The School (no better title yet)

Prologue:

My head still swam from the car accident that happened only moments ago.
The accident didn't make any sense. There weren't any cars on the road and the car hadn't ran into a telephone line. My dad was driving the car and hadn't swerved. It was as if we had hit an invisible wall. The front end was there one second and was molded into an unrecognizable shape the next
Directly after the collision, as my head pounded, a sudden tingling ran all through my body. It started from my hands and spread across my entire body. My breathing became shallow. What was happening to me? My vision blurred and instantaneously I was found myself standing ten feet from the scene staring at the metal prison that held my parents. I stood with my mouth open. I couldn't believe what I was seeing; I wouldn't believe it. My parents weren't dead; they couldn't be. I was on the verge of hysteria. I couldn't think. My head was merciless and it felt like someone was taking an ax to it.
The gravity of the situation finally hit me. My parents were dead, I was stuck out somewhere in the Kansas countryside without a phone for miles around, and my head was bleeding from a cut on my temple. I started to shake and weep uncontrollably. I crumpled to the ground and buried my head in my lap. It was only a couple of hours until sunrise. Surely someone would come by in a car soon; I prayed they had a phone.
[*][*]
A couple of yards away, showered in darkness, stood two men in long black coats that were of foreign origin. They stared with keen interest at the sixteen year old girl. She must be one of them. How else could she have survived the accident that they had caused? Although the accident had caused the death of a useless human and one of their own, they had to be certain of what she was. Now that they were sure of her, they couldn't let her fall into the hands of the state. Too many mutants end up in foster care. After that, very few of them end up using their abilities for good. Most, use their abilities for revenge, and some don't care and ended up like the two hunters standing there now.

Hey there! Trish here to review your story! How are you this fine evening?

Anyways, lets get on with this review! I'm currently testing out a new review strategy that I'm working on. First I'll talk about nit-picks, then I'll go on to the overall.

Nit-Picks

I found that you have a few typos in here, and a few run-on sentences. I'll just quote them below and maybe comment on some of them.

The last thing I remember was my head slamming into the back of my mother's seat with an an uncontrollable force.

The double 'an' is unnecessary, but that's probably just a typo. Also I noticed that this sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe fix up the wording a bit so that it flows a bit better.

Actually, this whole paragraph could use a bit of work.

My head still swam from the car accident that happened only moments ago. The last thing I remember was my head slamming into the back of my mother's seat with an an uncontrollable force. Less than two seconds later I'm standing ten feet away from the scene looking at the lifeless bodies of my parents. My whole mind was numb and all I could do was stare at their bloodied faces that were illuminated by the street posts that lined the vacant highway. There was a thought that lay at the edge of my consciousness- I was in shock.

How did she get over there so quickly? If she's just been in a car accident, I don't think that she would be standing? I would think that she would be injured, especially if her head had slammed into the seat in front of her.

Also, I found that her reaction to seeing her parents dead would have been a bit different than that, but I'll get into that more in the overall.

The last thing I'd like to say about this paragraph is just that it could use a bit of rewording, but this is just a first draft so that's fine. Also, maybe just split it up a bit into seperate paragraphs so that it isn't just one big clump.

The description is really good in this paragraph, but where are the emergency vehicles? And as I said before, how did she get out of the car, if she wasn't helped out by paramedics? But I'll get more into this in the overall as well.

Now onto the next paragraph! Okay, let's take a look at this sentence first.

It may have cos-ted the death of a human and one of their own, but they had to be sure of her, and now that they were sure of her they couldn't let her fall into the hands of the state.

Another typo. It should be 'costed', no dash in there. Also, this sentence is way too long to be good. Maybe break it up and reword it so that it isn't awkward and long.

Also, this whole paragraph is sort of awkward as well, but that can be easily fixed by editing and revision like the first one.

There weren't too many things that could be nit-picked in this, so just reword it so it's not as awkward.

That's it for nit-picks! Now let's get on to the overall!

Overall

Overall, I think that this is a very good start to your story. It would work perfectly for a prologue. One thing I especially liked was how it left us hanging, wanting to read more. I can't wait to find out why the two men caused the accident, and what happens next.

I'll just talk to you about what I mentioned before a minute.

First, let's look at the beginning paragraph again. As I said, this leaves us wondering what happened, but it has some very confusing things in it. For example, we the readers don't know so many details that you need to put in there.

