i can't be who im not

Mother,

I can’t be the daughter

You want me to be,

Reminds me of when I was little

And I would spend hours,

Just blowing bubbles

The bubble wand was pink,

And shaped like a star,

But no matter how many times I tried,

The bubbles still came out,

As circles.

Hi, I'm Jas. Welcome to YWS!

I love the bubble image, it's vivid and works very effectively.

I'd change the title to; "I Can't Be Who I'm Not", or to something connected to the bubble image as I think that would be fresher and draw the reader in more.

I'd alter the punctuation. I'll show you my suggestion in a second but before I do that I'd suggest reading this aloud, paying attention to punctuation (pause at commas, stop at full stops) to see how it sounds.

Ok, now, I'd suggest something like;

"Mother,

I can’t be the daughter

You want me to be.

Reminds me of when I was little

And I would spend hours, (you don't need this comma)
Just blowing bubbles.

The bubble wand was pink,

And shaped like a star,

But no matter how many times I tried, (you don't need this comma because the fact that you've broken the lines up suggests a separation between them. If you really want to keep it, I'd put a comma after "But" so "no matter...tried" becomes an almost bracketed section in and of itself)

The bubbles still came out, (you don't need this comma as you're carrying on the same thought and not listing anything, and the break-up of the line already forces the reader to pause).
As circles."

I'd cut the first three lines as they're cliche and a touch bland. I'd replace them with a visual image or bit of subtle dialogue to indicate how the daughter knows her mother wants her to be different.

Hope this helps.

Jas

P.s: Also, I think the review ratio is 3:1, which means you should review three pieces before you post one of your own.

I really liked this poem! I loved the use of imagery with the bubble wand - I know the feeling! Some girls in my class want me to be different, as they seem to have a problem with me now. I think we should all be ourselves and not conform to stereotypes!

However, a little more info in this poem as to why the mother wants her to be different would be good. Elaborate!

And pleasepleaseplease capitalise your title: I Can't Be Who I'm Not
It's my pet peeve.

Keep writing!

Pgsgirl

Hi.
Personally, I love it. My only problem is this phrase

harmdabuga wrote:Just blowing bubbles

The bubble wand was pink,

And shaped like a star,

It doesn't transition right. Maybe more like
just blowing bubbles
with the wand shaped like a star

Very nice. Cute, yet really meaningful! I like the bubble thing, good imagery. It was a nice piece I have to say. I think I get it, sorry I am sort of slow LoL! So, good work and if you ever need a review don't hesitate I live to help people! x x x