Remembrance Day Poem

This poem is for a contest on Remembrance Day, I would like some feedback to make it as excellent as possible. Hope you enjoy!

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A Soldier’s Last Prayer

Dear Lord,

The time of battle draws near
And my heart trembles with fear.

I pray not to survive but to be strong until I die,
So I may fight for my country through the land, sea and sky.

I pray you give me the strength for these final hours,
And remind the world of those who fought for the Powers.

Your wonderful grace keeps me from being alone
And as I close my eyes, I see my splendid home.

Within the beautiful Prairies, my wife and children sit and wait,
But I will not be home, for I must fight for the saving of their fate.

My brothers and I will fight to our last dying breath,
Please be with us through and beyond the hour of our death.

I pray they remember us for what we have done,
From the very first man to the very last gun.

As I leave now, I ask one last thing of thee
Keep my country and home, glorious and free.

Amen.

Aw! Hey there!
I loved this poem!!
It was so cute and honest. I think you should add some more stuff about the war itself, ya know, stuff like, bombings and getting shot, pain? But not so much, just some details. Other than that, I really liked it.

Keep up the good work - Creative

Hi there!

Kamas here to review.

Now, this is a lovely little rhyming poem and I hate to critique these war poems harshly. I really did find this one to be very sweet and simple. Lovely job.

Dear Lord,

The time of battle draws near
And my heart trembles with fear. -- Immature rhyme. Find something more creative, with more substance.

I pray not to survive but to be strong until I die,
So I may fight for my country through the land, sea and sky. -- I suggest cutting out the "the", your second line is too long.

I pray you give me the strength for these final hours,
And remind the world of those who fought for the Powers. -- Powers? What does this mean? It looks like something you threw in there to have a rhyme

Your wonderful grace keeps me from being alone
And as I close my eyes, I see my splendid home. -- I didn't like this as much. Splendid home isn't the right adjective to use in this. I do not see a soldier's home with this word. You most imaginative and representative language

Within the beautiful Prairies, my wife and children sit and wait,
But I will not be home, for I must fight for the saving of their fate. -- The last line doesn't work very well. I suggest changing it a little bit and shortening it to something like "But I will not be home, for I must fight, and save their fate(s)" or something to that extent

My brothers and I will fight to our last dying breath,
Please be with us through and beyond the hour of our death. --Try "through and beyond this hour of death"

I pray they remember us for what we have done,
From the very first man to the very last gun. -- change 'for' to 'and' in the first line. This is a great line. Just great.

As I leave now, I ask one last thing of thee
Keep my country and home, glorious and free. -- I would change "Keep my country and home" to "Keep my country, my home" I feel it has a nicer effect, implying the soldier's home is his home and his country.

Amen.

My suggestions are in bold if that isn't obvious. You have quite a bit going for you with this poem. It's lovely and the second last stanza is just fabulous. Great job and keep the good work. Good luck in your contest, I am sure you'll do great.

~Kamas

Kamas has pretty much pointed out everything I was going to say XD
It is a good poem, it has some quite immature rhyming but that can be easily fix.

the line with hours and powers can be re-wrote to something like this;

When my body runs weak, closing my final hour.
Give me strength, with no faulter, courage to not cower.

Hey... just an Idea

Thank you so much for taking the time to look at my poem. I have gone through it, following advice and now I think it is much better. It might need some work but I will let you guys decide that. Well here it is, hope you enjoy. Again thanks and also Kamas, by Powers it is referring to the alliances in WW1 (Triple Alliance, Triple Entente) but I took it out anyway.

Here it is again:

A Soldier’s Last Prayer

Dear Lord,

The moment of battle draws near,
As we come close to the frontier.

I pray not to survive but to be strong ‘till I die,
So I may fight for my country through land, sea and sky.

I pray you give me strength for my closing times
And that you free me from all my sins and crimes.

Your wonderful grace keeps me from being alone
And as I close my eyes, I see my lovely home.

Within the beautiful Prairies, my wife and children sit and wait
But I will not return home, for I must die for the sake of their fate.

My brothers and I will fight to our last dying breath,
Please be with us now and at the hour of our death.

I pray they remember us and what we have done,
From the very first man to the very last gun.

As I leave now, I ask one last thing of thee
Keep my country, my home glorious and free.

Amen.

ManFromTheSea wrote:This poem is for a contest on Remembrance Day, I would like some feedback to make it as excellent as possible. Hope you enjoy!

---

A Soldier’s Last Prayer

Dear Lord,

The time of battle draws near
And my heart trembles with fear.

I pray not to survive but to be strong until I die,
So I may fight for my country through the land, sea and sky.

I pray you give me the strength for these final hours,
And remind the world of those who fought for the Powers.

Your wonderful grace keeps me from being alone
And as I close my eyes, I see my splendid home.

Within the beautiful Prairies, my wife and children sit and wait,
But I will not be home, for I must fight for the saving of their fate.

My brothers and I will fight to our last dying breath,
Please be with us through and beyond the hour of our death.

I pray they remember us for what we have done,
From the very first man to the very last gun.

As I leave now, I ask one last thing of thee
Keep my country and home, glorious and free.

Amen.

i didn't really like the religousness to it.. but other than that... it was pretty good.. see you around

this is beautiful.....

This is, as headintheclouds says, beautiful.

I have but one comment for you- I would figure out a way to rewrite this bit:
"for I must fight for the saving of their fate."

I think it sounds awkward.
Slightly better might be "for I must sight to save their fate.", but even that sounds a tad awkward.
That aside, I loved it!

Keep up the good work!