One thing is, as I mentioned before, what happened? How did they crash, especially if the road is empty. Did they crash into a streetlight? Maybe make that a bit clearer.

Also, you need a bit more description. We want to know what the scene looks like, and we also want to know what the main character is feeling. Okay, we know that she's in shock, but you can tell us more. This will make the whole thing much more exciting.

And, I also mentioned the lack of paramedics, and how you have her out of the car. In most accidents, people can't really just walk out of the car by themselves. And it's even more unlikely for that to happen when there's been a head injury. Also, it would be litterally impossible for her to have gotten out in less than ten seconds, and have been standing without help. Remember that your scenes need to be realistic, or people won't want to read the story. Maybe just look up car accidents on google, and find out what happens in them so that it is realistic.

Lastly, her reaction wasn't very realistic either. I think that she would have been freaking out a bit more, but that depends on the character. I think that it would also help if you developed your character a bit better in this particular spot. This can be easily accomplished with thoughts, actions etc. and it'll make your story a ton more believable and interesting.

That's about it for now. Just remember to fix up the awkward wording, edit, revise, whatever. This is a really good start, though. I'll be looking out for more! Good luck, and I hope to see you around the site sometime! Bye bye!

~ Trish

Your title is the school, I felt that near the end. You might want to put a bit more of The School in this prologue. A better title: My Life: -----Insert Adjective here-----

TNG100 wrote:The accident didn't make any sense.

For Brevity, you could just say: It didn't make sense.

TNG100 wrote:The front end was there one second and crumpled like a piece of wadded paper the next.

Rather re-write,

TNG100 wrote: One moment the front was fine, the next it was crumpled like ---insert comparison here----

TNG100 wrote:Directly after the collision, as my head swam with uncertainty,

Swam once again makes your vocabulary look to limited, maybe it is maybe not. Just don't ever show it:

After the collision, as my mind filled with uncertainty,

Now that I think about it, where were they going anyway? That really matters, because then her day could have dive bombed or it could've sucked already. Describe the week. Don't forget to describe the scene, if you do at all. Describe with all the senses, I totally forgot that there could've been an explosion (Unless it was an invisible wall or something), smoke?

TNG100 wrote:A couple of yards away, showered in darkness, stood two men in long coats that were way out of date.

Hmm... makes me wonder who's narrating this.

Great story however, read reviews carefully before edit.

(( I write about mutants too, let's share flash cards! )

Bye, hoping the previous reviewer covered up what I missed.

Interesting. I can not decide if i like it or not. I think i do. Hey, it is drama and i love drama. Personally, (unlike thechocolatewritingcat), I like when there are questions in a excerpt/story/prologue. It adds to the rest of the story. When i read this it sort of felt unrealistic because a teenage girl who was just in a car crash, was injured but felt no pain and who is staring at her parents dead bodies would NOT act that way. Even if she was in shock. One little nitpick i would like to point out was you never explained any pain coming from the girls head. Wouldn't an injury like that hurt? And wouldn't a teenage girl be scared? Even a little at what just happened to her? Explain her feelings more. Show not Tell!

Short and sweet. I like it. It's definitely a good start, and it makes me want to read more. I don’t have much to critique on this story…

Few things though:

At this time[comma] I didn't even wonder how I had suddenly materialized from the back seat of my car to the middle of the highway.

Now that they were sure of her[comma] they couldn't let her fall into the hands of the state.

After that, very few of them end[ed] up using their abilities for good.

Awesome start. I love superpower stories!
Post more soon OK?

Helloooooo Kate here!
Its nitpicky time! Yay!

My head still swam from the car accident that happened only moments ago.

I like this line - its punchy.

The accident didn't make any sense. There weren't any cars on the road and the car hadn't ran into a telephone line."

Ooh mystery - I like it.

My dad was driving the car and hadn't swerved. It was as if we had hit an invisible road block.

Here, I'm not sure on the phrase 'Road Block' - I (personally) think it would sound better if you said something like:
"It was as if we had hit something that was invisible"

The front end was there one second and crumpled like a piece of wadded paper the next.

Again, not sure about the term 'wadded' - it sounds too colloquial when you're trying to be dramatic. Maybe put:
"The bonnet of the car was there one second, the next it was carnaged into something almost unrecognisable as the metal it was"

Directly after the collision, as my head swam with uncertainty, a sudden tingling ran all through my body and instantaneously I was suddenly standing ten feet from the scene staring at the lifeless bodies of my parents.

