I loved the imagery, and the idea was original and fun to read.

However, as Kamas said, the rhyme is a bit immature. It did seem a little childish, but I think you can make it work.

That said, read your poem aloud! Not just in your mind, but speak it. You'll find a lot of choppy or weird-sounding phrases that you won't be able to catch otherwise. You'll make your poems a lot better too by reading them aloud and editing the sentences you don't like.

You see all those planets
and they seem to be very far
but if you look very closely
you might get to see a star.
They are mighty gasseus giants
that sit around and float
but if you mannage to get neer one
you might not want your coat.
Their heat is very scorching
and life cannot go on
like a fire on a tourch
its the great stars song.
but on some you might catch
this very big round ring,
and with is sparkling greatness
the angels begin to sing.
the milky way is this ring
and it is made of very fine silver
and if you use you imagination
it will almost look like a river.
So as you look up to the sky
and see this glourious beauty
just think about what i said and
you will adore this beautiful galaxy.

I'm a little confused on what you're doing with the capitalization. Right now it seems like you're capitalizing a couple of lines, but leaving the rest un-capitalized. I would suggest either capitalizing everything, or nothing at all.

It seems like the spelling's been mentioned already, so I'll just leave that to you to fix.

Overall, good poem! I can't wait to see more of your work.

~blu

I like the poem. There are a few spelling mistakes. The flow of the poem is great. The lenght of the poem is fine. I think people will love this poem. I hope you will keep writing poems and/or stories too. There is not that much that I can say is bad about this poem. I think you did a great job on this poem.

Thanks guys i fixed my mistakes and now i hope it looks better