Pocket riders.

Just a quick song i made to put up. Sounds good with the harmony i have for it. You decide what it means to you. Hopefully its fairly obvious.

verse 1

The shoes are old,
but the face is new.
The nose and ears,
are held by glue.

verse 2

Their backs have wings,
but their mind is bare.
Their morals are basic,
and their faces glare.

Chorus

Something little, Something big,
Steal your name and use your twig.
The well is dry but don't you cry.
They use your name but never said why.

verse3

The rights are wrong,
in their mind.
They grab your pockets,
and rob you blind.

verse 4

Minds are dry,
when hate is wet.
What you want is what you get.

*


Will appreciate the comments.

Hello, Roon here, welcome to YWS, I’m going to start with nitpicks and move onto the overall view of the poem.

There backs have wings, <<their

but there mind is bare. << their

There morals are basic, << their

and their faces glare. << got it right!

Chorus

Something little, Something big,

Steal your name and use your twig.

The well is dry but don't you cry.

They use your name but never said why. << I don’t really see the significance of the ‘never said why‘, unless you build on it a little later in the song. Also, you’ve already mentioned using names.

Okay, so not much to pick at! This is really good, I think it would probably sound better if I could hear the music, which would add even more depth to it. One thing I will say, there isn’t much emotion in the lyrics, maybe it would become more apparent if I heard the music that goes with it.

I loved the end, it was absolutely the perfect way to finish, very powerful, meaningful, etc. the whole song was very well written and flowed very nicely. The rhyme didn’t feel forced at all, so well done on that front. I can never use rhyme effectively, it always sounds stupid, so I’m always impressed when someone pulls it off!

Keep writing and let me know when there is more!

~ Roon

Fuuny think I liked the song but I didnt get the theme beacuse I was reading it fast like rap (evan though I listen to heavy) untill this part

Minds are dry,
when hate is wet.
What you want is what you get.

I guess beacuse it sounds simple evan when you read it fast. The reason I read it like rap is beacuse I liked playing around with beat of the lyric. The rhyming was nice too. But you need to practice your grammer. I tottally agree with roon about the grammer.

Cheers for the advice, I shall use it to improve.

I love the abstract feel to this song, keep it up.

I have absolutely no idea what this all means. But I liked it. It was quite, quite beautiful. It made me smile.

Minds are dry,
when hate is wet.
What you want is what you get.

That is so wonderful. Little phrases like this are what make the song so awesome! (oh dear I'm running out of praise words :])

My only thing to pick at is that you have many, many verses. Maybe you could try to put them together. I just find it a bit repetitive if a song has a lot of short verses and in between each one is the same chorus. Like I said, you could maybe try putting them together.

You, are a very talented cupcake. ♥