This is.. interesting (thats what I say when I'm trying to be nice about something I'm not that keen on.. it is usually reserved for vegetables..)
Much more emotion could go into this. The way you write about her emotions is very... robotic. How about:
"My head swam with uncertainty that the collision had actually happened. I found myself standing feet away from the carnaged prison which held the lifeless bodies of my parents."

I stood with my mouth open. I couldn't believe what I was seeing; I wouldn't believe it.

I like the fact that she is in denial about it. It really makes your heart wrench.

A thought played at the edge of my consciousness- I was in shock. At this time I didn't even wonder how I had suddenly materialized from the back seat of my car to the middle of the highway.

Again - interesting. I don't like the fact that you 'state' that she is in shock and the whole materialising thingymabob - maybe can wait until later. Maybe someone can ask her - didn't you wonder when you materialised.. ladidahdidah and then she can say something like 'my parents had just died bucko' - well not exactly that but I think you get where I'm coming from! *fingers crossed*
Back to the shock thing, maybe put something like:
"My head was numb. I didnt know what to do - I couldnt even think."
Yeah, sorry - that was really bad. I'm sure you could come up with something a lot better than mine!

The gravity of the situation finally hit me.

Gravity - ooh good word. You get a pat for that. Pat Pat.

My parents were dead, I was stuck out in the middle of the Kansas countryside without a phone, and my head was bleeding. I started to shake and weep uncontrollably.

This is good, but I think you can make it better. How about: "My parents were dead, I was somewhere in the Kansas countryside, with no phone for miles and blood was pouring from a cut on my temple."

I crumpled to the ground and lay my head on my knees.

Crumpled - Kate like. You get annother Pat. Pat pat. BUT - I think you should say something like, "I buried my face in my knees." Its more dramatic And Kate like drama

It was only a couple of hours till sunrise. Surely someone would come by in a car soon. I prayed they had a phone.

I like the first scentence, but theres a little typo: you should (gramatically - you can ignore this if you want!!) put Until, instead of till. The last two - maybe "Hopefully someone should come by in a car soon, and I was praying that they would have a phone."

[*][*]

These are cool little thingymabobs. I like them

A couple of yards away, showered in darkness,

I LOVE that - 'showered in darkness' - You can have four pats. Pat pat pat pat.

stood two men in long coats that were way out of date.

'Way out of date'?? The drama is kinda destroyed when you say that. Maybe; "stood two men, with long *add some sort of description about the coats here* that could almost have been .. victorian.. I'm sorry I'm english, and I'm assuming that you're american but I really dont know very much about american history (sorry) so maybe put in 'that could have been worn by (a famous character in american history)'

They stared vacantly at the sixteen year old girl that had just survived the accident that they caused.

Okay - you've slightly lost me. Why would they stare vacantly at her? Maybe just say they stared at her? Dont know - maybe I'm missing something! Also when you say " the sixteen year old girl who had just survived the accident they had caused," again - its a bit of a drama killer because there is no description, maybe try and rephrase it - put a bit of extra drama in.

It may have caused the death of a human and one of their own, but they had to be sure of her.

Could be a bit better, how about: "Although it brought death to one of their own, they had to be sure of what she was. They had no other choice." If you say that - it doesent make them sound bad, and I'm assuming you dont want them to be bad people.. ? If not then just leave the end off.

Now that they were sure of her they couldn't let her fall into the hands of the state.

Ooh - mystery. makes you wonder why. Kate likey.

Too many mutants end up in foster care.

YAY! Its not about Vampires!! I like that - original!

After that, very few of them end up using their abilities for good. Most, use their abilities for revenge, and some don't care and end up like the two hunters standing there now.

OOH I likey . Pat pat. Really good ending.

Overall this is really good. Its a really punchy and mysterious beginning with a lot of potential. You just need to put more drama into it to really draw the reader in.

Have fun
Keep writing!

Hello! I'm Sydney and I'm going to review your story!
First of all I like the idea of it. Next, your grabber 'My head still swam from the car accident that happened only moments ago.' was very good, but of course your head would swim form a car crash that happened a few moments ago!
Well, um, there were a few type-o's but other than that I think it was great. Good job!