Last edited by fhwdf on Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"What if, doctor, we need these knots and these tangles because they're the only things holding our souls down - and if we untied the knots and untangled the tangles and stretched them out ... would our souls just float away?" ~Luke Kennard, A Practical Course in Entry Level Expressionism
I did have a bit of a hard time following along; the situation is unveiled using metaphors that don't really tie together. This looks more like a fantasy work and the little snippets of "real life" like "the twenty-ninth of February" make me wonder how much of this is false and how much is true. It made me confused and I had a hard time sticking with this.
I also found we weren't given reason to care about the character. We're told what's happening to her, but not why we should care. Include an obvious "why" in every event you present to us. That's very important in creating a work readers will stick with. You can make it as weird as you want but without a "why" in the story then it's bad weird.
Hope this helps! PM me with any questions. ^^
~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo
Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
Hi there! The name's Irish and I shall read and critque you as of...*looks at non-exsistant watch* now!
So, yes this piece does make sense, but it is (as Rosey said) hard to follow in certain places. Like when shes looking through the window? Why does she think shes in the spirit world? And what does touching her hands do? Look at me I'm all curious now
But, I do want to say that I really loved the first paragraph. I can't really say why, but there was just something about the way you stated some things that I loved! Great job there!
Keep up the good work my friend!
-Irish
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
Teacher: What do we, in the U.S enjoy from places like Mexico? Student: Wait, legally?
hey, i liked this alright-- you're a good writer, i know that. i mean the writing was very well done and you don't fall in to stupid cliches or anything. so whatever you do will turn out alright. but this piece needed to be changed UP, i thought. anyway, the way you did it didn't make it work as a piece in itself. the ending wasn't sad or anything, it just seemed redundant and it was almost as if you were pushing the ending too hard. i felt like the passage of time was all out of whack (even if time had nothing to do with your subject). you either need to make it longer or change some of what you wrote before. it was rushed near the end. i'm only saying here what i didn't like. so remember you write well so there's no way this could be all that bad at all. keep it up, just polish this one a little more.
